Idea #79

Richard Dawson, in a hospital bed due to injuries suffered during regular play (see Idea #78), gets set to push himself through fast money with the winning team, Channel Four News.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back! Channel Four, are you ready to play fast money for five thousand dollars?

Channel Four

Yes!

Richard Dawson

Ok, I need two of you.

Ron and Brick come forward.

Richard Dawson

Not Brick. Use Brian.

Ron

You can't tell us who to-

Richard Dawson

This is my show!

(coughs)

Brian or I bring back Channel Nine and give them the win.

Ron

Brian it is.

Brick turns around and goes back. Brian passes him on the way to center stage.

Richard Dawson

Who's going first?

Ron

I am.

Richard Dawson

Ok, Ron come to my left. Brian go backstage.

Richard Dawson, from his bed, points in some direction off stage. Ron takes a position next to Dawson. Brian leaves.

Richard Dawson

I'm gonna ask-

Producer

(over house speakers)

Richard?

Richard Dawson

What now?

Producer

(over house speakers)

We can't get a shot of your face and Ron's with you in the bed.

Ron

I can get in the bed with him.

Richard Dawson

No way.

Producer

(over house speakers)

It's either that or sit up.

Richard Dawson

Fine.

Ron gets into the bed next to Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Can we continue?

Producer

(over house speaker)

It looks good. Go.

Richard Dawson

I'm gonna ask you five questions in fifteen seconds. Try to give me the most popular answer. If you can't think of something, say "Pass." Now, if you and Brian can rack up two hundred points, you will win five thousand dollars for your charity. Fifteen seconds on the clock.

(groans)

Time will-

Ron

I can have Champ rub your side. Champ?

Richard Dawson

No, let's just finish. Time will start after I read the first question. I'd say "Good Luck" but I hate you all.

(beat)

Name a character from the Wizard of Oz.

Ron

Dorothy.

Richard Dawson

Name the planet's greatest enemy.

Ron

Man.

Richard Dawson

Name something you lose as a child that makes you sad.

Ron

Tooth.

Richard Dawson

Name a method of finishing a lollipop.

Ron

Licks.

Richard Dawson

Name something essential to gym class.

Ron

Balls.

Richard Dawson

Let's see how you did. Do you feel good?

Ron

I feel great, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Jimmy, wheel me around to face the board.

Jimmy turns the bed with Ron and Dawson in it 180 degrees. After a beat, Ron starts laughing.

Ron

(laughing)

Hey Champ, look at the board.

Champ looks and starts laughing and Brick joins in because. Reading the answers down, the board reads "Dorothy Man Tooth Licks Balls." A loud yell can be heard off stage. It gets louder as Wes Mantooth emerges on the set and dives at Ron, knocking over the bed with Richard Dawson in it. Another brawl breaks out with Richard Dawson lying on the ground lifeless. The show cuts to commercial.