Wednesday, August 6, 2008
After an influx of intra-office fighting, the higher-ups at the news station decide to try out Large Group Awareness Training. All employees of the Channel 4 News Station are required to attend this four day seminar taking place at a secluded Howard Johnson's.
Day One, 9:03 AM
In the conference room at the Howard Johnson's, the employees sit in folding chairs facing the front of the room. At the front of the room, holding a megaphone, is the guru, Harvey Grohl. Standing behind him is another man, Robert. Ron, Champ, and Brian walk in late and hungover. Brick is seated in the front with a pen and paper. The only remaining chairs are in the front next to him.
Guys, please, there are perfectly good seats in the front.
How long is this gonna take? I got a date tonight.
You are going to have to cancel that date. I have you for another 95 hours and change.
Can we at least turn the lights off in here?
No. Let's begin, shall we?
Your boss tells me that you guys have been fighting a lot in the office lately. Well, we're going to put an end to that with my patented strategy. My assistant Robert will help me demonstrate one of the things we are going to learn over the next four days. Robert?
Robert walks forward wearing a white t-shirt. Harvey takes out a marker.
(pointing to Brian)
What is your name?
Brian, what makes you mad at the office?
When Harken makes me report from the field.
Ed Harken stands up.
That's your job! That's the only thing you do!
That's the only thing you let me do.
Ed, this is Brian's turn. You'll get yours. Ok.
Harvey takes the marker and writes on Robert's t-shirt.
(says words as he writes them)
Ok, I call this one Three Kicks and a Hug. Now, I'm Brian. I don't like reporting from the field. In this case, Robert is "reporting from the field."
Harvey kicks Robert in the shin. Robert grabs his shin.
Harvey kicks Robert in the groin. Robert doubles over and grabs his groin while hopping on one leg.
Harvey roundhouse kicks Robert in the head sending him flying to the ground. Harvey pounces on Robert and holds him like he's dying in his arms.
I'm sorry "Reporting From the Field." What have I done?
(crying and shouting)
NOOOOOOO! I'LL NEVER SAY A BAD THING ABOUT YOU AGAIN!
Harvey rolls Robert, who is unconscious, off of him and stands up. He gathers himself.
And that is one of my many techniques.
How do you feel about reporting from the field now?
Oooo, a tough nut to crack. I like a challenge.
Well, let's take a break so I can find another assistant. Let's say thirty minutes. You guys can still catch the breakfast buffet. Anyone here know where the nearest bus stop is or homeless shelter?
No one answers and shuffles out of the room. Harvey drags Robert out through the emergency exit.