Idea #83

Ron and Veronica are reporting the news from the news desk.

Veronica

With the passing of Pope Paul VI, the Vatican has begun the process of electing a new pope. Coming up later, we will have an expert in the studio to explain the process and other things that happen in the papal conclave.

Ron

I'd like to take a stab at it.

Veronica

There's nothing to take a stab at, Ron. The expert knows and will tell us.

Ron

We don't need an expert. I'm going to knock this one out of the park.

Veronica

You're going to look like an idiot.

Ron

I think you're wrong.

Veronica

Well, you're the expert.

Ron

Thank you.

Veronica

(frustrated)

On being wrong. You're the expert on being wrong! It wasn't a complement!

Ron

We'll see.

Veronica

Fine, tell us.

Ron

The pope understudies-

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Same thing. They all get in a room. There's sixteen of them.

Veronica

Not true.

Ron

These sixteen guys enter a round robin, double elimination tournament of which the winner becomes the pope.

Veronica

(growing amused)

What do they do in this tournament?

Ron

It's a decathlon. A pope-al decathlon.

Veronica

Papal. And what are the ten events?

Ron

Right, ten. There's chess, caber toss-

Veronica

Some of these guys are very old. Hard to throw a caber.

Ron

They don't have to throw it far. They're not Olympians. They're subpopes.

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Let's see. Judo, The Game of Life, chess. How many is that?

Veronica

Five but you said "chess" twice. So four.

Ron

Chili cookoff, hangman, 100-meter hurdles, speed painting.

Veronica

What's speed painting?

Ron

Well, they each paint a room and the one that paints his room the fastest wins.

Veronica

How do they know all the rooms are the same size?

Ron

Well, it's the same room.

Veronica

So they just paint the same room over and over?

Ron

Yes.

Veronica

That makes more sense. What are the last two?

Ron

Tug of war and an essay on why he wants to be pope. I feel like you're mocking me.

Veronica

I am. That list is ridiculous.

Cut to later in the show. Veronica and Ron are sitting in chairs across from Gerard, a papal expert.

Gerard

It is said that Pope Pius X made the best chili in the history of the tournament. Chili's inclusion in the tournament dates back to the early 1900s when it replaced leech tolerance, which was an event to see which cardinal, or subpope, could place the most leeches on his body. They continually update the events to keep up with the times. The Vatican likes to be trendy. 

Ron watches on with a smile of satisfaction as Veronica stares in shock.