Sunday, August 31, 2008

Idea #95

Brian goes to Ron's house. The year is 1983. Brian is holding a pet cage. He rings the doorbell. Nothing happens. He rings it again and looks through a window.

Brian
(shouting)
C'mon, Ron! Open up! You can't stay in there forever!

Ron, with a full beard and looking horrible, opens the door. Brian pushes his way in.

Brian
You lost your job two months ago.

Ron
I'm not in the mood.

Brian
It's not your fault that World News couldn't compete with CNN.

Ron
Yes, it is. I told them we could do what CNN did but in two hours because I didn't want to spend that much time at the station. So, Veronica and I had to talk really fast to get it all in. We lost viewers quicker than "Joanie Loves Chachi." The human brain can't process information that fast.

Brian
I didn't know all of that.

Ron
Yeah.

Brian
Hmmm
(beat)
Well, I got you something that will cheer you up.

Brian goes into the animal cage and pulls out a little puppy. He is a terrier mix just like Baxter. Brian holds the dog in his arms.

Ron
(almost in tears)
That looks like...

Brian
Baxter, I know. I got him for you.

Brian brings the dog to Ron.

Brian
I figured since it's been over a year since you lost him. Now, you can't feed this one whole wheels of cheese.

Ron
I won't. That was really stupid. Once he did it the first time, I was so impressed that I just kept leaving wheels of cheese in the fridge every time I left the house. That dog was not well.

Brian
No, the house kinda still smells like it.

Ron
Actually, that's me. Thanks, Brian. You're a good friend.

Brian
One last thing. I talked to Ed Harken. He wants you back.

Ron
Really?
(beat)
I don't know if I'm ready.

Brian
I think you are. Come down to the station tomorrow.

Ron nods.

Brian
And take a shower first.

Brian walks to the door.

Ron
You got it.

Brian leaves.

Ron
(to dog in his arms)
Hey, I'm going to take a shower and then we are going to get into bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I got some PJs for you. They might be a little big though. They were worn by a really good friend of mine. I don't think he would mind you borrowing them, though.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Idea #94

Ron guest stars on "The Muppet Show." The scene opens with Ron Burgundy in a leather jacket sitting on some bleachers. He is surrounded by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo the Rat.

Gonzo
Hey, I wanna hear about what Ron did at the beach.

All
Yeah!

Ron
It was nothin'.

Fozzie
(sarcastic)
Sure, nothin' Burgundy. Right.

Rizzo
C'mon, Ron.

Gonzo
C'mon. Tell us about the girl.

Cut to a scene at a lunch table with Miss Piggy surrounded by Camilla, Olivia Newton-John, and Janice.

Janice
What did you do this summer, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy
I spent most of it at the beach. I met a human.

Olivia Newton-John
You went all the way to the beach for some human?

Miss Piggy
This human was special.

Olivia Newton-John
There ain't no such thing. I should know.

Miss Piggy
He was really romantic and he had a great mustache.

Cut back to Ron and the guys on the bleachers.

All
C'mon, man. Tell us.

Ron
Oh, boys, the snout on this girl. But you don't want to hear about that.

Fozzie
Are you kidding me?

Ron
Alright, I'll tell you.

They break into a rousing rendition of "Summer Love" replacing every "girl" with "pig" and every "boy" with "human." We pick up with the last verse. Ron and Miss Piggy have their backs to each other but are unaware of each other's presence. It's more for stage effect.

Miss Piggy
(singing)
It turned colder, that's where it ends

Ron
(singing)
So, I told her, we'd still be friends

Miss Piggy
(singing)
Then we made, our true love vow

Ron
(singing)
She was a pig, the size of a cow

Both
(singing)
Summer breeze between two species but, oh, those summer nights

All
Tell me more, tell me more

Ron and Miss Piggy look sad as the girls and guys look on. The screen fades to black.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Idea #93

Champ and Brian set up a fake beauty pageant at the news station after hours to get more attractive girls to pay attention to them. Brick agrees to be a judge with them and Ron will be Master of Ceremonies. Participants in the beauty pageant are "one of each" according to Champ: Mabel (brunette), Jackie (red), Holly (blonde), and Lupe (not white). Ron comes out in a nice tuxedo holding a microphone that is not plugged into anything.

Ron
Welcome to the Miss Lower San Diego Pageant. In our...uh...fifteenth year of operation. Let's have the ladies come out and walk around.

Mabel, Jackie, Holly, and Lupe walk around in dresses and heels.

Ron
Thank you ladies.
(beat)
While they are getting dressed, let's meet the judges.

Ron walks over to the judges at their pushed together desks.

Ron
Champ Kind who is currently single.

Champ
I am.

Brian
The very handsome Brian Fantana.

Brian
(embarrassed)
Oh, you.

Brick
And Brick Tamland...the...uh...weatherman.

Brick
(embarrassed)
Oh, you.

Ron
Ok, enough chit chat, let's get on with the show. Our first event is the Evening Gown comp-

Champ
Bathing suit!

Ron
Excuse me.

Champ
Let's start with bathing suits.

Ron
Splendid idea. Ladies? Bathing suits.

Champ
Two piece!

Ron
Two piece bathing suits. Let's go go go.

The women go back inside to change with confused looks on their faces.

Brian
That was great, Champ. Who cares about dresses?

Champ
I know. It just hit me. I was thinking, "I want to see more skin." And it popped into my head: swimsuits.

Brian
Amazing.

Ron walks over to the dressing room (Ron's office). He cracks the door, then knocks.

Ron
Are you girls almost ready?
(staring)
Nice, Holly.

Ron closes the door.

Ron
They're ready.
(beat)
Come on out, ladies! First is Mabel. She is a woman. She likes to swim, apparently. Next, we have Jackie with boobies. Then, Holly who is even better topless and finally, Lupe who is foreign.

The girls walk out in their bikinis.

Ron
And the judges will tally scores while you get ready for the talent-

Champ
No talent. I want to see Holly in Jackie's bikini, Lupe in Holly's, Jackie, in Mabel's, and Mabel in Lupe's.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ
Now, I want to see Jackie in Lupe's, Holly in Mabel's, Mabel in Jackie's, and Lupe in Holly's.

Lupe
But I'm in Holly's.

Champ
And you look fantastic.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ
Now, I want Jackie in nothing, Holly in peanut butter and jelly, Mabel in my lap, and Lupe in Holly's. You really look great in it.

Mabel
Is this a real pageant?

Ron
Twenty years running.

Holly
You said fifteen before.

Ron
Did I? Well, this pageant, in particular, is fifteen years but we've been running pageants for twenty.

Mabel
I don't think there is a Miss Lower San Diego Pageant.

Brian
What? Do you think this is some not-so-elaborate ruse to get hot, sexy women to spend an evening with us?

Mabel
Yes.

Brian
Then you as observant as you are attractive. Let's cut the bull and party. How does that sound?

The girls look at each other and shrug.

Holly
We got nothing else to do.

Champ
Sounds like a yes to me. Dibs on Lupe.

Lupe
Can I change?

Champ
Sorry, no.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Idea #92

Ron arrives on the set of "Mork and Mindy." He does not know what to expect. Pam Dawber is the first person he runs into.

Pam Dawber
Ron Burgundy? I'm Pam Dawber. I play Mindy.

Ron
(grabs her hand and kisses it)
Enchanted.

Pam Dawber
I saw you on "The Love Boat." You're very good.

Ron
How nice of you to say. I'd like to hear more about how good I am. How about after the shoot-

Robin Williams comes running up.

Robin Williams
Hey, you must be Ron Burgundy. Although you seem more of a Ron Peach or a Ron Tan. It's going to be a lot of fun on the set today. We tend to get a little crazy. What am I saying, a lot of crazy.
(makes some crazy noises and hand gestures)
Boop. Bop. Wang.

Ron
(extends hand)
Nice to meet you.

Robin Williams
(shakes hand)
I'm Robin Williams but you can call me
(acts demure and talks in high-pitched voice)
Mrs. Funnybritches. I do so love that you're on the show.
(clears throat)
I hate when she comes out.
(smacks own face)
Bad Mrs. Funnybritches!
(high-pitched voice)
Oooo!
(regular voice)
Bad!
(smacks own face)
That should take care of her. So, you're a news man.
(puts finger to ear)
This just in: Mork and Mindy is very excited to have Ron Burgundy on the set. Coming up after the break: hula hoops: fun toy or dangerous geometry?

Ron stares on in shock as Robin Williams pretends to hula hoop while getting hurt.

Robin Williams
Help! Stop this thing! It's hurting me! I can't stop swiveling my hips! I must look like Elvis.
(Elvis voice)
Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one goes out to Ron Burgundy.
(to Heartbreak Hotel)
When Ron Burgundy showed up
He stood open-mouthed and stared
At Robin Williams hula hooping
Around like Elvis, baby
Ron Burgundy's frightened, baby
Ron Burgundy's frightened
Ron Burgundy's frightened and wants to go home.

Robin Williams goes into a knee slide with arms extended out. He's fake heavy-breathing like at the end of a Broadway number. Pam Dawber and all the crew erupt in applause. Robin Williams stands up and waves around appreciative.

Robin Williams
Thank you. You're too kind. Now, you're not kind enough. Ok, too kind again.
(walks up to Ron)
Well, Ron, how did you like your Welcome Wagon. Although it wasn't much of a wagon. It was more of a Welcome-

Ron
Village Idiot?

Robin Williams
(turns to him seriously)
What did you call me?

Ron
A Welcome Village Idiot. It's funny.

Pam Dawber waves her arms in the background trying to stop Ron. Robin Williams' eyes turn all white. His already hairy arms become more so. He lets out a scream that turns into a howl. Before Ron's eyes, Robin Williams begins to change. He rises three feet in height. His clothes rip from his body as he gains muscle mass. His hands turn into massive claws with razor-sharp nails. His mouth and nose extend out from his face into a snout. Werewolf Robin Williams snarls menacingly over Ron. Drool drips down and splashes the floor by Ron's shoes.

Werewolf Robin Williams
(deep voice)
That was a big mistake.

As Werewolf Robin Williams crouches down to launch himself at Ron, two men with stun guns zap Werewolf Robin Willaims. He convulses and falls to the ground. One of the men puts his stun gun away and pulls out a syringe. They inject it into Werewolf Robin Williams' arm. He slowly turns back into a sweaty, naked, less hairy, regular Robin Williams.

Cut to Ron Burgundy at the age of 70 on his porch. A young boy sits across from him. They are drinking lemonade. 

Ron
That was the most scared I've ever been.

Young Boy
Wow, Grandpa, no wonder why Robin Williams still gets work.

Ron
It's hard to say no to a werewolf. It's best to just smile, laugh, and wait for it to be over.
(beat)
Shall we go see how your grandma's doing with those brownies?

Young Boy
Oh boy!

Grandpa Ron and the young boy go inside the house.

Ron (O.S.)
Pam, how are those brownies coming?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Idea #91

Fresh off his critically-acclaimed turn on "The Love Boat" (see Idea #s 87, 88, and 89), Ron gets offers from many hit television shows. Ron sits in his office with Champ, Brian, and Brick.

Ron
So, I'm supposed to play Ponch's brother though I think I look more like the other guy and then I'm going to be on this show, "Mork and Mindy" with some comedian named Robin Williams.

Champ
Do you think-

Ron
I'm not done talking.

Champ
Sorry.

Ron
And then I'm doing "The Muppet Show" where I sing a song with Miss Piggy.
(beat)
Now, you may speak Champ.

Champ
Do you think you can get me a part on any of these shows?

Ron
I'd love to but, seriously, you are not an attractive man.

Champ
(accepting)
That's true.

Ron
They only put amazingly handsome gentlemen like myself. If anyone here could get a part, it would be Brian but that would be stretching it as he's only eighty percent amazingly handsome.

Brian
(upbeat)
Thanks, Ron.

Ron
Don't mention it.

Brick
My mom says I'm handsome.

Ron
Amazingly handsome?

Brick
(dejected)
No, just regular handsome.

Ron
Look, guys, if I get my own show, I promise to have each of you on it in small parts or cast really great looking people in the parts you were supposed to get but have your names in the credits instead of theirs.

Brian
That doesn't sound like a good deal.

Ron
It's a limited time offer.

Brian
How could it-

Champ
(leans in to Brian)
I think we should take it.

Brick
(leans in to Brian and Champ)
Me too.

Brian
Fine, we'll take it.

Ron
Great. Now, leave my office. I need to get some sleep.

Champ, Brian, and Brick stand up to exit.

Brian
The news starts in twenty minutes.

Ron
Then wake me in fifteen. How hard is this? That's it. Brick's part played by someone else is going to be bigger than yours.

Brian
But-

Ron
Champ's too.

Brian
Crap.

Ron
And when you wake me, I like three taps on the shoulder. I can't stand shaking. That is all.

Champ, Brian, and Brick leave Ron's office. Ron takes out two cucumber slices and puts them on his eyes and then leans back in his chair.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Idea #90

After having a great kissing scene with Ann-Margret on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #89), Ron finds himself making out with her in her dressing room.

Ann-Margret
(heavily breathing, in between kisses)
This is wrong. I have a husband.

Ron
I warned you about my lips.

Ann-Margret
I should have believed you. Carry me to the bed.

Ron lifts her up and lays her down on the bed. He rips open her blouse exposing her bra.

Ann-Margret
Nobody can know about this.

Ron
I will tell no one.

Cut to next day at the office. Ron is sitting in his office with Brian, Champ, and Brick.

Ron
I totally bagged Ann-Margret.

Champ
How was she?

Ron
A tigress. She said I was better than Elvis.

Brian
Does that complete the set?

Brick
What set?

Ron
Yes it does.

Ron stands up and walks over to a portrait of himself hanging on the wall. He swivels it out from the wall to reveal a safe. Meticulously, he enters the combination and the safe door opens. He pulls out a scroll. He lets the end fall and it unrolls across the office carpet.

Ron
You see Brick, growing up, Elvis was the biggest sex symbol there ever was. I knew that if I wanted to be the greatest sexual specimen in the universe, I was going to have to be better than Elvis. I compiled a list of every woman Elvis has ever been with: Cybill Shepherd, Peggy Lipton, Cher, and so on.

Champ
You slept with Cher?

Ron
I did and everyone else on this list except Ann-Margret.
(beat)
Until now.

Champ
What's that other pile of papers in the safe?

Ron
These are all written letters attesting to the fact that I am a better lover than Elvis. And now I can add Ann-Margret to the list.

Ron removes a letter from his pocket. He unfolds it and puts it on top of the pile in the safe.

Ron
Now I am the greatest lover of all time!

Ron raises his fist and stands triumphant for a moment. Then, he puts his fist down.

Ron
That took longer than I expected. Elvis was a real man whore.

Brick
What are you going to do next?

Ron
I don't know. I got this five hundred piece puzzle of a country chateau. Maybe I'll tackle that next.

Brian
I'm hungry. You wanna get lunch?

Ron
Yeah, I could really go for Italian.

Ron leaves everything where it was (scroll on floor, safe open) as he and the guys walk out of the office.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Idea #89

Ron is on the set of "The Love Boat." He and the director had some problems in an earlier scene (see Idea #88) but Ron has kept to the script lately knowing it would get him to this scene. The current scene is the kiss between Ron and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret
Now, Ron, I'm sure you'll be a gentleman despite your attraction to me.

Ron
Ann-Margret, I'm shocked! I just hope you can resist these lips. For decades, women have been getting lost in them.

Ann-Margret
So, if anything happens, it's my fault.

Ron
Entirely.

Jim Hubert
Ok, everyone. Scene forty-four. Let's get Ron ready.

Two guys with buckets come up to Ron. They soak him in water. The hair and makeup girl comes over and combs his hair nicely. 

Jim Hubert
Positions.

Ron is held to look like he's hanging from the boat by two men dressed like deck hands. Bernie Kopell is standing behind the two deck hands. Ann-Margret stands next to Gavin MacLeod.

Jim Hubert
Action!

The two deck hands drag Ron onto the boat. Bernie Kopell tends to him.

Gavin MacLeod
(as Captain Stubing)
What happened?

Ann-Margret
(as Bianca Sheppard)
I was walking along the deck and he yelled out, "I'll get it!" as he dove past me off the boat.

Gavin MacLeod
(as Captain Stubing)
Do you know him?

Ann-Margret
(as Bianca Sheppard)
We met on the ship and he's been...trying to get my attention. I hope he's ok.

Ron coughs out some water.

Bernie Kopell
(as Doc)
He's going to be fine. A little water down the wrong pipe.

Ron groans. His right hand is closed tightly in a fist. He sits up.

Bernie Kopell
(as Doc)
Take it easy, Mr. Barnes.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
You dropped this.

Ron opens his fist to show a diamond earring. Ann-Margret looks at it and checks her ear in shock.

Ann-Margret
(as Bianca Sheppard)
My earring!

Ann-Margret squats down to take it from him but remains at Ron's level with a look of wonder on her face.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
I saw you walking on the deck and I saw this sparkle fall from your ear and bounce off the boat. I remember how you told me they were your grandmother's earrings and how much they meant to you. I knew you would be upset if you lost it. Before I could talk myself out of it, I jumped.

Ann-Margret leans in and kisses Ron. She lingers a bit and parts from him.

Ann-Margret
(as Bianca Sheppard)
You're wonderful.

They kiss again.

Bernie Kopell
(as Doc)
Well, I guess he's fine.

Everyone else walks away as the Ron and Ann-Margret kiss.

Jim Hubert
Cut. That was great everyone. Shall we do another take?

Ron
Yes! I mean for safety's sake if that's ok with Ann.

Ann-Margret
Another take would be nice.

Ann-Margret smiles at Ron.

Ron
(hastily)
Where are those buckets! Places people!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Idea #88

Ron arrives on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #87). He meets with Jim Hubert, the director of this episode.

Jim Hubert
Ron, nice to meet you.

Ron
A pleasure. I'm a big fan of the show.

Jim Hubert
I like to move quickly through scenes. Do you know your lines?

Ron
I like to improvise in the manner of Chevy Chase or Billiam Murray. I know what the scenes call for.

Jim Hubert
We don't improvise here. While you're in makeup, go over them some more. I want you to know them backwards and forwards.

Ron
Absolutely.

Cut to the bar set. Cameras are aimed at the desired locations. Ron is sitting at the bar. Ted Lange is behind the bar as Isaac. Ann-Margret is at the end of the bar and no one is located between them.

Jim Hubert
Places and...action!

Ron and Ann-Margret exchange glances. There may be interest.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Isaac?

Ted Lange comes over.

Ted Lange
(as Isaac)
Mr. Barnes, what can I do for you? Another scotch?

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Yeah, two more. Let me ask you. Who is that fine piece of tail at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert
Cut!
(to Ron)
Ron, please stick to the script.

Ron
(lifts glass)
Quick question. Can we have some real scotch in here instead of this apple juice?

Jim Hubert
No. Let's get ready for take 2. If you need a line, Ron, ask for it.

Ron
Got it.

Jim Hubert
Quiet on the set and...action!

Ted Lange
(as Isaac)
Another scotch?

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Sure. Isaac, who is that sweet piece of sugar?

Jim Hubert
Cut!

Flash forward. Take eight.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Isaac, who is that at the end of the bar and tell me she's not a hooker?

Jim Hubert screams in anger.

Flash forward. Take fifteen.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Isaac, is that a General at the end of the bar because my little soldier's saluting?

Jim Hubert kicks over his director's chair.

Flash forward. Take thirty-two.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Isaac, is that Ann-Margret's sexy twin?

Ron winks at Ann-Margret. She smiles. Jim Hubert punches the cameraman. 

Flash forward. Take forty-one.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Isaac, I'm going to lick that girl's toes. What's her story?

Jim Hubert tries to attack Ron but assistants hold him back.

Flash forward. Take forty-five.

Ron
(as Laszlo Barnes)
Isaac, who's the little lady at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert
Cut! That was the right line.

Cameraman
(with black eye)
We ran out of film halfway through.

Jim Hubert
Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ron walks up to Ann-Margret.

Ron
I know I was just playing a character but I meant everything I said.

Ann-Margret
That's very sweet of you but I'm married.

Ron
Really?

Ann-Margret
Yes, for ten years now.

Ron
Wow. Is there any chance you'd like to break your vows for this?

Ron indicates himself.

Ann-Margret
If I was a woman of lesser morals, absolutely.

Ron
You're too kind.

Jim Hubert
Ok, we have film. Ron, can you do it the same way as take forty-five?

Ron
I can do it better.

Jim Hubert
I'm looking for the same.

Ron
Suit yourself.

Come back tomorrow for the kissing scene.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Idea #87

Ron walks into the news station wearing a ship captain's hat. Brian and Brick walk up to him.

Brian
What's with the hat, Ron?

Ron
It's Captain Burgundy.

Brian
Is this because of the Love Boat?

Ron
Best show on television.

Brick
Best show on television.

Ron
Do you watch it, Brick?

Brick
No.

Ron
They have the best people on that show. The guest stars alone. I would kill to be on it.

Brian
My cousin Ed is a producer on it. Maybe he can get you a part.

Ron
Call him right now!

Brian
It's kinda early!

Ron
Call him or I'll tell everyone about that thing you don't want everyone to know!

Brian
What thing? Are you just making it up?

Ron
Can you take that chance?

Brian
I guess not.

Cut to later in Ron's office. Ron extends an old ship telescope and looks through it. The angle is a distorted closeup of things in his office. The shot continues to the doorway and we see a fun house version of Brian's face.

Brian
Ron?

Cut to regular view of office. Ron collapses the telescope and puts it away.

Ron
Hey, Brian.

Brian
You have a part.

Ron
Super! What is it?

Brian
You get to board the ship and shake the captain's hand.

Ron
An extra? I want a love story! I want to fall in love on the Love Boat!

Brian
Those go to real stars.

Ron
I'm a real star! Call him back!

Brian
It goes to real actors. I don't think he can get-

Ron
Real actors? Charo was on it. I can act Charo into a paper bag or whatever the saying is. Make it happen!

Brian
But Ron-

Ron
Big secret. Whole office.

Brian
Fine.

Cut to later. Brian walks into Ron's office.

Ron
Gopher!

Brian
Huh?

Ron
He's a character on the show that gets things done. It's a complement. You'd be laughing right now if you watched the show.

Brian
Whatever. You're getting a love story.

Ron
Really? That's fantastic! Bravo, Brian!
(pumps fist)
Hooray!

Brian
I'll get you the information on when you have to report to the set.

Ron
Do you know who my love interest is going to be?

Brian
Ann-Margret.

Ron
Viva Las Vegas' Rusty Martin? Bye Bye Birdie's Kim McAfee? The Flintstone's Ann-Margrock? Wow! Maybe after the Love Boat, we can have a Love Car Ride to my Love Home and get in my Love Bed and do the Love Sex.

Brian
Maybe.
(beat)
Was there even a secret?

Ron
What?
(beat)
No, there wasn't.

Brian
I knew it!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of Ron Burgundy's episode of the Love Boat.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Idea #86

Ron walks into the men's room at the news station. Brian is shaving at the sink. Ron heads to the sink and puts some water on his face. They are both hung over.

Brian
That was a crazy party last night.

Ron
I had a dream I was making out with a muppet and I woke up to find I was licking the back of some girl's head. 

Brian
I actually fell asleep on a girl's boob. Not as comfortable as you would think. Left a mark too.

Brian turns to Ron and points at his forehead. Brian has an impression shaped like a nipple.

Ron
Yikes.

Brian
Yeah.

Brian shaves the last spot on his face and then throws the razor in the garbage. Ron sees this and looks shocked.

Ron
What are you doing?

Brian
What?

Ron
Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian
It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron
Disposable razors?

Brian
Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're really cheap and also, there's some other shit.

Director (O.C.)
Cut! What was that?

The Director walks up to Ron and Brian.

Director
I need you guys to stick to the script. I don't know why the Bic company wants you two to do this but they do.

Ron
It's because we're real men. Good looking men.

Director
Just stick to the-

Ron
Men that built the Hoover Dam and make diamonds with their bare hands.

Director
Is he done?

Ron
Men that eat live animals and screw nameless women. Now I'm done.

Director
Ok-

Ron
Wait! Men that - Nope, I was done.

Director
Fantastic. Once again from "Why'd you throw out your razor?" Positions.

Ron and Brian go back the sinks.

Director (O.C.)
Action.

Ron
Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian
It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron
Disposable razors?

Brian
Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're cheap and I don't have to carry around that heavy, bulky old razor.

Ron
I, Ron Burgundy, would also like to use one.

Brian
They're available at most drug stores and retail establishments.

Ron
Hey, I live by a retail establishment.

Brian
They should have one.

Both
Disposable razors by Bic. Go shave yourself!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Idea #85

Veronica reports that Barney Clark receives the first artificial heart transplant.

Ron
Didn't you beat him to it? I thought your heart was artificial or is that missing?

Veronica
Really? We've been divorced for two years. You're still going to do this on live TV like all the other fights?

Ron
That hurt doesn't go away.

Veronica
You cheated on me!

Ron
But she was eighteen which is so young, it shouldn't count and it was in the first three months of marriage which is universally known as the "open period."

Veronica
So, I could have been with another man in the first three months and you would have been ok with it?

Ron
(hesitates)
Sure.

Veronica
That's a relief. I've been feeling guilty.

Ron
(confused)
Why would you be feeling-
(realizing)
You didn't!

Veronica
I did!

Ron
Sweet Moses Malone! You two-timing whore!

Veronica
Wow, I feel much better now. I've been holding that in too long.

Ron
Who was it?

Veronica
I doesn't matter.

Ron
Then I know him.

Veronica
You do. He was a gentle lover and he made me feel special.

Ron
Who was it?

Veronica
Garth.

Ron
Garth? Like Weird Beard Garth?
(laughs)
That doesn't count.

Veronica
You know, you should ask him for some advice. You could learn a lot from him.

Ron
Are you saying he's better in bed than me?

Veronica
Yes. Coming up, what other fruit can keep the doctor away? You'll need to know with the upcoming apple shortage. Right after this.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Idea #84

Veronica reports that Margaret Thatcher will become the first woman Prime Minister of England.

Ron
You must be happy.

Veronica
Why would I be happy? I don't live in England.

Ron
Just another thing women get to do. The glass ceiling's there for a reason, you know.

Veronica
You are unbelievable.

Ron
I'm unbelievable?!? What's next, women voting?

Veronica
Women do vote, Ron.

Ron
When did this happen?

Veronica
About sixty years ago.

Ron
That's ridiculous. No wonder Kennedy won. A bunch of women voting with their nether regions.

Veronica
Ron, we're on the air.

Ron
So what? A man can't voice his opinion about a woman leading the country? At least we don't have that problem here. A woman will never be President of the United States. Vice President, maybe. But never President. I promise you that.

Veronica
How do you promise that?

Ron
I know people.

Veronica
Champ? Your going to have Champ assassinate any potential female Presidents?

Ron
(bottling up)
No. Who's Champ? This discussion is over.
(lifts up copy, clears throat)
Tonight on television, Boss Hogg will once again try to take down the Duke boys. I think he's going to do it. He was real close last week.
(to Veronica)
Did you see it Veronica?

Veronica glares at him.

Ron
That Daisy Duke. She could be President. President of the Ron-ited States.

Ron chuckles and Veronica shakes her head.


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Idea #83

Ron and Veronica are reporting the news from the news desk.

Veronica
With the passing of Pope Paul VI, the Vatican has begun the process of electing a new pope. Coming up later, we will have an expert in the studio to explain the process and other things that happen in the papal conclave.

Ron
I'd like to take a stab at it.

Veronica
There's nothing to take a stab at, Ron. The expert knows and will tell us.

Ron
We don't need an expert. I'm going to knock this one out of the park.

Veronica
You're going to look like an idiot.

Ron
I think you're wrong.

Veronica
Well, you're the expert.

Ron
Thank you.

Veronica
(frustrated)
On being wrong. You're the expert on being wrong! It wasn't a complement!

Ron
We'll see.

Veronica
Fine, tell us.

Ron
The pope understudies-

Veronica
Cardinals.

Ron
Same thing. They all get in a room. There's sixteen of them.

Veronica
Not true.

Ron
These sixteen guys enter a round robin, double elimination tournament of which the winner becomes the pope.

Veronica
(growing amused)
What do they do in this tournament?

Ron
It's a decathlon. A pope-al decathlon.

Veronica
Papal. And what are the ten events?

Ron
Right, ten. There's chess, caber toss-

Veronica
Some of these guys are very old. Hard to throw a caber.

Ron
They don't have to throw it far. They're not Olympians. They're subpopes.

Veronica
Cardinals.

Ron
Let's see. Judo, The Game of Life, chess. How many is that?

Veronica
Five but you said "chess" twice. So four.

Ron
Chili cookoff, hangman, 100-meter hurdles, speed painting.

Veronica
What's speed painting?

Ron
Well, they each paint a room and the one that paints his room the fastest wins.

Veronica
How do they know all the rooms are the same size?

Ron
Well, it's the same room.

Veronica
So they just paint the same room over and over?

Ron
Yes.

Veronica
That makes more sense. What are the last two?

Ron
Tug of war and an essay on why he wants to be pope. I feel like you're mocking me.

Veronica
I am. That list is ridiculous.

Cut to later in the show. Veronica and Ron are sitting in chairs across from Gerard, a papal expert.

Gerard
It is said that Pope Pius X made the best chili in the history of the tournament. Chili's inclusion in the tournament dates back to the early 1900s when it replaced leech tolerance, which was an event to see which cardinal, or subpope, could place the most leeches on his body. They continually update the events to keep up with the times. The Vatican likes to be trendy. 

Ron watches on with a smile of satisfaction as Veronica stares in shock.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Idea #82

Ron and Veronica are at the news desk anchoring.

Veronica
When we come back, the U.S. and Iran sign a ten billion dollar arms deal.

Ron
Wow! Ten million?

Veronica
No, Ron. Billion.

Ron
That's a lot of money. How much money do you think we could get for my arms?

Veronica
We're on the news.

Ron
I work out for real now. Not like the time you came to my office and I-

Veronica
Ron!

Ron
I'm just looking for a number.
(flexes left arm in his suit)
What do you think, San Diego? How much would you sign these babies for?

Veronica
This is so unprofessional.

Ron
If you act now, I'll throw in the second arm at no additional cost.
(flexes right arm)
That's an unbelievable value.

Veronica
Are we at commercial yet?

The cameraman shakes his head.

Ron
Come on, San Diego.

A phone rings by Brian. He looks confused and picks it up.

Brian
Hello?
(beat)
Forty dollars?

Veronica
San Diego, I implore you to rise above this charade.

"What's New, Pussycat?" pumps over the studio speakers. Ron dances around to Tom Jones.

Ron
Forty dollars? I'm insulted, though appreciative. Did I mention all proceeds go to orphans?

Veronica
What orphans?

Ron
(indignant but dancing and flexing)
You don't think there are still orphans in this world. Drinking gruel when they don't want to.

Veronica
That's Oliver Twist and you eat gruel.

Ron
I don't eat gruel and neither should orphans.

Brian picks up another ringing phone.

Brian
Hello?
(beat)
A hundred dollars!

Ron
(singing)
Whoooa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh!

Veronica
(to producer booth)
Go to commercial right now!

Ron
Stop hating orphans, Corningstone!

Veronica groans in anger and walks off the set as Ron dances around and Brian answers the phone once more.

Brian
How much for Ron's arms?
(beat)
I can't hear you.
(beat)
A thousand dollars!?!

Ron
Let me talk to them.
(takes phone)
A thousand dollars!?! Thank you so much. May I ask who this is?
(beat)
Wait! I know this voice!
(looks around)
Where's Champ?

Champ comes running in out of breath.

Ron
Was that you on the phone?

Champ
No. I mean, what phone? What? I don't even have a thousand dollars.

Ron
That's it. Shut it down. Go to commercial.

The music stops and Ron sits back down professionally at the news desk and stares disapprovingly at Champ.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Idea #81

Richard Dawson, technically dead for a little more than a minute (see Idea #80), remains in the center of the stage with machines keeping him alive. Ron and the Producer are in a heated argument.

Ron
We are finishing this show!

Producer
Richard was dead for two minutes!

Ron
"WAS" dead. He's fine now.

Producer
This discussion is over. The ambulance is coming to take Richard to the hospital.

Ron
How are we going to get that prize money? We beat Mantooth and you know it. Just because Dawson can't bleed on the outside like a normal person doesn't mean-

Producer
You can just have the money for your charity.

Ron
Oh.
(confused)
Really?

Producer
Yes.

Ron
Well, that's good.
(to news team)
Guys, we won!
(to producer)
Can we get a picture to remember this by?

Producer
Fine.

Cut to a snap shot of Ron, Champ, Brick, and the Nurse standing beside Richard Dawson's comatose body showing exuberance about winning Family Feud.

Cut to much later. Brian opens the door of the sound proof booth.

Brian
Guys? Hello? Anyone? Can I come out now?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Idea #80

Richard Dawson, in a coma as a result of an unfortunate fast money answer coincidence (see Idea #79), rests in the middle of the Family Feud set with hospital monitors beeping around him. A nurse checks his vitals. Ron is nearby talking to the Producer.

Producer
We are going against his doctor's recommendation. Actually we're going against common sense.

Ron
He said he was going to finish this show and we can help him do that. It could be his dying wish. What if he doesn't wake up? You want that on your head?

Producer
Well, no, but what you are suggesting is ridiculous.

Ron
Ridiculous or brilliant?

Producer
You heard what I said.

Ron
Just point the cameras.
(turns to Champ)
Champ? Like we talked about.

Champ walks to the center of the stage by Richard Dawson's bed. Ron walks over to the nurse. 

Ron
These machines are making too much noise. Can you stop the beeping?

Nurse
The only way to stop the beeping is to shut off the machines.

Ron
Ok.

Nurse
The machines are keeping him alive right now.

Ron
Can we shut them off for a little bit?

Nurse
But he won't be breathing.

Ron
Ok, but I can hold my breath for five minutes.

Nurse
No you can't.

Ron
Well, it's close to that. Anyway, we can get through this real fast. Double time.

Nurse
He could end up with brain damage.

Ron
We'll be quick.

Nurse
No!

Ron
Sorry to have to do this.
(beat)
Brick, unplug him.

Cut to Brick pulling the plug. The machines stop functioning. Ron jumps into the bed with Richard Dawson. Champ gets under the bed.

Ron
Roll cameras!

The camera shows Ron and Richard Dawson next to each other.

Champ (O.C.)
(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)
Welcome back to The Feud!

Ron reaches over and presses on Richard Dawson's chin to open and close the mouth in time with Champ's talking.

Champ (O.C.)
(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)
Let's see how you did, Ron.

Ron
I'm excited, Dawson.

Champ (O.C.)
(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)
First question: Name a char-

Producer
(over house speakers)
I'm shutting this down.

Ron
What?!?

Producer
(over house speakers)
This isn't right.

Ron
The man may be dying! This is all he ever wanted!

Brick (O.S.)
Ron? Uh, Ron?

Ron
Not now, Brick!

Brick
Should I plug him back in?

Nurse
Yes!

Ron
Oh, yeah. Plug him in.

Brick plugs him in and the machines start functioning again. The nurse checks to make sure Richard Dawson is still alive. He is. The nurse breathes out relieved.

Ron
Ok, let's do this again. From the top!

Producer
(over house speakers)
No!

Ron
Fine. Let's take five. Let the man breathe for a bit. Probably too soon to unplug him again.

See you tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion to Family Feud week at I Wanna Write Anchorman 2.