Saturday, August 16, 2008

Idea #80

Richard Dawson, in a coma as a result of an unfortunate fast money answer coincidence (see Idea #79), rests in the middle of the Family Feud set with hospital monitors beeping around him. A nurse checks his vitals. Ron is nearby talking to the Producer.

Producer
We are going against his doctor's recommendation. Actually we're going against common sense.

Ron
He said he was going to finish this show and we can help him do that. It could be his dying wish. What if he doesn't wake up? You want that on your head?

Producer
Well, no, but what you are suggesting is ridiculous.

Ron
Ridiculous or brilliant?

Producer
You heard what I said.

Ron
Just point the cameras.
(turns to Champ)
Champ? Like we talked about.

Champ walks to the center of the stage by Richard Dawson's bed. Ron walks over to the nurse. 

Ron
These machines are making too much noise. Can you stop the beeping?

Nurse
The only way to stop the beeping is to shut off the machines.

Ron
Ok.

Nurse
The machines are keeping him alive right now.

Ron
Can we shut them off for a little bit?

Nurse
But he won't be breathing.

Ron
Ok, but I can hold my breath for five minutes.

Nurse
No you can't.

Ron
Well, it's close to that. Anyway, we can get through this real fast. Double time.

Nurse
He could end up with brain damage.

Ron
We'll be quick.

Nurse
No!

Ron
Sorry to have to do this.
(beat)
Brick, unplug him.

Cut to Brick pulling the plug. The machines stop functioning. Ron jumps into the bed with Richard Dawson. Champ gets under the bed.

Ron
Roll cameras!

The camera shows Ron and Richard Dawson next to each other.

Champ (O.C.)
(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)
Welcome back to The Feud!

Ron reaches over and presses on Richard Dawson's chin to open and close the mouth in time with Champ's talking.

Champ (O.C.)
(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)
Let's see how you did, Ron.

Ron
I'm excited, Dawson.

Champ (O.C.)
(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)
First question: Name a char-

Producer
(over house speakers)
I'm shutting this down.

Ron
What?!?

Producer
(over house speakers)
This isn't right.

Ron
The man may be dying! This is all he ever wanted!

Brick (O.S.)
Ron? Uh, Ron?

Ron
Not now, Brick!

Brick
Should I plug him back in?

Nurse
Yes!

Ron
Oh, yeah. Plug him in.

Brick plugs him in and the machines start functioning again. The nurse checks to make sure Richard Dawson is still alive. He is. The nurse breathes out relieved.

Ron
Ok, let's do this again. From the top!

Producer
(over house speakers)
No!

Ron
Fine. Let's take five. Let the man breathe for a bit. Probably too soon to unplug him again.

See you tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion to Family Feud week at I Wanna Write Anchorman 2.

No comments: