Idea #80

Richard Dawson, in a coma as a result of an unfortunate fast money answer coincidence (see Idea #79), rests in the middle of the Family Feud set with hospital monitors beeping around him. A nurse checks his vitals. Ron is nearby talking to the Producer.

Producer

We are going against his doctor's recommendation. Actually we're going against common sense.

Ron

He said he was going to finish this show and we can help him do that. It could be his dying wish. What if he doesn't wake up? You want that on your head?

Producer

Well, no, but what you are suggesting is ridiculous.

Ron

Ridiculous or brilliant?

Producer

You heard what I said.

Ron

Just point the cameras.

(turns to Champ)

Champ? Like we talked about.

Champ walks to the center of the stage by Richard Dawson's bed. Ron walks over to the nurse. 

Ron

These machines are making too much noise. Can you stop the beeping?

Nurse

The only way to stop the beeping is to shut off the machines.

Ron

Ok.

Nurse

The machines are keeping him alive right now.

Ron

Can we shut them off for a little bit?

Nurse

But he won't be breathing.

Ron

Ok, but I can hold my breath for five minutes.

Nurse

No you can't.

Ron

Well, it's close to that. Anyway, we can get through this real fast. Double time.

Nurse

He could end up with brain damage.

Ron

We'll be quick.

Nurse

No!

Ron

Sorry to have to do this.

(beat)

Brick, unplug him.

Cut to Brick pulling the plug. The machines stop functioning. Ron jumps into the bed with Richard Dawson. Champ gets under the bed.

Ron

Roll cameras!

The camera shows Ron and Richard Dawson next to each other.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Welcome back to The Feud!

Ron reaches over and presses on Richard Dawson's chin to open and close the mouth in time with Champ's talking.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Let's see how you did, Ron.

Ron

I'm excited, Dawson.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

First question: Name a char-

Producer

(over house speakers)

I'm shutting this down.

Ron

What?!?

Producer

(over house speakers)

This isn't right.

Ron

The man may be dying! This is all he ever wanted!

Brick (O.S.)

Ron? Uh, Ron?

Ron

Not now, Brick!

Brick

Should I plug him back in?

Nurse

Yes!

Ron

Oh, yeah. Plug him in.

Brick plugs him in and the machines start functioning again. The nurse checks to make sure Richard Dawson is still alive. He is. The nurse breathes out relieved.

Ron

Ok, let's do this again. From the top!

Producer

(over house speakers)

No!

Ron

Fine. Let's take five. Let the man breathe for a bit. Probably too soon to unplug him again.

See you tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion to Family Feud week at I Wanna Write Anchorman 2.