Idea #87

Ron walks into the news station wearing a ship captain's hat. Brian and Brick walk up to him.

Brian

What's with the hat, Ron?

Ron

It's Captain Burgundy.

Brian

Is this because of the Love Boat?

Ron

Best show on television.

Brick

Best show on television.

Ron

Do you watch it, Brick?

Brick

No.

Ron

They have the best people on that show. The guest stars alone. I would kill to be on it.

Brian

My cousin Ed is a producer on it. Maybe he can get you a part.

Ron

Call him right now!

Brian

It's kinda early!

Ron

Call him or I'll tell everyone about that thing you don't want everyone to know!

Brian

What thing? Are you just making it up?

Ron

Can you take that chance?

Brian

I guess not.

Cut to later in Ron's office. Ron extends an old ship telescope and looks through it. The angle is a distorted closeup of things in his office. The shot continues to the doorway and we see a fun house version of Brian's face.

Brian

Ron?

Cut to regular view of office. Ron collapses the telescope and puts it away.

Ron

Hey, Brian.

Brian

You have a part.

Ron

Super! What is it?

Brian

You get to board the ship and shake the captain's hand.

Ron

An extra? I want a love story! I want to fall in love on the Love Boat!

Brian

Those go to real stars.

Ron

I'm a real star! Call him back!

Brian

It goes to real actors. I don't think he can get-

Ron

Real actors? Charo was on it. I can act Charo into a paper bag or whatever the saying is. Make it happen!

Brian

But Ron-

Ron

Big secret. Whole office.

Brian

Fine.

Cut to later. Brian walks into Ron's office.

Ron

Gopher!

Brian

Huh?

Ron

He's a character on the show that gets things done. It's a complement. You'd be laughing right now if you watched the show.

Brian

Whatever. You're getting a love story.

Ron

Really? That's fantastic! Bravo, Brian!

(pumps fist)

Hooray!

Brian

I'll get you the information on when you have to report to the set.

Ron

Do you know who my love interest is going to be?

Brian

Ann-Margret.

Ron

Viva Las Vegas' Rusty Martin? Bye Bye Birdie's Kim McAfee? The Flintstone's Ann-Margrock? Wow! Maybe after the Love Boat, we can have a Love Car Ride to my Love Home and get in my Love Bed and do the Love Sex.

Brian

Maybe.

(beat)

Was there even a secret?

Ron

What?

(beat)

No, there wasn't.

Brian

I knew it!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of Ron Burgundy's episode of the Love Boat.