Idea #95

Brian goes to Ron's house. The year is 1983. Brian is holding a pet cage. He rings the doorbell. Nothing happens. He rings it again and looks through a window.

Brian

(shouting)

C'mon, Ron! Open up! You can't stay in there forever!

Ron, with a full beard and looking horrible, opens the door. Brian pushes his way in.

Brian

You lost your job two months ago.

Ron

I'm not in the mood.

Brian

It's not your fault that World News couldn't compete with CNN.

Ron

Yes, it is. I told them we could do what CNN did but in two hours because I didn't want to spend that much time at the station. So, Veronica and I had to talk really fast to get it all in. We lost viewers quicker than "Joanie Loves Chachi." The human brain can't process information that fast.

Brian

I didn't know all of that.

Ron

Yeah.

Brian

Hmmm

(beat)

Well, I got you something that will cheer you up.

Brian goes into the animal cage and pulls out a little puppy. He is a terrier mix just like Baxter. Brian holds the dog in his arms.

Ron

(almost in tears)

That looks like...

Brian

Baxter, I know. I got him for you.

Brian brings the dog to Ron.

Brian

I figured since it's been over a year since you lost him. Now, you can't feed this one whole wheels of cheese.

Ron

I won't. That was really stupid. Once he did it the first time, I was so impressed that I just kept leaving wheels of cheese in the fridge every time I left the house. That dog was not well.

Brian

No, the house kinda still smells like it.

Ron

Actually, that's me. Thanks, Brian. You're a good friend.

Brian

One last thing. I talked to Ed Harken. He wants you back.

Ron

Really?

(beat)

I don't know if I'm ready.

Brian

I think you are. Come down to the station tomorrow.

Ron nods.

Brian

And take a shower first.

Brian walks to the door.

Ron

You got it.

Brian leaves.

Ron

(to dog in his arms)

Hey, I'm going to take a shower and then we are going to get into bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I got some PJs for you. They might be a little big though. They were worn by a really good friend of mine. I don't think he would mind you borrowing them, though.

Idea #94

Ron guest stars on "The Muppet Show." The scene opens with Ron Burgundy in a leather jacket sitting on some bleachers. He is surrounded by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo the Rat.

Gonzo

Hey, I wanna hear about what Ron did at the beach.

All

Yeah!

Ron

It was nothin'.

Fozzie

(sarcastic)

Sure, nothin' Burgundy. Right.

Rizzo

C'mon, Ron.

Gonzo

C'mon. Tell us about the girl.

Cut to a scene at a lunch table with Miss Piggy surrounded by Camilla, Olivia Newton-John, and Janice.

Janice

What did you do this summer, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy

I spent most of it at the beach. I met a human.

Olivia Newton-John

You went all the way to the beach for some human?

Miss Piggy

This human was special.

Olivia Newton-John

There ain't no such thing. I should know.

Miss Piggy

He was really romantic and he had a great mustache.

Cut back to Ron and the guys on the bleachers.

All

C'mon, man. Tell us.

Ron

Oh, boys, the snout on this girl. But you don't want to hear about that.

Fozzie

Are you kidding me?

Ron

Alright, I'll tell you.

They break into a rousing rendition of "Summer Love" replacing every "girl" with "pig" and every "boy" with "human." We pick up with the last verse. Ron and Miss Piggy have their backs to each other but are unaware of each other's presence. It's more for stage effect.

Miss Piggy

(singing)

It turned colder, that's where it ends

Ron

(singing)

So, I told her, we'd still be friends

Miss Piggy

(singing)

Then we made, our true love vow

Ron

(singing)

She was a pig, the size of a cow

Both

(singing)

Summer breeze between two species but, oh, those summer nights

All

Tell me more, tell me more

Ron and Miss Piggy look sad as the girls and guys look on. The screen fades to black.

Idea #93

Champ and Brian set up a fake beauty pageant at the news station after hours to get more attractive girls to pay attention to them. Brick agrees to be a judge with them and Ron will be Master of Ceremonies. Participants in the beauty pageant are "one of each" according to Champ: Mabel (brunette), Jackie (red), Holly (blonde), and Lupe (not white). Ron comes out in a nice tuxedo holding a microphone that is not plugged into anything.

Ron

Welcome to the Miss Lower San Diego Pageant. In our...uh...fifteenth year of operation. Let's have the ladies come out and walk around.

Mabel, Jackie, Holly, and Lupe walk around in dresses and heels.

Ron

Thank you ladies.

(beat)

While they are getting dressed, let's meet the judges.

Ron walks over to the judges at their pushed together desks.

Ron

Champ Kind who is currently single.

Champ

I am.

Brian

The very handsome Brian Fantana.

Brian

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Brick

And Brick Tamland...the...uh...weatherman.

Brick

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Ron

Ok, enough chit chat, let's get on with the show. Our first event is the Evening Gown comp-

Champ

Bathing suit!

Ron

Excuse me.

Champ

Let's start with bathing suits.

Ron

Splendid idea. Ladies? Bathing suits.

Champ

Two piece!

Ron

Two piece bathing suits. Let's go go go.

The women go back inside to change with confused looks on their faces.

Brian

That was great, Champ. Who cares about dresses?

Champ

I know. It just hit me. I was thinking, "I want to see more skin." And it popped into my head: swimsuits.

Brian

Amazing.

Ron walks over to the dressing room (Ron's office). He cracks the door, then knocks.

Ron

Are you girls almost ready?

(staring)

Nice, Holly.

Ron closes the door.

Ron

They're ready.

(beat)

Come on out, ladies! First is Mabel. She is a woman. She likes to swim, apparently. Next, we have Jackie with boobies. Then, Holly who is even better topless and finally, Lupe who is foreign.

The girls walk out in their bikinis.

Ron

And the judges will tally scores while you get ready for the talent-

Champ

No talent. I want to see Holly in Jackie's bikini, Lupe in Holly's, Jackie, in Mabel's, and Mabel in Lupe's.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want to see Jackie in Lupe's, Holly in Mabel's, Mabel in Jackie's, and Lupe in Holly's.

Lupe

But I'm in Holly's.

Champ

And you look fantastic.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want Jackie in nothing, Holly in peanut butter and jelly, Mabel in my lap, and Lupe in Holly's. You really look great in it.

Mabel

Is this a real pageant?

Ron

Twenty years running.

Holly

You said fifteen before.

Ron

Did I? Well, this pageant, in particular, is fifteen years but we've been running pageants for twenty.

Mabel

I don't think there is a Miss Lower San Diego Pageant.

Brian

What? Do you think this is some not-so-elaborate ruse to get hot, sexy women to spend an evening with us?

Mabel

Yes.

Brian

Then you as observant as you are attractive. Let's cut the bull and party. How does that sound?

The girls look at each other and shrug.

Holly

We got nothing else to do.

Champ

Sounds like a yes to me. Dibs on Lupe.

Lupe

Can I change?

Champ

Sorry, no.

Idea #92

Ron arrives on the set of "Mork and Mindy." He does not know what to expect. Pam Dawber is the first person he runs into.

Pam Dawber

Ron Burgundy? I'm Pam Dawber. I play Mindy.

Ron

(grabs her hand and kisses it)

Enchanted.

Pam Dawber

I saw you on "The Love Boat." You're very good.

Ron

How nice of you to say. I'd like to hear more about how good I am. How about after the shoot-

Robin Williams comes running up.

Robin Williams

Hey, you must be Ron Burgundy. Although you seem more of a Ron Peach or a Ron Tan. It's going to be a lot of fun on the set today. We tend to get a little crazy. What am I saying, a lot of crazy.

(makes some crazy noises and hand gestures)

Boop. Bop. Wang.

Ron

(extends hand)

Nice to meet you.

Robin Williams

(shakes hand)

I'm Robin Williams but you can call me

(acts demure and talks in high-pitched voice)

Mrs. Funnybritches. I do so love that you're on the show.

(clears throat)

I hate when she comes out.

(smacks own face)

Bad Mrs. Funnybritches!

(high-pitched voice)

Oooo!

(regular voice)

Bad!

(smacks own face)

That should take care of her. So, you're a news man.

(puts finger to ear)

This just in: Mork and Mindy is very excited to have Ron Burgundy on the set. Coming up after the break: hula hoops: fun toy or dangerous geometry?

Ron stares on in shock as Robin Williams pretends to hula hoop while getting hurt.

Robin Williams

Help! Stop this thing! It's hurting me! I can't stop swiveling my hips! I must look like Elvis.

(Elvis voice)

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one goes out to Ron Burgundy.

(to Heartbreak Hotel)

When Ron Burgundy showed up

He stood open-mouthed and stared

At Robin Williams hula hooping

Around like Elvis, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened

Ron Burgundy's frightened and wants to go home.

Robin Williams goes into a knee slide with arms extended out. He's fake heavy-breathing like at the end of a Broadway number. Pam Dawber and all the crew erupt in applause. Robin Williams stands up and waves around appreciative.

Robin Williams

Thank you. You're too kind. Now, you're not kind enough. Ok, too kind again.

(walks up to Ron)

Well, Ron, how did you like your Welcome Wagon. Although it wasn't much of a wagon. It was more of a Welcome-

Ron

Village Idiot?

Robin Williams

(turns to him seriously)

What did you call me?

Ron

A Welcome Village Idiot. It's funny.

Pam Dawber waves her arms in the background trying to stop Ron. Robin Williams' eyes turn all white. His already hairy arms become more so. He lets out a scream that turns into a howl. Before Ron's eyes, Robin Williams begins to change. He rises three feet in height. His clothes rip from his body as he gains muscle mass. His hands turn into massive claws with razor-sharp nails. His mouth and nose extend out from his face into a snout. Werewolf Robin Williams snarls menacingly over Ron. Drool drips down and splashes the floor by Ron's shoes.

Werewolf Robin Williams

(deep voice)

That was a big mistake.

As Werewolf Robin Williams crouches down to launch himself at Ron, two men with stun guns zap Werewolf Robin Willaims. He convulses and falls to the ground. One of the men puts his stun gun away and pulls out a syringe. They inject it into Werewolf Robin Williams' arm. He slowly turns back into a sweaty, naked, less hairy, regular Robin Williams.

Cut to Ron Burgundy at the age of 70 on his porch. A young boy sits across from him. They are drinking lemonade. 

Ron

That was the most scared I've ever been.

Young Boy

Wow, Grandpa, no wonder why Robin Williams still gets work.

Ron

It's hard to say no to a werewolf. It's best to just smile, laugh, and wait for it to be over.

(beat)

Shall we go see how your grandma's doing with those brownies?

Young Boy

Oh boy!

Grandpa Ron and the young boy go inside the house.

Ron (O.S.)

Pam, how are those brownies coming?

Idea #91

Fresh off his critically-acclaimed turn on "The Love Boat" (see Idea #s 87, 88, and 89), Ron gets offers from many hit television shows. Ron sits in his office with Champ, Brian, and Brick.

Ron

So, I'm supposed to play Ponch's brother though I think I look more like the other guy and then I'm going to be on this show, "Mork and Mindy" with some comedian named Robin Williams.

Champ

Do you think-

Ron

I'm not done talking.

Champ

Sorry.

Ron

And then I'm doing "The Muppet Show" where I sing a song with Miss Piggy.

(beat)

Now, you may speak Champ.

Champ

Do you think you can get me a part on any of these shows?

Ron

I'd love to but, seriously, you are not an attractive man.

Champ

(accepting)

That's true.

Ron

They only put amazingly handsome gentlemen like myself. If anyone here could get a part, it would be Brian but that would be stretching it as he's only eighty percent amazingly handsome.

Brian

(upbeat)

Thanks, Ron.

Ron

Don't mention it.

Brick

My mom says I'm handsome.

Ron

Amazingly handsome?

Brick

(dejected)

No, just regular handsome.

Ron

Look, guys, if I get my own show, I promise to have each of you on it in small parts or cast really great looking people in the parts you were supposed to get but have your names in the credits instead of theirs.

Brian

That doesn't sound like a good deal.

Ron

It's a limited time offer.

Brian

How could it-

Champ

(leans in to Brian)

I think we should take it.

Brick

(leans in to Brian and Champ)

Me too.

Brian

Fine, we'll take it.

Ron

Great. Now, leave my office. I need to get some sleep.

Champ, Brian, and Brick stand up to exit.

Brian

The news starts in twenty minutes.

Ron

Then wake me in fifteen. How hard is this? That's it. Brick's part played by someone else is going to be bigger than yours.

Brian

But-

Ron

Champ's too.

Brian

Crap.

Ron

And when you wake me, I like three taps on the shoulder. I can't stand shaking. That is all.

Champ, Brian, and Brick leave Ron's office. Ron takes out two cucumber slices and puts them on his eyes and then leans back in his chair.

Idea #90

After having a great kissing scene with Ann-Margret on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #89), Ron finds himself making out with her in her dressing room.

Ann-Margret

(heavily breathing, in between kisses)

This is wrong. I have a husband.

Ron

I warned you about my lips.

Ann-Margret

I should have believed you. Carry me to the bed.

Ron lifts her up and lays her down on the bed. He rips open her blouse exposing her bra.

Ann-Margret

Nobody can know about this.

Ron

I will tell no one.

Cut to next day at the office. Ron is sitting in his office with Brian, Champ, and Brick.

Ron

I totally bagged Ann-Margret.

Champ

How was she?

Ron

A tigress. She said I was better than Elvis.

Brian

Does that complete the set?

Brick

What set?

Ron

Yes it does.

Ron stands up and walks over to a portrait of himself hanging on the wall. He swivels it out from the wall to reveal a safe. Meticulously, he enters the combination and the safe door opens. He pulls out a scroll. He lets the end fall and it unrolls across the office carpet.

Ron

You see Brick, growing up, Elvis was the biggest sex symbol there ever was. I knew that if I wanted to be the greatest sexual specimen in the universe, I was going to have to be better than Elvis. I compiled a list of every woman Elvis has ever been with: Cybill Shepherd, Peggy Lipton, Cher, and so on.

Champ

You slept with Cher?

Ron

I did and everyone else on this list except Ann-Margret.

(beat)

Until now.

Champ

What's that other pile of papers in the safe?

Ron

These are all written letters attesting to the fact that I am a better lover than Elvis. And now I can add Ann-Margret to the list.

Ron removes a letter from his pocket. He unfolds it and puts it on top of the pile in the safe.

Ron

Now I am the greatest lover of all time!

Ron raises his fist and stands triumphant for a moment. Then, he puts his fist down.

Ron

That took longer than I expected. Elvis was a real man whore.

Brick

What are you going to do next?

Ron

I don't know. I got this five hundred piece puzzle of a country chateau. Maybe I'll tackle that next.

Brian

I'm hungry. You wanna get lunch?

Ron

Yeah, I could really go for Italian.

Ron leaves everything where it was (scroll on floor, safe open) as he and the guys walk out of the office.

Idea #89

Ron is on the set of "The Love Boat." He and the director had some problems in an earlier scene (see Idea #88) but Ron has kept to the script lately knowing it would get him to this scene. The current scene is the kiss between Ron and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret

Now, Ron, I'm sure you'll be a gentleman despite your attraction to me.

Ron

Ann-Margret, I'm shocked! I just hope you can resist these lips. For decades, women have been getting lost in them.

Ann-Margret

So, if anything happens, it's my fault.

Ron

Entirely.

Jim Hubert

Ok, everyone. Scene forty-four. Let's get Ron ready.

Two guys with buckets come up to Ron. They soak him in water. The hair and makeup girl comes over and combs his hair nicely. 

Jim Hubert

Positions.

Ron is held to look like he's hanging from the boat by two men dressed like deck hands. Bernie Kopell is standing behind the two deck hands. Ann-Margret stands next to Gavin MacLeod.

Jim Hubert

Action!

The two deck hands drag Ron onto the boat. Bernie Kopell tends to him.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

What happened?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

I was walking along the deck and he yelled out, "I'll get it!" as he dove past me off the boat.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

Do you know him?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

We met on the ship and he's been...trying to get my attention. I hope he's ok.

Ron coughs out some water.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

He's going to be fine. A little water down the wrong pipe.

Ron groans. His right hand is closed tightly in a fist. He sits up.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Take it easy, Mr. Barnes.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

You dropped this.

Ron opens his fist to show a diamond earring. Ann-Margret looks at it and checks her ear in shock.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

My earring!

Ann-Margret squats down to take it from him but remains at Ron's level with a look of wonder on her face.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

I saw you walking on the deck and I saw this sparkle fall from your ear and bounce off the boat. I remember how you told me they were your grandmother's earrings and how much they meant to you. I knew you would be upset if you lost it. Before I could talk myself out of it, I jumped.

Ann-Margret leans in and kisses Ron. She lingers a bit and parts from him.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

You're wonderful.

They kiss again.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Well, I guess he's fine.

Everyone else walks away as the Ron and Ann-Margret kiss.

Jim Hubert

Cut. That was great everyone. Shall we do another take?

Ron

Yes! I mean for safety's sake if that's ok with Ann.

Ann-Margret

Another take would be nice.

Ann-Margret smiles at Ron.

Ron

(hastily)

Where are those buckets! Places people!

Idea #88

Ron arrives on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #87). He meets with Jim Hubert, the director of this episode.

Jim Hubert

Ron, nice to meet you.

Ron

A pleasure. I'm a big fan of the show.

Jim Hubert

I like to move quickly through scenes. Do you know your lines?

Ron

I like to improvise in the manner of Chevy Chase or Billiam Murray. I know what the scenes call for.

Jim Hubert

We don't improvise here. While you're in makeup, go over them some more. I want you to know them backwards and forwards.

Ron

Absolutely.

Cut to the bar set. Cameras are aimed at the desired locations. Ron is sitting at the bar. Ted Lange is behind the bar as Isaac. Ann-Margret is at the end of the bar and no one is located between them.

Jim Hubert

Places and...action!

Ron and Ann-Margret exchange glances. There may be interest.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac?

Ted Lange comes over.

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Mr. Barnes, what can I do for you? Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Yeah, two more. Let me ask you. Who is that fine piece of tail at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

(to Ron)

Ron, please stick to the script.

Ron

(lifts glass)

Quick question. Can we have some real scotch in here instead of this apple juice?

Jim Hubert

No. Let's get ready for take 2. If you need a line, Ron, ask for it.

Ron

Got it.

Jim Hubert

Quiet on the set and...action!

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Sure. Isaac, who is that sweet piece of sugar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

Flash forward. Take eight.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who is that at the end of the bar and tell me she's not a hooker?

Jim Hubert screams in anger.

Flash forward. Take fifteen.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that a General at the end of the bar because my little soldier's saluting?

Jim Hubert kicks over his director's chair.

Flash forward. Take thirty-two.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that Ann-Margret's sexy twin?

Ron winks at Ann-Margret. She smiles. Jim Hubert punches the cameraman. 

Flash forward. Take forty-one.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, I'm going to lick that girl's toes. What's her story?

Jim Hubert tries to attack Ron but assistants hold him back.

Flash forward. Take forty-five.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who's the little lady at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut! That was the right line.

Cameraman

(with black eye)

We ran out of film halfway through.

Jim Hubert

Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ron walks up to Ann-Margret.

Ron

I know I was just playing a character but I meant everything I said.

Ann-Margret

That's very sweet of you but I'm married.

Ron

Really?

Ann-Margret

Yes, for ten years now.

Ron

Wow. Is there any chance you'd like to break your vows for this?

Ron indicates himself.

Ann-Margret

If I was a woman of lesser morals, absolutely.

Ron

You're too kind.

Jim Hubert

Ok, we have film. Ron, can you do it the same way as take forty-five?

Ron

I can do it better.

Jim Hubert

I'm looking for the same.

Ron

Suit yourself.

Come back tomorrow for the kissing scene.

Idea #87

Ron walks into the news station wearing a ship captain's hat. Brian and Brick walk up to him.

Brian

What's with the hat, Ron?

Ron

It's Captain Burgundy.

Brian

Is this because of the Love Boat?

Ron

Best show on television.

Brick

Best show on television.

Ron

Do you watch it, Brick?

Brick

No.

Ron

They have the best people on that show. The guest stars alone. I would kill to be on it.

Brian

My cousin Ed is a producer on it. Maybe he can get you a part.

Ron

Call him right now!

Brian

It's kinda early!

Ron

Call him or I'll tell everyone about that thing you don't want everyone to know!

Brian

What thing? Are you just making it up?

Ron

Can you take that chance?

Brian

I guess not.

Cut to later in Ron's office. Ron extends an old ship telescope and looks through it. The angle is a distorted closeup of things in his office. The shot continues to the doorway and we see a fun house version of Brian's face.

Brian

Ron?

Cut to regular view of office. Ron collapses the telescope and puts it away.

Ron

Hey, Brian.

Brian

You have a part.

Ron

Super! What is it?

Brian

You get to board the ship and shake the captain's hand.

Ron

An extra? I want a love story! I want to fall in love on the Love Boat!

Brian

Those go to real stars.

Ron

I'm a real star! Call him back!

Brian

It goes to real actors. I don't think he can get-

Ron

Real actors? Charo was on it. I can act Charo into a paper bag or whatever the saying is. Make it happen!

Brian

But Ron-

Ron

Big secret. Whole office.

Brian

Fine.

Cut to later. Brian walks into Ron's office.

Ron

Gopher!

Brian

Huh?

Ron

He's a character on the show that gets things done. It's a complement. You'd be laughing right now if you watched the show.

Brian

Whatever. You're getting a love story.

Ron

Really? That's fantastic! Bravo, Brian!

(pumps fist)

Hooray!

Brian

I'll get you the information on when you have to report to the set.

Ron

Do you know who my love interest is going to be?

Brian

Ann-Margret.

Ron

Viva Las Vegas' Rusty Martin? Bye Bye Birdie's Kim McAfee? The Flintstone's Ann-Margrock? Wow! Maybe after the Love Boat, we can have a Love Car Ride to my Love Home and get in my Love Bed and do the Love Sex.

Brian

Maybe.

(beat)

Was there even a secret?

Ron

What?

(beat)

No, there wasn't.

Brian

I knew it!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of Ron Burgundy's episode of the Love Boat.

Idea #86

Ron walks into the men's room at the news station. Brian is shaving at the sink. Ron heads to the sink and puts some water on his face. They are both hung over.

Brian

That was a crazy party last night.

Ron

I had a dream I was making out with a muppet and I woke up to find I was licking the back of some girl's head. 

Brian

I actually fell asleep on a girl's boob. Not as comfortable as you would think. Left a mark too.

Brian turns to Ron and points at his forehead. Brian has an impression shaped like a nipple.

Ron

Yikes.

Brian

Yeah.

Brian shaves the last spot on his face and then throws the razor in the garbage. Ron sees this and looks shocked.

Ron

What are you doing?

Brian

What?

Ron

Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian

It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron

Disposable razors?

Brian

Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're really cheap and also, there's some other shit.

Director (O.C.)

Cut! What was that?

The Director walks up to Ron and Brian.

Director

I need you guys to stick to the script. I don't know why the Bic company wants you two to do this but they do.

Ron

It's because we're real men. Good looking men.

Director

Just stick to the-

Ron

Men that built the Hoover Dam and make diamonds with their bare hands.

Director

Is he done?

Ron

Men that eat live animals and screw nameless women. Now I'm done.

Director

Ok-

Ron

Wait! Men that - Nope, I was done.

Director

Fantastic. Once again from "Why'd you throw out your razor?" Positions.

Ron and Brian go back the sinks.

Director (O.C.)

Action.

Ron

Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian

It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron

Disposable razors?

Brian

Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're cheap and I don't have to carry around that heavy, bulky old razor.

Ron

I, Ron Burgundy, would also like to use one.

Brian

They're available at most drug stores and retail establishments.

Ron

Hey, I live by a retail establishment.

Brian

They should have one.

Both

Disposable razors by Bic. Go shave yourself!

Idea #85

Veronica reports that Barney Clark receives the first artificial heart transplant.

Ron

Didn't you beat him to it? I thought your heart was artificial or is that missing?

Veronica

Really? We've been divorced for two years. You're still going to do this on live TV like all the other fights?

Ron

That hurt doesn't go away.

Veronica

You cheated on me!

Ron

But she was eighteen which is so young, it shouldn't count and it was in the first three months of marriage which is universally known as the "open period."

Veronica

So, I could have been with another man in the first three months and you would have been ok with it?

Ron

(hesitates)

Sure.

Veronica

That's a relief. I've been feeling guilty.

Ron

(confused)

Why would you be feeling-

(realizing)

You didn't!

Veronica

I did!

Ron

Sweet Moses Malone! You two-timing whore!

Veronica

Wow, I feel much better now. I've been holding that in too long.

Ron

Who was it?

Veronica

I doesn't matter.

Ron

Then I know him.

Veronica

You do. He was a gentle lover and he made me feel special.

Ron

Who was it?

Veronica

Garth.

Ron

Garth? Like Weird Beard Garth?

(laughs)

That doesn't count.

Veronica

You know, you should ask him for some advice. You could learn a lot from him.

Ron

Are you saying he's better in bed than me?

Veronica

Yes. Coming up, what other fruit can keep the doctor away? You'll need to know with the upcoming apple shortage. Right after this.

Idea #84

Veronica reports that Margaret Thatcher will become the first woman Prime Minister of England.

Ron

You must be happy.

Veronica

Why would I be happy? I don't live in England.

Ron

Just another thing women get to do. The glass ceiling's there for a reason, you know.

Veronica

You are unbelievable.

Ron

I'm unbelievable?!? What's next, women voting?

Veronica

Women do vote, Ron.

Ron

When did this happen?

Veronica

About sixty years ago.

Ron

That's ridiculous. No wonder Kennedy won. A bunch of women voting with their nether regions.

Veronica

Ron, we're on the air.

Ron

So what? A man can't voice his opinion about a woman leading the country? At least we don't have that problem here. A woman will never be President of the United States. Vice President, maybe. But never President. I promise you that.

Veronica

How do you promise that?

Ron

I know people.

Veronica

Champ? Your going to have Champ assassinate any potential female Presidents?

Ron

(bottling up)

No. Who's Champ? This discussion is over.

(lifts up copy, clears throat)

Tonight on television, Boss Hogg will once again try to take down the Duke boys. I think he's going to do it. He was real close last week.

(to Veronica)

Did you see it Veronica?

Veronica glares at him.

Ron

That Daisy Duke. She could be President. President of the Ron-ited States.

Ron chuckles and Veronica shakes her head.

Idea #83

Ron and Veronica are reporting the news from the news desk.

Veronica

With the passing of Pope Paul VI, the Vatican has begun the process of electing a new pope. Coming up later, we will have an expert in the studio to explain the process and other things that happen in the papal conclave.

Ron

I'd like to take a stab at it.

Veronica

There's nothing to take a stab at, Ron. The expert knows and will tell us.

Ron

We don't need an expert. I'm going to knock this one out of the park.

Veronica

You're going to look like an idiot.

Ron

I think you're wrong.

Veronica

Well, you're the expert.

Ron

Thank you.

Veronica

(frustrated)

On being wrong. You're the expert on being wrong! It wasn't a complement!

Ron

We'll see.

Veronica

Fine, tell us.

Ron

The pope understudies-

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Same thing. They all get in a room. There's sixteen of them.

Veronica

Not true.

Ron

These sixteen guys enter a round robin, double elimination tournament of which the winner becomes the pope.

Veronica

(growing amused)

What do they do in this tournament?

Ron

It's a decathlon. A pope-al decathlon.

Veronica

Papal. And what are the ten events?

Ron

Right, ten. There's chess, caber toss-

Veronica

Some of these guys are very old. Hard to throw a caber.

Ron

They don't have to throw it far. They're not Olympians. They're subpopes.

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Let's see. Judo, The Game of Life, chess. How many is that?

Veronica

Five but you said "chess" twice. So four.

Ron

Chili cookoff, hangman, 100-meter hurdles, speed painting.

Veronica

What's speed painting?

Ron

Well, they each paint a room and the one that paints his room the fastest wins.

Veronica

How do they know all the rooms are the same size?

Ron

Well, it's the same room.

Veronica

So they just paint the same room over and over?

Ron

Yes.

Veronica

That makes more sense. What are the last two?

Ron

Tug of war and an essay on why he wants to be pope. I feel like you're mocking me.

Veronica

I am. That list is ridiculous.

Cut to later in the show. Veronica and Ron are sitting in chairs across from Gerard, a papal expert.

Gerard

It is said that Pope Pius X made the best chili in the history of the tournament. Chili's inclusion in the tournament dates back to the early 1900s when it replaced leech tolerance, which was an event to see which cardinal, or subpope, could place the most leeches on his body. They continually update the events to keep up with the times. The Vatican likes to be trendy. 

Ron watches on with a smile of satisfaction as Veronica stares in shock.

Idea #82

Ron and Veronica are at the news desk anchoring.

Veronica

When we come back, the U.S. and Iran sign a ten billion dollar arms deal.

Ron

Wow! Ten million?

Veronica

No, Ron. Billion.

Ron

That's a lot of money. How much money do you think we could get for my arms?

Veronica

We're on the news.

Ron

I work out for real now. Not like the time you came to my office and I-

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

I'm just looking for a number.

(flexes left arm in his suit)

What do you think, San Diego? How much would you sign these babies for?

Veronica

This is so unprofessional.

Ron

If you act now, I'll throw in the second arm at no additional cost.

(flexes right arm)

That's an unbelievable value.

Veronica

Are we at commercial yet?

The cameraman shakes his head.

Ron

Come on, San Diego.

A phone rings by Brian. He looks confused and picks it up.

Brian

Hello?

(beat)

Forty dollars?

Veronica

San Diego, I implore you to rise above this charade.

"What's New, Pussycat?" pumps over the studio speakers. Ron dances around to Tom Jones.

Ron

Forty dollars? I'm insulted, though appreciative. Did I mention all proceeds go to orphans?

Veronica

What orphans?

Ron

(indignant but dancing and flexing)

You don't think there are still orphans in this world. Drinking gruel when they don't want to.

Veronica

That's Oliver Twist and you eat gruel.

Ron

I don't eat gruel and neither should orphans.

Brian picks up another ringing phone.

Brian

Hello?

(beat)

A hundred dollars!

Ron

(singing)

Whoooa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh!

Veronica

(to producer booth)

Go to commercial right now!

Ron

Stop hating orphans, Corningstone!

Veronica groans in anger and walks off the set as Ron dances around and Brian answers the phone once more.

Brian

How much for Ron's arms?

(beat)

I can't hear you.

(beat)

A thousand dollars!?!

Ron

Let me talk to them.

(takes phone)

A thousand dollars!?! Thank you so much. May I ask who this is?

(beat)

Wait! I know this voice!

(looks around)

Where's Champ?

Champ comes running in out of breath.

Ron

Was that you on the phone?

Champ

No. I mean, what phone? What? I don't even have a thousand dollars.

Ron

That's it. Shut it down. Go to commercial.

The music stops and Ron sits back down professionally at the news desk and stares disapprovingly at Champ.

Idea #81

Richard Dawson, technically dead for a little more than a minute (see Idea #80), remains in the center of the stage with machines keeping him alive. Ron and the Producer are in a heated argument.

Ron

We are finishing this show!

Producer

Richard was dead for two minutes!

Ron

"WAS" dead. He's fine now.

Producer

This discussion is over. The ambulance is coming to take Richard to the hospital.

Ron

How are we going to get that prize money? We beat Mantooth and you know it. Just because Dawson can't bleed on the outside like a normal person doesn't mean-

Producer

You can just have the money for your charity.

Ron

Oh.

(confused)

Really?

Producer

Yes.

Ron

Well, that's good.

(to news team)

Guys, we won!

(to producer)

Can we get a picture to remember this by?

Producer

Fine.

Cut to a snap shot of Ron, Champ, Brick, and the Nurse standing beside Richard Dawson's comatose body showing exuberance about winning Family Feud.

Cut to much later. Brian opens the door of the sound proof booth.

Brian

Guys? Hello? Anyone? Can I come out now?

Idea #80

Richard Dawson, in a coma as a result of an unfortunate fast money answer coincidence (see Idea #79), rests in the middle of the Family Feud set with hospital monitors beeping around him. A nurse checks his vitals. Ron is nearby talking to the Producer.

Producer

We are going against his doctor's recommendation. Actually we're going against common sense.

Ron

He said he was going to finish this show and we can help him do that. It could be his dying wish. What if he doesn't wake up? You want that on your head?

Producer

Well, no, but what you are suggesting is ridiculous.

Ron

Ridiculous or brilliant?

Producer

You heard what I said.

Ron

Just point the cameras.

(turns to Champ)

Champ? Like we talked about.

Champ walks to the center of the stage by Richard Dawson's bed. Ron walks over to the nurse. 

Ron

These machines are making too much noise. Can you stop the beeping?

Nurse

The only way to stop the beeping is to shut off the machines.

Ron

Ok.

Nurse

The machines are keeping him alive right now.

Ron

Can we shut them off for a little bit?

Nurse

But he won't be breathing.

Ron

Ok, but I can hold my breath for five minutes.

Nurse

No you can't.

Ron

Well, it's close to that. Anyway, we can get through this real fast. Double time.

Nurse

He could end up with brain damage.

Ron

We'll be quick.

Nurse

No!

Ron

Sorry to have to do this.

(beat)

Brick, unplug him.

Cut to Brick pulling the plug. The machines stop functioning. Ron jumps into the bed with Richard Dawson. Champ gets under the bed.

Ron

Roll cameras!

The camera shows Ron and Richard Dawson next to each other.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Welcome back to The Feud!

Ron reaches over and presses on Richard Dawson's chin to open and close the mouth in time with Champ's talking.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Let's see how you did, Ron.

Ron

I'm excited, Dawson.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

First question: Name a char-

Producer

(over house speakers)

I'm shutting this down.

Ron

What?!?

Producer

(over house speakers)

This isn't right.

Ron

The man may be dying! This is all he ever wanted!

Brick (O.S.)

Ron? Uh, Ron?

Ron

Not now, Brick!

Brick

Should I plug him back in?

Nurse

Yes!

Ron

Oh, yeah. Plug him in.

Brick plugs him in and the machines start functioning again. The nurse checks to make sure Richard Dawson is still alive. He is. The nurse breathes out relieved.

Ron

Ok, let's do this again. From the top!

Producer

(over house speakers)

No!

Ron

Fine. Let's take five. Let the man breathe for a bit. Probably too soon to unplug him again.

See you tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion to Family Feud week at I Wanna Write Anchorman 2.