Idea #95

Brian goes to Ron's house. The year is 1983. Brian is holding a pet cage. He rings the doorbell. Nothing happens. He rings it again and looks through a window.

Brian

(shouting)

C'mon, Ron! Open up! You can't stay in there forever!

Ron, with a full beard and looking horrible, opens the door. Brian pushes his way in.

Brian

You lost your job two months ago.

Ron

I'm not in the mood.

Brian

It's not your fault that World News couldn't compete with CNN.

Ron

Yes, it is. I told them we could do what CNN did but in two hours because I didn't want to spend that much time at the station. So, Veronica and I had to talk really fast to get it all in. We lost viewers quicker than "Joanie Loves Chachi." The human brain can't process information that fast.

Brian

I didn't know all of that.

Ron

Yeah.

Brian

Hmmm

(beat)

Well, I got you something that will cheer you up.

Brian goes into the animal cage and pulls out a little puppy. He is a terrier mix just like Baxter. Brian holds the dog in his arms.

Ron

(almost in tears)

That looks like...

Brian

Baxter, I know. I got him for you.

Brian brings the dog to Ron.

Brian

I figured since it's been over a year since you lost him. Now, you can't feed this one whole wheels of cheese.

Ron

I won't. That was really stupid. Once he did it the first time, I was so impressed that I just kept leaving wheels of cheese in the fridge every time I left the house. That dog was not well.

Brian

No, the house kinda still smells like it.

Ron

Actually, that's me. Thanks, Brian. You're a good friend.

Brian

One last thing. I talked to Ed Harken. He wants you back.

Ron

Really?

(beat)

I don't know if I'm ready.

Brian

I think you are. Come down to the station tomorrow.

Ron nods.

Brian

And take a shower first.

Brian walks to the door.

Ron

You got it.

Brian leaves.

Ron

(to dog in his arms)

Hey, I'm going to take a shower and then we are going to get into bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I got some PJs for you. They might be a little big though. They were worn by a really good friend of mine. I don't think he would mind you borrowing them, though.

Idea #94

Ron guest stars on "The Muppet Show." The scene opens with Ron Burgundy in a leather jacket sitting on some bleachers. He is surrounded by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo the Rat.

Gonzo

Hey, I wanna hear about what Ron did at the beach.

All

Yeah!

Ron

It was nothin'.

Fozzie

(sarcastic)

Sure, nothin' Burgundy. Right.

Rizzo

C'mon, Ron.

Gonzo

C'mon. Tell us about the girl.

Cut to a scene at a lunch table with Miss Piggy surrounded by Camilla, Olivia Newton-John, and Janice.

Janice

What did you do this summer, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy

I spent most of it at the beach. I met a human.

Olivia Newton-John

You went all the way to the beach for some human?

Miss Piggy

This human was special.

Olivia Newton-John

There ain't no such thing. I should know.

Miss Piggy

He was really romantic and he had a great mustache.

Cut back to Ron and the guys on the bleachers.

All

C'mon, man. Tell us.

Ron

Oh, boys, the snout on this girl. But you don't want to hear about that.

Fozzie

Are you kidding me?

Ron

Alright, I'll tell you.

They break into a rousing rendition of "Summer Love" replacing every "girl" with "pig" and every "boy" with "human." We pick up with the last verse. Ron and Miss Piggy have their backs to each other but are unaware of each other's presence. It's more for stage effect.

Miss Piggy

(singing)

It turned colder, that's where it ends

Ron

(singing)

So, I told her, we'd still be friends

Miss Piggy

(singing)

Then we made, our true love vow

Ron

(singing)

She was a pig, the size of a cow

Both

(singing)

Summer breeze between two species but, oh, those summer nights

All

Tell me more, tell me more

Ron and Miss Piggy look sad as the girls and guys look on. The screen fades to black.

Idea #93

Champ and Brian set up a fake beauty pageant at the news station after hours to get more attractive girls to pay attention to them. Brick agrees to be a judge with them and Ron will be Master of Ceremonies. Participants in the beauty pageant are "one of each" according to Champ: Mabel (brunette), Jackie (red), Holly (blonde), and Lupe (not white). Ron comes out in a nice tuxedo holding a microphone that is not plugged into anything.

Ron

Welcome to the Miss Lower San Diego Pageant. In our...uh...fifteenth year of operation. Let's have the ladies come out and walk around.

Mabel, Jackie, Holly, and Lupe walk around in dresses and heels.

Ron

Thank you ladies.

(beat)

While they are getting dressed, let's meet the judges.

Ron walks over to the judges at their pushed together desks.

Ron

Champ Kind who is currently single.

Champ

I am.

Brian

The very handsome Brian Fantana.

Brian

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Brick

And Brick Tamland...the...uh...weatherman.

Brick

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Ron

Ok, enough chit chat, let's get on with the show. Our first event is the Evening Gown comp-

Champ

Bathing suit!

Ron

Excuse me.

Champ

Let's start with bathing suits.

Ron

Splendid idea. Ladies? Bathing suits.

Champ

Two piece!

Ron

Two piece bathing suits. Let's go go go.

The women go back inside to change with confused looks on their faces.

Brian

That was great, Champ. Who cares about dresses?

Champ

I know. It just hit me. I was thinking, "I want to see more skin." And it popped into my head: swimsuits.

Brian

Amazing.

Ron walks over to the dressing room (Ron's office). He cracks the door, then knocks.

Ron

Are you girls almost ready?

(staring)

Nice, Holly.

Ron closes the door.

Ron

They're ready.

(beat)

Come on out, ladies! First is Mabel. She is a woman. She likes to swim, apparently. Next, we have Jackie with boobies. Then, Holly who is even better topless and finally, Lupe who is foreign.

The girls walk out in their bikinis.

Ron

And the judges will tally scores while you get ready for the talent-

Champ

No talent. I want to see Holly in Jackie's bikini, Lupe in Holly's, Jackie, in Mabel's, and Mabel in Lupe's.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want to see Jackie in Lupe's, Holly in Mabel's, Mabel in Jackie's, and Lupe in Holly's.

Lupe

But I'm in Holly's.

Champ

And you look fantastic.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want Jackie in nothing, Holly in peanut butter and jelly, Mabel in my lap, and Lupe in Holly's. You really look great in it.

Mabel

Is this a real pageant?

Ron

Twenty years running.

Holly

You said fifteen before.

Ron

Did I? Well, this pageant, in particular, is fifteen years but we've been running pageants for twenty.

Mabel

I don't think there is a Miss Lower San Diego Pageant.

Brian

What? Do you think this is some not-so-elaborate ruse to get hot, sexy women to spend an evening with us?

Mabel

Yes.

Brian

Then you as observant as you are attractive. Let's cut the bull and party. How does that sound?

The girls look at each other and shrug.

Holly

We got nothing else to do.

Champ

Sounds like a yes to me. Dibs on Lupe.

Lupe

Can I change?

Champ

Sorry, no.

Idea #92

Ron arrives on the set of "Mork and Mindy." He does not know what to expect. Pam Dawber is the first person he runs into.

Pam Dawber

Ron Burgundy? I'm Pam Dawber. I play Mindy.

Ron

(grabs her hand and kisses it)

Enchanted.

Pam Dawber

I saw you on "The Love Boat." You're very good.

Ron

How nice of you to say. I'd like to hear more about how good I am. How about after the shoot-

Robin Williams comes running up.

Robin Williams

Hey, you must be Ron Burgundy. Although you seem more of a Ron Peach or a Ron Tan. It's going to be a lot of fun on the set today. We tend to get a little crazy. What am I saying, a lot of crazy.

(makes some crazy noises and hand gestures)

Boop. Bop. Wang.

Ron

(extends hand)

Nice to meet you.

Robin Williams

(shakes hand)

I'm Robin Williams but you can call me

(acts demure and talks in high-pitched voice)

Mrs. Funnybritches. I do so love that you're on the show.

(clears throat)

I hate when she comes out.

(smacks own face)

Bad Mrs. Funnybritches!

(high-pitched voice)

Oooo!

(regular voice)

Bad!

(smacks own face)

That should take care of her. So, you're a news man.

(puts finger to ear)

This just in: Mork and Mindy is very excited to have Ron Burgundy on the set. Coming up after the break: hula hoops: fun toy or dangerous geometry?

Ron stares on in shock as Robin Williams pretends to hula hoop while getting hurt.

Robin Williams

Help! Stop this thing! It's hurting me! I can't stop swiveling my hips! I must look like Elvis.

(Elvis voice)

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one goes out to Ron Burgundy.

(to Heartbreak Hotel)

When Ron Burgundy showed up

He stood open-mouthed and stared

At Robin Williams hula hooping

Around like Elvis, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened

Ron Burgundy's frightened and wants to go home.

Robin Williams goes into a knee slide with arms extended out. He's fake heavy-breathing like at the end of a Broadway number. Pam Dawber and all the crew erupt in applause. Robin Williams stands up and waves around appreciative.

Robin Williams

Thank you. You're too kind. Now, you're not kind enough. Ok, too kind again.

(walks up to Ron)

Well, Ron, how did you like your Welcome Wagon. Although it wasn't much of a wagon. It was more of a Welcome-

Ron

Village Idiot?

Robin Williams

(turns to him seriously)

What did you call me?

Ron

A Welcome Village Idiot. It's funny.

Pam Dawber waves her arms in the background trying to stop Ron. Robin Williams' eyes turn all white. His already hairy arms become more so. He lets out a scream that turns into a howl. Before Ron's eyes, Robin Williams begins to change. He rises three feet in height. His clothes rip from his body as he gains muscle mass. His hands turn into massive claws with razor-sharp nails. His mouth and nose extend out from his face into a snout. Werewolf Robin Williams snarls menacingly over Ron. Drool drips down and splashes the floor by Ron's shoes.

Werewolf Robin Williams

(deep voice)

That was a big mistake.

As Werewolf Robin Williams crouches down to launch himself at Ron, two men with stun guns zap Werewolf Robin Willaims. He convulses and falls to the ground. One of the men puts his stun gun away and pulls out a syringe. They inject it into Werewolf Robin Williams' arm. He slowly turns back into a sweaty, naked, less hairy, regular Robin Williams.

Cut to Ron Burgundy at the age of 70 on his porch. A young boy sits across from him. They are drinking lemonade. 

Ron

That was the most scared I've ever been.

Young Boy

Wow, Grandpa, no wonder why Robin Williams still gets work.

Ron

It's hard to say no to a werewolf. It's best to just smile, laugh, and wait for it to be over.

(beat)

Shall we go see how your grandma's doing with those brownies?

Young Boy

Oh boy!

Grandpa Ron and the young boy go inside the house.

Ron (O.S.)

Pam, how are those brownies coming?

Idea #91

Fresh off his critically-acclaimed turn on "The Love Boat" (see Idea #s 87, 88, and 89), Ron gets offers from many hit television shows. Ron sits in his office with Champ, Brian, and Brick.

Ron

So, I'm supposed to play Ponch's brother though I think I look more like the other guy and then I'm going to be on this show, "Mork and Mindy" with some comedian named Robin Williams.

Champ

Do you think-

Ron

I'm not done talking.

Champ

Sorry.

Ron

And then I'm doing "The Muppet Show" where I sing a song with Miss Piggy.

(beat)

Now, you may speak Champ.

Champ

Do you think you can get me a part on any of these shows?

Ron

I'd love to but, seriously, you are not an attractive man.

Champ

(accepting)

That's true.

Ron

They only put amazingly handsome gentlemen like myself. If anyone here could get a part, it would be Brian but that would be stretching it as he's only eighty percent amazingly handsome.

Brian

(upbeat)

Thanks, Ron.

Ron

Don't mention it.

Brick

My mom says I'm handsome.

Ron

Amazingly handsome?

Brick

(dejected)

No, just regular handsome.

Ron

Look, guys, if I get my own show, I promise to have each of you on it in small parts or cast really great looking people in the parts you were supposed to get but have your names in the credits instead of theirs.

Brian

That doesn't sound like a good deal.

Ron

It's a limited time offer.

Brian

How could it-

Champ

(leans in to Brian)

I think we should take it.

Brick

(leans in to Brian and Champ)

Me too.

Brian

Fine, we'll take it.

Ron

Great. Now, leave my office. I need to get some sleep.

Champ, Brian, and Brick stand up to exit.

Brian

The news starts in twenty minutes.

Ron

Then wake me in fifteen. How hard is this? That's it. Brick's part played by someone else is going to be bigger than yours.

Brian

But-

Ron

Champ's too.

Brian

Crap.

Ron

And when you wake me, I like three taps on the shoulder. I can't stand shaking. That is all.

Champ, Brian, and Brick leave Ron's office. Ron takes out two cucumber slices and puts them on his eyes and then leans back in his chair.

Idea #90

After having a great kissing scene with Ann-Margret on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #89), Ron finds himself making out with her in her dressing room.

Ann-Margret

(heavily breathing, in between kisses)

This is wrong. I have a husband.

Ron

I warned you about my lips.

Ann-Margret

I should have believed you. Carry me to the bed.

Ron lifts her up and lays her down on the bed. He rips open her blouse exposing her bra.

Ann-Margret

Nobody can know about this.

Ron

I will tell no one.

Cut to next day at the office. Ron is sitting in his office with Brian, Champ, and Brick.

Ron

I totally bagged Ann-Margret.

Champ

How was she?

Ron

A tigress. She said I was better than Elvis.

Brian

Does that complete the set?

Brick

What set?

Ron

Yes it does.

Ron stands up and walks over to a portrait of himself hanging on the wall. He swivels it out from the wall to reveal a safe. Meticulously, he enters the combination and the safe door opens. He pulls out a scroll. He lets the end fall and it unrolls across the office carpet.

Ron

You see Brick, growing up, Elvis was the biggest sex symbol there ever was. I knew that if I wanted to be the greatest sexual specimen in the universe, I was going to have to be better than Elvis. I compiled a list of every woman Elvis has ever been with: Cybill Shepherd, Peggy Lipton, Cher, and so on.

Champ

You slept with Cher?

Ron

I did and everyone else on this list except Ann-Margret.

(beat)

Until now.

Champ

What's that other pile of papers in the safe?

Ron

These are all written letters attesting to the fact that I am a better lover than Elvis. And now I can add Ann-Margret to the list.

Ron removes a letter from his pocket. He unfolds it and puts it on top of the pile in the safe.

Ron

Now I am the greatest lover of all time!

Ron raises his fist and stands triumphant for a moment. Then, he puts his fist down.

Ron

That took longer than I expected. Elvis was a real man whore.

Brick

What are you going to do next?

Ron

I don't know. I got this five hundred piece puzzle of a country chateau. Maybe I'll tackle that next.

Brian

I'm hungry. You wanna get lunch?

Ron

Yeah, I could really go for Italian.

Ron leaves everything where it was (scroll on floor, safe open) as he and the guys walk out of the office.

Idea #89

Ron is on the set of "The Love Boat." He and the director had some problems in an earlier scene (see Idea #88) but Ron has kept to the script lately knowing it would get him to this scene. The current scene is the kiss between Ron and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret

Now, Ron, I'm sure you'll be a gentleman despite your attraction to me.

Ron

Ann-Margret, I'm shocked! I just hope you can resist these lips. For decades, women have been getting lost in them.

Ann-Margret

So, if anything happens, it's my fault.

Ron

Entirely.

Jim Hubert

Ok, everyone. Scene forty-four. Let's get Ron ready.

Two guys with buckets come up to Ron. They soak him in water. The hair and makeup girl comes over and combs his hair nicely. 

Jim Hubert

Positions.

Ron is held to look like he's hanging from the boat by two men dressed like deck hands. Bernie Kopell is standing behind the two deck hands. Ann-Margret stands next to Gavin MacLeod.

Jim Hubert

Action!

The two deck hands drag Ron onto the boat. Bernie Kopell tends to him.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

What happened?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

I was walking along the deck and he yelled out, "I'll get it!" as he dove past me off the boat.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

Do you know him?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

We met on the ship and he's been...trying to get my attention. I hope he's ok.

Ron coughs out some water.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

He's going to be fine. A little water down the wrong pipe.

Ron groans. His right hand is closed tightly in a fist. He sits up.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Take it easy, Mr. Barnes.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

You dropped this.

Ron opens his fist to show a diamond earring. Ann-Margret looks at it and checks her ear in shock.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

My earring!

Ann-Margret squats down to take it from him but remains at Ron's level with a look of wonder on her face.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

I saw you walking on the deck and I saw this sparkle fall from your ear and bounce off the boat. I remember how you told me they were your grandmother's earrings and how much they meant to you. I knew you would be upset if you lost it. Before I could talk myself out of it, I jumped.

Ann-Margret leans in and kisses Ron. She lingers a bit and parts from him.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

You're wonderful.

They kiss again.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Well, I guess he's fine.

Everyone else walks away as the Ron and Ann-Margret kiss.

Jim Hubert

Cut. That was great everyone. Shall we do another take?

Ron

Yes! I mean for safety's sake if that's ok with Ann.

Ann-Margret

Another take would be nice.

Ann-Margret smiles at Ron.

Ron

(hastily)

Where are those buckets! Places people!

Idea #88

Ron arrives on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #87). He meets with Jim Hubert, the director of this episode.

Jim Hubert

Ron, nice to meet you.

Ron

A pleasure. I'm a big fan of the show.

Jim Hubert

I like to move quickly through scenes. Do you know your lines?

Ron

I like to improvise in the manner of Chevy Chase or Billiam Murray. I know what the scenes call for.

Jim Hubert

We don't improvise here. While you're in makeup, go over them some more. I want you to know them backwards and forwards.

Ron

Absolutely.

Cut to the bar set. Cameras are aimed at the desired locations. Ron is sitting at the bar. Ted Lange is behind the bar as Isaac. Ann-Margret is at the end of the bar and no one is located between them.

Jim Hubert

Places and...action!

Ron and Ann-Margret exchange glances. There may be interest.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac?

Ted Lange comes over.

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Mr. Barnes, what can I do for you? Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Yeah, two more. Let me ask you. Who is that fine piece of tail at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

(to Ron)

Ron, please stick to the script.

Ron

(lifts glass)

Quick question. Can we have some real scotch in here instead of this apple juice?

Jim Hubert

No. Let's get ready for take 2. If you need a line, Ron, ask for it.

Ron

Got it.

Jim Hubert

Quiet on the set and...action!

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Sure. Isaac, who is that sweet piece of sugar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

Flash forward. Take eight.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who is that at the end of the bar and tell me she's not a hooker?

Jim Hubert screams in anger.

Flash forward. Take fifteen.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that a General at the end of the bar because my little soldier's saluting?

Jim Hubert kicks over his director's chair.

Flash forward. Take thirty-two.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that Ann-Margret's sexy twin?

Ron winks at Ann-Margret. She smiles. Jim Hubert punches the cameraman. 

Flash forward. Take forty-one.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, I'm going to lick that girl's toes. What's her story?

Jim Hubert tries to attack Ron but assistants hold him back.

Flash forward. Take forty-five.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who's the little lady at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut! That was the right line.

Cameraman

(with black eye)

We ran out of film halfway through.

Jim Hubert

Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ron walks up to Ann-Margret.

Ron

I know I was just playing a character but I meant everything I said.

Ann-Margret

That's very sweet of you but I'm married.

Ron

Really?

Ann-Margret

Yes, for ten years now.

Ron

Wow. Is there any chance you'd like to break your vows for this?

Ron indicates himself.

Ann-Margret

If I was a woman of lesser morals, absolutely.

Ron

You're too kind.

Jim Hubert

Ok, we have film. Ron, can you do it the same way as take forty-five?

Ron

I can do it better.

Jim Hubert

I'm looking for the same.

Ron

Suit yourself.

Come back tomorrow for the kissing scene.

Idea #87

Ron walks into the news station wearing a ship captain's hat. Brian and Brick walk up to him.

Brian

What's with the hat, Ron?

Ron

It's Captain Burgundy.

Brian

Is this because of the Love Boat?

Ron

Best show on television.

Brick

Best show on television.

Ron

Do you watch it, Brick?

Brick

No.

Ron

They have the best people on that show. The guest stars alone. I would kill to be on it.

Brian

My cousin Ed is a producer on it. Maybe he can get you a part.

Ron

Call him right now!

Brian

It's kinda early!

Ron

Call him or I'll tell everyone about that thing you don't want everyone to know!

Brian

What thing? Are you just making it up?

Ron

Can you take that chance?

Brian

I guess not.

Cut to later in Ron's office. Ron extends an old ship telescope and looks through it. The angle is a distorted closeup of things in his office. The shot continues to the doorway and we see a fun house version of Brian's face.

Brian

Ron?

Cut to regular view of office. Ron collapses the telescope and puts it away.

Ron

Hey, Brian.

Brian

You have a part.

Ron

Super! What is it?

Brian

You get to board the ship and shake the captain's hand.

Ron

An extra? I want a love story! I want to fall in love on the Love Boat!

Brian

Those go to real stars.

Ron

I'm a real star! Call him back!

Brian

It goes to real actors. I don't think he can get-

Ron

Real actors? Charo was on it. I can act Charo into a paper bag or whatever the saying is. Make it happen!

Brian

But Ron-

Ron

Big secret. Whole office.

Brian

Fine.

Cut to later. Brian walks into Ron's office.

Ron

Gopher!

Brian

Huh?

Ron

He's a character on the show that gets things done. It's a complement. You'd be laughing right now if you watched the show.

Brian

Whatever. You're getting a love story.

Ron

Really? That's fantastic! Bravo, Brian!

(pumps fist)

Hooray!

Brian

I'll get you the information on when you have to report to the set.

Ron

Do you know who my love interest is going to be?

Brian

Ann-Margret.

Ron

Viva Las Vegas' Rusty Martin? Bye Bye Birdie's Kim McAfee? The Flintstone's Ann-Margrock? Wow! Maybe after the Love Boat, we can have a Love Car Ride to my Love Home and get in my Love Bed and do the Love Sex.

Brian

Maybe.

(beat)

Was there even a secret?

Ron

What?

(beat)

No, there wasn't.

Brian

I knew it!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of Ron Burgundy's episode of the Love Boat.

Idea #86

Ron walks into the men's room at the news station. Brian is shaving at the sink. Ron heads to the sink and puts some water on his face. They are both hung over.

Brian

That was a crazy party last night.

Ron

I had a dream I was making out with a muppet and I woke up to find I was licking the back of some girl's head. 

Brian

I actually fell asleep on a girl's boob. Not as comfortable as you would think. Left a mark too.

Brian turns to Ron and points at his forehead. Brian has an impression shaped like a nipple.

Ron

Yikes.

Brian

Yeah.

Brian shaves the last spot on his face and then throws the razor in the garbage. Ron sees this and looks shocked.

Ron

What are you doing?

Brian

What?

Ron

Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian

It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron

Disposable razors?

Brian

Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're really cheap and also, there's some other shit.

Director (O.C.)

Cut! What was that?

The Director walks up to Ron and Brian.

Director

I need you guys to stick to the script. I don't know why the Bic company wants you two to do this but they do.

Ron

It's because we're real men. Good looking men.

Director

Just stick to the-

Ron

Men that built the Hoover Dam and make diamonds with their bare hands.

Director

Is he done?

Ron

Men that eat live animals and screw nameless women. Now I'm done.

Director

Ok-

Ron

Wait! Men that - Nope, I was done.

Director

Fantastic. Once again from "Why'd you throw out your razor?" Positions.

Ron and Brian go back the sinks.

Director (O.C.)

Action.

Ron

Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian

It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron

Disposable razors?

Brian

Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're cheap and I don't have to carry around that heavy, bulky old razor.

Ron

I, Ron Burgundy, would also like to use one.

Brian

They're available at most drug stores and retail establishments.

Ron

Hey, I live by a retail establishment.

Brian

They should have one.

Both

Disposable razors by Bic. Go shave yourself!

Idea #85

Veronica reports that Barney Clark receives the first artificial heart transplant.

Ron

Didn't you beat him to it? I thought your heart was artificial or is that missing?

Veronica

Really? We've been divorced for two years. You're still going to do this on live TV like all the other fights?

Ron

That hurt doesn't go away.

Veronica

You cheated on me!

Ron

But she was eighteen which is so young, it shouldn't count and it was in the first three months of marriage which is universally known as the "open period."

Veronica

So, I could have been with another man in the first three months and you would have been ok with it?

Ron

(hesitates)

Sure.

Veronica

That's a relief. I've been feeling guilty.

Ron

(confused)

Why would you be feeling-

(realizing)

You didn't!

Veronica

I did!

Ron

Sweet Moses Malone! You two-timing whore!

Veronica

Wow, I feel much better now. I've been holding that in too long.

Ron

Who was it?

Veronica

I doesn't matter.

Ron

Then I know him.

Veronica

You do. He was a gentle lover and he made me feel special.

Ron

Who was it?

Veronica

Garth.

Ron

Garth? Like Weird Beard Garth?

(laughs)

That doesn't count.

Veronica

You know, you should ask him for some advice. You could learn a lot from him.

Ron

Are you saying he's better in bed than me?

Veronica

Yes. Coming up, what other fruit can keep the doctor away? You'll need to know with the upcoming apple shortage. Right after this.

Idea #84

Veronica reports that Margaret Thatcher will become the first woman Prime Minister of England.

Ron

You must be happy.

Veronica

Why would I be happy? I don't live in England.

Ron

Just another thing women get to do. The glass ceiling's there for a reason, you know.

Veronica

You are unbelievable.

Ron

I'm unbelievable?!? What's next, women voting?

Veronica

Women do vote, Ron.

Ron

When did this happen?

Veronica

About sixty years ago.

Ron

That's ridiculous. No wonder Kennedy won. A bunch of women voting with their nether regions.

Veronica

Ron, we're on the air.

Ron

So what? A man can't voice his opinion about a woman leading the country? At least we don't have that problem here. A woman will never be President of the United States. Vice President, maybe. But never President. I promise you that.

Veronica

How do you promise that?

Ron

I know people.

Veronica

Champ? Your going to have Champ assassinate any potential female Presidents?

Ron

(bottling up)

No. Who's Champ? This discussion is over.

(lifts up copy, clears throat)

Tonight on television, Boss Hogg will once again try to take down the Duke boys. I think he's going to do it. He was real close last week.

(to Veronica)

Did you see it Veronica?

Veronica glares at him.

Ron

That Daisy Duke. She could be President. President of the Ron-ited States.

Ron chuckles and Veronica shakes her head.

Idea #83

Ron and Veronica are reporting the news from the news desk.

Veronica

With the passing of Pope Paul VI, the Vatican has begun the process of electing a new pope. Coming up later, we will have an expert in the studio to explain the process and other things that happen in the papal conclave.

Ron

I'd like to take a stab at it.

Veronica

There's nothing to take a stab at, Ron. The expert knows and will tell us.

Ron

We don't need an expert. I'm going to knock this one out of the park.

Veronica

You're going to look like an idiot.

Ron

I think you're wrong.

Veronica

Well, you're the expert.

Ron

Thank you.

Veronica

(frustrated)

On being wrong. You're the expert on being wrong! It wasn't a complement!

Ron

We'll see.

Veronica

Fine, tell us.

Ron

The pope understudies-

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Same thing. They all get in a room. There's sixteen of them.

Veronica

Not true.

Ron

These sixteen guys enter a round robin, double elimination tournament of which the winner becomes the pope.

Veronica

(growing amused)

What do they do in this tournament?

Ron

It's a decathlon. A pope-al decathlon.

Veronica

Papal. And what are the ten events?

Ron

Right, ten. There's chess, caber toss-

Veronica

Some of these guys are very old. Hard to throw a caber.

Ron

They don't have to throw it far. They're not Olympians. They're subpopes.

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Let's see. Judo, The Game of Life, chess. How many is that?

Veronica

Five but you said "chess" twice. So four.

Ron

Chili cookoff, hangman, 100-meter hurdles, speed painting.

Veronica

What's speed painting?

Ron

Well, they each paint a room and the one that paints his room the fastest wins.

Veronica

How do they know all the rooms are the same size?

Ron

Well, it's the same room.

Veronica

So they just paint the same room over and over?

Ron

Yes.

Veronica

That makes more sense. What are the last two?

Ron

Tug of war and an essay on why he wants to be pope. I feel like you're mocking me.

Veronica

I am. That list is ridiculous.

Cut to later in the show. Veronica and Ron are sitting in chairs across from Gerard, a papal expert.

Gerard

It is said that Pope Pius X made the best chili in the history of the tournament. Chili's inclusion in the tournament dates back to the early 1900s when it replaced leech tolerance, which was an event to see which cardinal, or subpope, could place the most leeches on his body. They continually update the events to keep up with the times. The Vatican likes to be trendy. 

Ron watches on with a smile of satisfaction as Veronica stares in shock.

Idea #82

Ron and Veronica are at the news desk anchoring.

Veronica

When we come back, the U.S. and Iran sign a ten billion dollar arms deal.

Ron

Wow! Ten million?

Veronica

No, Ron. Billion.

Ron

That's a lot of money. How much money do you think we could get for my arms?

Veronica

We're on the news.

Ron

I work out for real now. Not like the time you came to my office and I-

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

I'm just looking for a number.

(flexes left arm in his suit)

What do you think, San Diego? How much would you sign these babies for?

Veronica

This is so unprofessional.

Ron

If you act now, I'll throw in the second arm at no additional cost.

(flexes right arm)

That's an unbelievable value.

Veronica

Are we at commercial yet?

The cameraman shakes his head.

Ron

Come on, San Diego.

A phone rings by Brian. He looks confused and picks it up.

Brian

Hello?

(beat)

Forty dollars?

Veronica

San Diego, I implore you to rise above this charade.

"What's New, Pussycat?" pumps over the studio speakers. Ron dances around to Tom Jones.

Ron

Forty dollars? I'm insulted, though appreciative. Did I mention all proceeds go to orphans?

Veronica

What orphans?

Ron

(indignant but dancing and flexing)

You don't think there are still orphans in this world. Drinking gruel when they don't want to.

Veronica

That's Oliver Twist and you eat gruel.

Ron

I don't eat gruel and neither should orphans.

Brian picks up another ringing phone.

Brian

Hello?

(beat)

A hundred dollars!

Ron

(singing)

Whoooa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh!

Veronica

(to producer booth)

Go to commercial right now!

Ron

Stop hating orphans, Corningstone!

Veronica groans in anger and walks off the set as Ron dances around and Brian answers the phone once more.

Brian

How much for Ron's arms?

(beat)

I can't hear you.

(beat)

A thousand dollars!?!

Ron

Let me talk to them.

(takes phone)

A thousand dollars!?! Thank you so much. May I ask who this is?

(beat)

Wait! I know this voice!

(looks around)

Where's Champ?

Champ comes running in out of breath.

Ron

Was that you on the phone?

Champ

No. I mean, what phone? What? I don't even have a thousand dollars.

Ron

That's it. Shut it down. Go to commercial.

The music stops and Ron sits back down professionally at the news desk and stares disapprovingly at Champ.

Idea #81

Richard Dawson, technically dead for a little more than a minute (see Idea #80), remains in the center of the stage with machines keeping him alive. Ron and the Producer are in a heated argument.

Ron

We are finishing this show!

Producer

Richard was dead for two minutes!

Ron

"WAS" dead. He's fine now.

Producer

This discussion is over. The ambulance is coming to take Richard to the hospital.

Ron

How are we going to get that prize money? We beat Mantooth and you know it. Just because Dawson can't bleed on the outside like a normal person doesn't mean-

Producer

You can just have the money for your charity.

Ron

Oh.

(confused)

Really?

Producer

Yes.

Ron

Well, that's good.

(to news team)

Guys, we won!

(to producer)

Can we get a picture to remember this by?

Producer

Fine.

Cut to a snap shot of Ron, Champ, Brick, and the Nurse standing beside Richard Dawson's comatose body showing exuberance about winning Family Feud.

Cut to much later. Brian opens the door of the sound proof booth.

Brian

Guys? Hello? Anyone? Can I come out now?

Idea #80

Richard Dawson, in a coma as a result of an unfortunate fast money answer coincidence (see Idea #79), rests in the middle of the Family Feud set with hospital monitors beeping around him. A nurse checks his vitals. Ron is nearby talking to the Producer.

Producer

We are going against his doctor's recommendation. Actually we're going against common sense.

Ron

He said he was going to finish this show and we can help him do that. It could be his dying wish. What if he doesn't wake up? You want that on your head?

Producer

Well, no, but what you are suggesting is ridiculous.

Ron

Ridiculous or brilliant?

Producer

You heard what I said.

Ron

Just point the cameras.

(turns to Champ)

Champ? Like we talked about.

Champ walks to the center of the stage by Richard Dawson's bed. Ron walks over to the nurse. 

Ron

These machines are making too much noise. Can you stop the beeping?

Nurse

The only way to stop the beeping is to shut off the machines.

Ron

Ok.

Nurse

The machines are keeping him alive right now.

Ron

Can we shut them off for a little bit?

Nurse

But he won't be breathing.

Ron

Ok, but I can hold my breath for five minutes.

Nurse

No you can't.

Ron

Well, it's close to that. Anyway, we can get through this real fast. Double time.

Nurse

He could end up with brain damage.

Ron

We'll be quick.

Nurse

No!

Ron

Sorry to have to do this.

(beat)

Brick, unplug him.

Cut to Brick pulling the plug. The machines stop functioning. Ron jumps into the bed with Richard Dawson. Champ gets under the bed.

Ron

Roll cameras!

The camera shows Ron and Richard Dawson next to each other.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Welcome back to The Feud!

Ron reaches over and presses on Richard Dawson's chin to open and close the mouth in time with Champ's talking.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Let's see how you did, Ron.

Ron

I'm excited, Dawson.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

First question: Name a char-

Producer

(over house speakers)

I'm shutting this down.

Ron

What?!?

Producer

(over house speakers)

This isn't right.

Ron

The man may be dying! This is all he ever wanted!

Brick (O.S.)

Ron? Uh, Ron?

Ron

Not now, Brick!

Brick

Should I plug him back in?

Nurse

Yes!

Ron

Oh, yeah. Plug him in.

Brick plugs him in and the machines start functioning again. The nurse checks to make sure Richard Dawson is still alive. He is. The nurse breathes out relieved.

Ron

Ok, let's do this again. From the top!

Producer

(over house speakers)

No!

Ron

Fine. Let's take five. Let the man breathe for a bit. Probably too soon to unplug him again.

See you tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion to Family Feud week at I Wanna Write Anchorman 2.

Idea #79

Richard Dawson, in a hospital bed due to injuries suffered during regular play (see Idea #78), gets set to push himself through fast money with the winning team, Channel Four News.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back! Channel Four, are you ready to play fast money for five thousand dollars?

Channel Four

Yes!

Richard Dawson

Ok, I need two of you.

Ron and Brick come forward.

Richard Dawson

Not Brick. Use Brian.

Ron

You can't tell us who to-

Richard Dawson

This is my show!

(coughs)

Brian or I bring back Channel Nine and give them the win.

Ron

Brian it is.

Brick turns around and goes back. Brian passes him on the way to center stage.

Richard Dawson

Who's going first?

Ron

I am.

Richard Dawson

Ok, Ron come to my left. Brian go backstage.

Richard Dawson, from his bed, points in some direction off stage. Ron takes a position next to Dawson. Brian leaves.

Richard Dawson

I'm gonna ask-

Producer

(over house speakers)

Richard?

Richard Dawson

What now?

Producer

(over house speakers)

We can't get a shot of your face and Ron's with you in the bed.

Ron

I can get in the bed with him.

Richard Dawson

No way.

Producer

(over house speakers)

It's either that or sit up.

Richard Dawson

Fine.

Ron gets into the bed next to Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Can we continue?

Producer

(over house speaker)

It looks good. Go.

Richard Dawson

I'm gonna ask you five questions in fifteen seconds. Try to give me the most popular answer. If you can't think of something, say "Pass." Now, if you and Brian can rack up two hundred points, you will win five thousand dollars for your charity. Fifteen seconds on the clock.

(groans)

Time will-

Ron

I can have Champ rub your side. Champ?

Richard Dawson

No, let's just finish. Time will start after I read the first question. I'd say "Good Luck" but I hate you all.

(beat)

Name a character from the Wizard of Oz.

Ron

Dorothy.

Richard Dawson

Name the planet's greatest enemy.

Ron

Man.

Richard Dawson

Name something you lose as a child that makes you sad.

Ron

Tooth.

Richard Dawson

Name a method of finishing a lollipop.

Ron

Licks.

Richard Dawson

Name something essential to gym class.

Ron

Balls.

Richard Dawson

Let's see how you did. Do you feel good?

Ron

I feel great, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Jimmy, wheel me around to face the board.

Jimmy turns the bed with Ron and Dawson in it 180 degrees. After a beat, Ron starts laughing.

Ron

(laughing)

Hey Champ, look at the board.

Champ looks and starts laughing and Brick joins in because. Reading the answers down, the board reads "Dorothy Man Tooth Licks Balls." A loud yell can be heard off stage. It gets louder as Wes Mantooth emerges on the set and dives at Ron, knocking over the bed with Richard Dawson in it. Another brawl breaks out with Richard Dawson lying on the ground lifeless. The show cuts to commercial.

Idea #78

Richard Dawson passed out from internal injuries suffered during the brawl (see Idea #77).

Cut to a close-up of Richard Dawson's face. There is a white background and his face is still bandaged and bruised.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back to The Feud! Sorry for the technical difficulties. When we last left off, Channel Four won control of the board and it was Champ's turn.

(beat)

Jimmy, why don't you bring me closer? I can still point.

The camera pulls back to show Richard Dawson lying on a hospital bed in the studio with IV bags hanging next to him. Jimmy, a young intern, is holding the mic by Dawson's face.

Producer

(over house speakers)

Richard, maybe you should listen to your doctors and put that bed in a hospital.

Richard Dawson

We are finishing this fucking show! Get rid of the last two answers! Make this a top four board and triple the values!

Cuts to the board and answer plates five and six flip over to become blanks.

Richard Dawson

 Wheel me over there, Jimmy! Let's go!

Jimmy rolls the bed over by Champ.

Richard Dawson

Roll cameras!

(beat)

Champ, name a fruit you can take your family to pick.

Champ

Strawberries.

Richard Dawson

Show me strawberries!

Richard Dawson points with his non-IV arm in the general direction of the board. The camera shows the board with three possible answers. After a pause, the number two answer plate flips to read "STRAWBERRIES        24."

Richard Dawson

Number two answer and that's enough to win the game!

Wes Mantooth

Oh, come on! How is that fair?!?

Richard Dawson

Mantooth, I will cut you! You lost! This is my show!

Ron

Suck it, Mantooth!

Richard Dawson

I'll cut you next, Burgundy!

Ron

Easy, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

(calmly)

Thanks for playing Channel Nine. Your charity would be getting something but that money is going to pay for my hospital bills. You can tell those disappointed children that they don't get water to fill their pool because you put Richard Dawson on a gurney.

(beat)

Burgundy, pick two people to play fast money.

(beat)

We'll be back after this.

Producer

(over house speakers)

Commercial.

Richard Dawson

Someone get me a fucking pain pill!

Idea #77

The face off for Round Two is about to be under way (see Idea #76).

Richard Dawson

Welcome back to The Feud! 

(beat)

Brian? Craig? Come on up.

Brian from Channel Four and Craig from Channel Nine come to the face off podium. Craig extends his hand to shake Brian's. Brian goes to shake his hand and Craig quickly pulls his hand away and smoothes his hair in a slick motion. Brian quickly punches Craig in the face. A brawl breaks out between both news teams. Richard Dawson gets caught in the middle.

Cut to Richard Dawson standing at the face off podium. His nose is bandaged and both of his eyes are bruised.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back to The Feud!

(groans and holds side)

We're going to try something different. We're going to do the face off portion from where the current contestants are standing. They are going to yell out an answer and whoever yells out the best answer first, wins the turn. Brian? Craig? Ready?

Brian has a bandage under his right eye and Craig is missing two teeth when he smiles.

Richard Dawson

We asked one hundred people the following question. Top six answers are on the board. Name a fruit-

Ron

Wes Mantooth.

Ron and his news team laugh.

Richard Dawson

Dammit, Ron! How many hours is it going to take to shoot this show?

Ron

Sorry, Richard Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Let's keep this moving. Name a fruit you can take your family to pick.

Brian

Apples!

Richard Dawson

I heard apples. Show me apples.

It shows the board with six possible answers. After a pause, the number one answer plate flips to show "APPLES               55." Ron and the gang high five each other.

Richard Dawson

Number one answer.

(winces)

I think I'm going to host from over here. Besides, I don't want to get too close to "Right Hook" Tamland over there. You have fists like your first name.

Brick

I drink a lot of milk.

Richard Dawson

Champ.

Blood starts to fall out of Richard Dawson's ear.

Richard Dawson

Champ, name a-

Richard Dawson's eyes roll back a little and he sways before steadying himself.

Ron

Are you ok, Dawson?

Richard Dawson

I'm fine. Champ-

Richard Dawson falls to the floor. The show cuts to commercial.

Idea #76

Ron won the face off with Wes (see Idea #75) and is back at the news team feud station.

Richard Dawson

Ron, who are these people you're playing with for those people who don't know you?

Ron

You mean the ones living under a rock?

(chuckles)

This is Brian. He's our man on the street and our best dresser next to yours truly. Next, we have Champ Kind, our sports guy and resident crazy person. Every office has one. Right, Dawson?

Richard Dawson

Sure, Ron.

Ron

And, finally, Brick Tamland. Brick is our weatherman and he's special like you and me.

Richard Dawson

Great. Let's keep this going with Brian. Brian, name something that comes in pairs.

(in repeat voice)

Something that comes in pairs.

Brian

Shoes.

Channel Four News Team

Good answer! Great answer!

Brick

I have shoes.

Richard Dawson

Shoes do come in pairs. Show me "shoes."

It shows the board with four possible answers. After a pause, the number two answer plate flips to show "SHOES          28." Ron and the gang clap.

Richard Dawson

Champ. Something that comes in pairs.

Champ

Handcuffs.

Richard Dawson

Handcuffs?

Champ

There's one for each wrist.

Richard Dawson

Ok. Show me "handcuffs."

It shows the board with three possible answers. After a short pause a buzzer sounds and a red "X" appears for the viewing audience.

Richard Dawson

That's ok. You're allowed two wrong answers.

(beat)

Brick.

Brick

I'm ready to play this game.

Richard Dawson

Good, Brick. Name something that comes in pairs.

Brick

Slacks.

Channel Four News Team

Good answer!

Richard Dawson

A pair of slacks!

It shows the board with three possible answers. After a pause, the number three answer plate flips to show "PANTS         12." Ron and the gang clap.

Richard Dawson

Ron, we are back to you. Two answers left on the board. You have one strike.

Ron

Yeah, because Champ gets arrested every week.

Champ

It's a problem I'm dealing with.

Richard Dawson

Ok, guys. Ron, name something that comes in pairs.

Ron

Twins. Blondes, brunettes, doesn't matter to me.

Richard Dawson

Ok. Double your pleasure, double your fun. Show me "twins."

It shows the board with two possible answers. After a pause, the number five answer plate flips to show "TWINS               5." Ron and the gang clap.

Ron

Super duper!

Richard Dawson

One answer left. Brian. Pairs. Something.

Brian

I'm blanking.

Richard Dawson

Three seconds.

Brian

Uhhhh.

After a short pause a buzzer sounds and a red "X" appears for the viewing audience.

Brian

Damn.

Richard Dawson

Channel Nine, be ready to steal.

(beat)

Ok, Champ. One answer left on the board. No strikes left.

Ron

Don't fuck this up.

Richard Dawson

Ron, language.

(to producers)

Can we bleep that?

Ron

Champ, you better get this. I'll have Harken fire you.

Richard Dawson

Ron!

(beat)

Champ, something that comes in pairs.

Ron

I'm going to kick you in a pair.

Champ

Ok.

Ron

I'm going to sneak into your house late at night dressed all in black and strangle you. On my hands, I'm going to wear-

Champ

Gloves!

Richard Dawson

Gloves? Show me "gloves."

It shows the board with one possible answer. After a pause, the number four answer plate flips to show "GLOVES          9." Ron and the gang jump up and down together.

Ron

(to Champ)

You get to live! Hooray!

Richard Dawson

When we come back, the point values are doubled. Stick around.

Idea #75

Ron and the news team vie against Wes Mantooth and his news team on Family Feud (see Idea #74). Ron and Wes come up to "face off."

Richard Dawson

Before we begin, Ron, which charity is Channel Four News playing for?

Ron

We will be playing for UNICEF and all that they do around the world.

Richard Dawson

Very good. And you Wes?

Wes Mantooth

The San Diego YMCA.

Ron laughs. Wes looks at him. Ron coughs into his fist.

Ron

I'm sorry.

Wes Mantooth

Do you have a problem with our charity?

Ron

No. I was wondering, though, how many Nobel Peace Prizes the San Diego YMCA has won.

Richard Dawson

Gentlemen, let's save it for the game.

Ron

It's saved, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Good. Now shake hands?

Both are involved in a death stare.

Richard Dawson

Ok, remember this is for fun and good causes.

Ron

(quietly)

Ours is better.

Wes Mantooth

You know what Burgundy?

Richard Dawson

Guys!

(composes)

Top five answers on the board. Name something that comes in pairs.

Ron and Wes both slap the buzzer. Wes got it in just before.

Richard Dawson

Wes.

Wes Mantooth

Boobs.

(laughs)

No, seriously, socks.

Richard Dawson

I'm sorry. We have to go with your first answer.

Wes Mantooth

I was clearly joking.

Ron

It's Feud Law. Deal with it.

Wes Mantooth

Stay out of this Burgundy!

Richard Dawson

I'm sorry. Show me "boobs."

It shows the board with five possible answers. After a short pause a buzzer sounds and a red "X" appears for the viewing audience. It cuts back to the front podium.

Richard Dawson

Ron, it's your turn.

Ron

Well, on behalf of San Diego newspeople, I want to apologize for my peer's unfortunate answer. I will go with "socks."

Richard Dawson

Show me "socks."

It shows the board with five possible answers. After a pause, the number one answer plate flips to show, "SOCKS           42."

Richard Dawson

The number one answer! Wes, go back to your side and be ready to steal.

Wes Mantooth

But he stole my answer!

Richard Dawson

We have to take your first answer.

(building excitement)

Let's meet the Channel Four News Team!

Ron walks back to his spot at the head of the news team feud station.

Seriously, Round One next time.

Idea #74

Ron and the rest of the Channel Four News Team take on Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine News Team on a celebrity edition of Family Feud.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

It's time for the Family Feud!

The camera cuts to the opening that reads "Channel Four." The window opens to show Ron standing proudly. Brick is facing the wrong direction. Brian is play-choking Champ.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

Introducing the first news team. Channel Four News. Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ. Ready for action!

Ron and the gang run out of the room. The camera cuts to the opening that reads "Channel Nine." The window opens to show Wes Mantooth standing significantly in front of the three other news members.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

And the second news team. Channel Nine News. Wes, Craig, Fran, and Bart. On your marks...let's start...THE FAMILY FEEEEUUUUUD!

Wes and the rest of the news team run out of the room.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

With the star of Family Feud, RICHARD DAWSON!

Richard Dawson enters the stage.

Richard Dawson

Thank you, Gene. Welcome to the Feud. Two of San Diego's finest news teams.

Ron

The best right here, Richard.

Richard Dawson

Ok, Ron. Thanks. 

(beat)

As you know, the first team to two hundred dollars wins the game and gets a chance to play Fast Money for your charities. Let's start the feud. Ron, Wes. Come on up.

Round One next time.

Idea #73

Ron stops by Champ's office to see what his plans are for lunch. Champ is sitting at his desk with his hat pulled down taking a nap. On the wall is a tear-away pad with the number 683 on it. Written above the pad is "Nadia and Champ." Ron knocks.

Ron

Hey, Champ. What are you doing for lunch?

Champ

I feel like ribs and beer.

Ron

Sounds good.

(points to wall)

What's that?

Champ

You like it?

Ron

I don't know. I don't know what it is, yet. How can I form an opinion?

Champ

It's my official countdown to when I can be with Nadia Coma-Comani-that gymnast. 

Ron

The one from the Olympics?

Ron

Yup. That's how many days until she's sixteen.

Ron

Isn't the age of consent eighteen? You've gotten in trouble for that mixup before.

Champ

I got it covered this time. She only has to be sixteen in St. Kitts.

Ron

Where's that?

Champ

Beats the hell out of me but have you seen the way she bends? I'll find St. Kitts for that. Am I right?

Ron

Yes?

Champ

Forget her routine, her body's a perfect 10.

Ron

She's shaped like a toddler. Besides, you're going to forget who she is two weeks after the Olympics are over.

Champ

That's not true. She will be mine.

Cut to twelve days later. Ron stops by Champ's office for lunch plans. Champ is not there. On the wall, the name "Nadia" is crossed out and written above is "Kate Jackson." Ron smirks.

Idea #72

Ron, Champ, Brick, and Brian go to see Star Wars as the hype is too much for them to ignore. After the movie, they walk out of the theater.

Ron

I don't get why everybody likes it.

Champ

It's some stupid, nerd movie. Let's go to a bar.

Brian

How do you even know what kind of movie it was? You slept through the whole thing.

Champ

I sleep through stupid, nerd movies. Case closed.

Ron

Here here.

Brian

I liked it. What did you think Brick?

Brick

It was good. I think Darth Vader is Luke's dad and Leia is Luke's sister.

Brian

And Chewbacca is Luke's uncle.

Brian laughs.

Brick

No, Chewbacca's not the same species.

Ron

Seriously, let's go to the bar.

Brian

There's going to be a sequel.

Ron

Well, unless they put that girl in some kind of a futuristic bikini, count me out.

Brian

Fine, Brick and I will go.

Champ

Meesa so excited for your gay date. Meesa can't wait for you and Brick to get married.

Brian

What the hell are you doing?

Ron

Yeah, Champ. That was offensive.

As the guys walk off screen, a man stands up from behind the garbage can. He is in the shadows. He walks forward into the light. It's George Lucas. He has a notepad and he writes in it.

George Lucas

(writing)

Luke's sister.

(beat, writing)

Futuristic bikini.

(beat, writing)

Offensive "meesa" character.

(to himself)

George, you are so smart. You are going to be rich.

(back to himself)

I know.

George Lucas pulls out a mirror and starts making out with his reflection in the parking lot of the movie theater.

Idea #71

Brian shows up at Ron's office at the end of the work day. He has a sexy woman on each arm. Gina on the left. Marci on the right.

Brian

You got any plans for tonight? We're looking for a fourth.

Ron

This must be my lucky day.

The girls giggle.

Ron

So, where are we taking these fine ladies?

Brian

I don't know, girls. Where do you wanna go?

Marci

Can we go to the roller disco?

Brian

I don't know.

Marci

Please!

Gina

Please!

Brian goes by Ron.

Brian

(under breath)

What's a roller disco?

Ron

(under breath)

I don't know. I think they made it up. Maybe it's what they call their place.

Ron

(to girls)

Let's do it.

The girls cheer.

Cut to later. There is a closeup of Ron and Brian in their work suits leaning and talking. Gina and Marci are not in sight. There is disco music playing in the background.

Ron

This is not what I expected at all.

Brian

It makes sense. A roller disco would involve roller skates and disco music.

Ron

You're right. We should have seen this coming.

Brian

I feel overdressed.

Ron

Don't. These other guys look like freaky hobos. Tight, glittery pants don't even belong on a woman.

Brian

Shall we?

Ron

We didn't pay to stand around.

The camera pulls back to show Ron and Brian push off from the rink wall. They both fall hard. Gina and Marci skate to them and help them up.

Gina

Have you boys done this before?

Ron

Of course. I'm just not so good on these rented skates. If I had my own-

Gina

Do you want to go to your place and get the skates?

Ron

I'm worried if we go back to my place, we won't come back.

Gina

Why?

Ron

Because we'd have sex.

Gina

Oh.

(giggle)

That wouldn't be so bad.

Brian

Uh, Ron.

Ron

What is it?

Brian

(under breath to Ron)

I thought I was with Gina.

Ron

(to Brian)

She seems to want to be with me.

Marci

Can I come have sex too?

Ron

Sure.

(to Brian)

Can you get home ok?

Brian

Are you really doing this?

Ron

It looks like it. This is a bad friend move and I apologize already.

Brian

Can you at least drop me off?

Ron

Nope. They seem to be in a hurry.

(beat)

Well, take care.

Ron and the girls leave. Brian kicks the air in anger and falls down.

Idea #70

After an influx of intra-office fighting, the higher-ups at the news station decide to try out Large Group Awareness Training. All employees of the Channel 4 News Station are required to attend this four day seminar taking place at a secluded Howard Johnson's.

Day One, 9:03 AM

In the conference room at the Howard Johnson's, the employees sit in folding chairs facing the front of the room. At the front of the room, holding a megaphone, is the guru, Harvey Grohl. Standing behind him is another man, Robert. Ron, Champ, and Brian walk in late and hungover. Brick is seated in the front with a pen and paper. The only remaining chairs are in the front next to him.

Harvey

Guys, please, there are perfectly good seats in the front.

Ron

How long is this gonna take? I got a date tonight.

Harvey

You are going to have to cancel that date. I have you for another 95 hours and change.

Champ

Can we at least turn the lights off in here?

Harvey

No. Let's begin, shall we?

(beat)

Your boss tells me that you guys have been fighting a lot in the office lately. Well, we're going to put an end to that with my patented strategy. My assistant Robert will help me demonstrate one of the things we are going to learn over the next four days. Robert?

Robert walks forward wearing a white t-shirt. Harvey takes out a marker.

Harvey

(pointing to Brian)

What is your name?

Brian

Brian.

Harvey

Brian, what makes you mad at the office?

Brian

When Harken makes me report from the field.

Ed Harken stands up.

Ed

That's your job! That's the only thing you do!

Brian

That's the only thing you let me do.

Harvey

Ed, this is Brian's turn. You'll get yours. Ok.

Harvey takes the marker and writes on Robert's t-shirt.

Harvey

(says words as he writes them)

Reporting...From...the...Field

(straightens up)

Ok, I call this one Three Kicks and a Hug. Now, I'm Brian. I don't like reporting from the field. In this case, Robert is "reporting from the field."

(beat)

NO!

Harvey kicks Robert in the shin. Robert grabs his shin. 

Harvey

NO!

Harvey kicks Robert in the groin. Robert doubles over and grabs his groin while hopping on one leg.

Harvey

NO!

Harvey roundhouse kicks Robert in the head sending him flying to the ground. Harvey pounces on Robert and holds him like he's dying in his arms.

Harvey

(near tears)

I'm sorry "Reporting From the Field." What have I done?

(crying and shouting)

NOOOOOOO! I'LL NEVER SAY A BAD THING ABOUT YOU AGAIN!

Harvey rolls Robert, who is unconscious, off of him and stands up. He gathers himself.

Harvey

And that is one of my many techniques.

(to Brian)

How do you feel about reporting from the field now?

Brian

The same.

Harvey

Oooo, a tough nut to crack. I like a challenge.

(beat)

Well, let's take a break so I can find another assistant. Let's say thirty minutes. You guys can still catch the breakfast buffet. Anyone here know where the nearest bus stop is or homeless shelter?

No one answers and shuffles out of the room. Harvey drags Robert out through the emergency exit.

Idea #69

Ron has a date with the new secretary Madeline. She is 22 and very attractive. They are at dinner in a fancy restaurant. In front of each of them is a plate of Beef Wellington. She is not eating.

Ron

Madeline. That's an odd name.

Madeline

I was named after the children's book about the little girl in France.

Ron

What's it called?

Madeline

Madeline.

Ron

I've never heard of it. What's it about?

Madeline

(annoyed)

A little girl in France.

Ron

(not really paying attention anymore)

Fascinating.

(beat)

Are you enjoying your meal? They have the best Beef Wellington.

Madeline

Yeah. I don't eat this. I tried to tell you while you were ordering for me but you put your finger over my mouth from across the table.

Ron

You can do to put a few pounds on that frame.

Madeline

(takes deep breath)

What I'm saying is I don't eat meat.

Ron

(in a lower voice)

You can eat it. I won't tell any of your cult members.

Madeline

I'm going to order a salad.

Ron

I'll have them wrap that up so you can take it home. You know, eat it in private.

Madeline

I'm just going to go. This was a mistake. You're too old for me.

Ron

Too old for you? I'm 28!

Madeline

So that means you've been doing the news since you were 12?

Ron

I matured at a very early age. I had this mustache when I was 10. It was a glandular thing.

Madeline

Good night, Mr. Burgundy.

Madeline walks away.

Ron

You're not going to wait for your doggie bag!

(beat)

See you at work tomorrow!

Idea #68

Ron and the guys are hanging out in his office. There is a Rubik's Cube on his desk and it is all jumbled.

Ron

They were working together as one. It was like making love to a spider. A sexy spider with four boobies and hair that smelled like an orange grove.

Champ

I've never had a threesome. I've had a foursome and an eightsome but never a threesome.

Brian

What's an eightsome like?

Champ

A lot of jockeying for position. A lot of peeing. It's very territorial.

Brian

I can see that.

Brick

(pointing to the Rubik's Cube)

What's that on your desk? It's pretty.

Ron

(picking it up)

It's a Rubik's Cube. It's some game where you have to get each side to be one color.

Brian

I've heard of that. They say no one can solve it.

Brick

Can I try it?

Ron throws it to Brick. Brick twists one of the rows in fascination and leaves the room.

Cut to Ron's office a few hours later. Ron is by himself on the verge of falling asleep. Brick walks in with his hand behind his back.

Ron

Hey, Brick, you missed lunch.

Brick

Yeah.

Ron

Did you get anywhere with that Cube?

Cut to earlier in Brick's office. Brick moves another row and completes the yellow side. He looks happy.

Brick

Yeah.

Cut back to Ron's office. Brick steps forward, takes his hand from behind his back, and puts two square pieces from the Rubik's Cube on Ron's desk. One is chipped. Ron looks confused.

Ron

What happened?

Cut back to earlier in Brick's office. He just finished the yellow side. He's happy and turns the cube and starts fuming.

Brick

But I did the green side! Why don't the sides stay when you finish them!?!

Brick lets out a scream and throws the cube across the floor. He jumps with both feet on top of it. There is lots of profanity. He stomps on it.

Cut to outside Brick's door. A woman walks by and hears the banging and screaming through the door.

Cut back inside Brick's office. He is slamming a bat into the Cube on the ground.

Brick

Stupid rainbow square!

Brick, screaming, takes one last rage-filled swing with the bat. It cuts back to Ron's office before the swing is finished.

Brick

I dropped it.

Idea #67

Ron Burgundy goes on a date with Farrah Fawcett. The two of them are seated at a restaurant for a nice dinner.

Ron

Wow. You are beautiful. I would say you look like an angel but you probably get that a lot.

Ron laughs. She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

I always thought I could be in movies. I mean, I have the face. People don't realize what they are getting for free when they tune into the news of which I am the anchor for.

She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

I enjoy your show. Have you ever seen Charlie?

She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

You don't talk very much, do you? I know you can. I've seen it on TV.

She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

I think your hair looks stupid. And I know good hair.

(beat)

Nothing? What's wrong with you? Frankly, I should have just gone on a date with your poster. I've had more fun with that thing than I've had with you tonight. That is to mean I've masturbated to it.

Cut to the next day. The guys are in Ron's office.

Brian

So, how was it? Was she like that poster?

Ron

Better.

Idea #66

A crowd is gathered in the center of the news bullpen. Ron walks in and notices the crowd. They don't notice him. There is a cheer.

Ron

(to himself)

But, I'm over here.

Ron walks over to the crowd and pushes his way through. He sees Brian near the front.

Ron

Brian!

Brian

Ron, come up here. You have to see this.

Ron gets to the front and finds Brick sitting in front of the television playing Pong. He does not miss.

Brian

Brick hasn't missed once. He's been playing all night. He hasn't eaten, gone to the bathroom. I don't think he's blinked. 

Ron

Brick, you ok?

Brick doesn't answer.

Brian

He's in some kind of zone. Watch.

Brian walks up and waves his hand in front of Brick's face. Nothing changes. He tickles Brick's nose. Nothing. Champ walks up.

Champ

I got it.

Champ punches Brick in the face. He leans over due to the force of the punch but leans right back and continues playing.

Ron

That's incredible.

(beat)

How's he going to do the weather?

Brian

I don't know.

Cut to the news telecast and Ron is sitting in the anchor chair.

Ron

We not turn it over to Brick Tamland with weather.

Cut to Brick staring blank-faced at the screen. The weather map is behind him and Brian is standing next to him.

Champ (O.C.)

(in a high-pitched, sounds nothing like Brick-voice)

The weather's nice out. Over here...

Brian lifts Brick's arms holding the controller to California.

Champ (O.C.)

(in same voice as before)

it's 74. Back to you, Ron.

Brian points Brick's arms towards Ron.

Cut to Ron staring blankly off camera in the direction of where Brick was. He gathers himself and smiles at the camera.

Ron

Don't go away. We'll be right back.