Idea #65

Ron and the guys are talking in his office.

Ron

I got a waterbed yesterday.

Champ

I hear those are good for sex.

Ron

(proudly)

That's what I hear.

Brick

Won't you drown in your sleep?

Ron

No, Brick. The bed is filled with water. The bed isn't water.

Brian

How does Veronica feel about this?

Ron

I haven't told her yet.

Brian

She's going to be pissed. Doesn't she get sea sick?

Ron

No.

Champ

Yeah, remember that piece she had to do about the whale watching ships? She came home 10 pounds lighter. Hoo wee.

Ron

That's a ship and this is a bed.

Cut to Ron's bedroom. He is sitting on the bed with some bobbing motion. Veronica is off screen puking in the bathroom.

Ron

What if we get you some dramamine?

Veronica (O.S.)

You are taking that thing back.

Ron

But we didn't even get to christen it. That's the whole reason I bought it.

Veronica (O.S.)

(vomit noise)

Take it back!

Idea #64

Brian and Brick filled two shopping carts full of food and were heading back to the news station when a police officer got in the way (see Idea #58). Brian and Brick put their hands up.

Police Officer

People don't take too kindly to looting and rioting in these parts.

Brian

Look, we're not looting. There's no one to pay and we really need the food.

Police Officer

Oh, you really need the food.

Brick nods.

Police Officer

Do you really need a gun?

Police Officer offers his gun to them.

Brian

No.

Police Officer unbuckles his belt.

Police Officer

How about a pair of pants? Do you really need a pair of pants?

Brian

Officer, my name is Brian Fantana and this is Brick Tamland. We are part of the Channel Four News Team. We are going to pay the store for the food when the storm is over.

Police Officer

So, you think because you're on the radio.

Brick

Television.

Police Officer

Excuse me. Television. I'm supposed to let you steal from this store.

Brian

No, but it's not like we're going to flee.

Police Officer

What are you doing right now?

Brick

Fleeing.

Brian

Shut up, Brick.

Brick

Sorry.

Police Officer

Well, boys, it's time to arrest you. Just think though, Steve McQueen was arrested and so was Jane Fonda. Now, they can add Brian Santana and Brick Whatever to the list.

Brian

What if we gave you the money for the food?

Police Officer

(muses over it)

What about the window you broke?

Brian

The window too.

Police Officer

I'd have to get an estimate. I know a good glass guy.

Brian pulls out his wallet. He tries to remain calm but he is frustrated.

Brian

I have a hundred dollars. That has to be enough.

Police Officer

I'll take the hundred dollars and let you go but you have to do something for me.

Brian

Thank you, sir. Anything you want.

Police Officer

I want you guys to hug each other...tenderly.

Brian

What?

Police Officer

Hug your friend and be gentle about it.

(beat)

Do you want to go to jail?

Brian hesitantly approaches Brick. Brick has his arms open and a smile on his face. Brian has a look of disgust. They hug and let go real fast.

Police Officer

That wasn't gentle. Again.

Brian and Brick hug and hold it.

Police Officer

Rub his back, Brian.

Brian rubs Brick's back.

Police Officer

Now, kiss.

Brian breaks the hug. Brick lingered a little long.

Brian

No way.

Police Officer

Then it's jail and no food for your friends.

Brian hesitates and looks at Brick. He closes his eyes momentarily and takes a breath.

Cut to Brian and Brick at the news station. Employees are emptying the carts. Ron comes up to them.

Ron

Guys, you did it! Looks like quite a feast. Did you run into any trouble?

Ron puts his arm around Brian but Brian recoils.

Brick

We-

Brian

(glares at Brick)

No trouble at all.

Cut to the interior of a van. The police officer is sitting in the back with another man. 

Police Officer

You got all of that on tape.

Other Man

(lifts video camera)

Yup.

Police Officer

This is going to be one of the best episodes of Candid Camera ever.

Idea #63

Ron walks into the office with headphones on his ears and a wire going from them to a rectangular, electronic device attached to his belt. He is bopping his head and pointing as he walks by people.

Brian

Hey, Ron.

Ron

(loudly)

What? I can't hear you!

Brian

(louder)

Ron, what is that thing?

Ron

(loudly)

It's a Walkman! It lets me listen to music as I walk!

Brian

(loudly)

Wow!

Ron

(loudly)

I know!

Brian

(loudly)

What are you listening to?

Ron

(loudly)

It's the instructions on how to use it and-

Brian makes a motion for Ron to take his headphones off. Ron does.

Ron

(normal)

and things I can do with it.

Brian

So, you can take music with you anywhere?

Ron

That's what it tells me.

Brian

Do you even own any cassettes?

Ron

No, I'm a vinyl man but I heard somewhere that these were the future.

Brian

Veronica said that yesterday on the news. She was sitting right next to you.

Ron

(acting oblivious)

Veronica still works here?

Brian

Oh, I forgot you were still mad about her going on a date with Mantooth and you're pretending she died.

Cut to the news desk a few days ago. Ron and Veronica are sitting side by side.

Ron

Good evening, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy and with me as always-

(angry)

Now, that's not funny, guys. Veronica is dead. She got mauled by a bear.

Veronica

How long is this going to last?

Ron

(lets out a scream)

It's a ghost! Everybody run!

Ron runs off the set.

Cut back to Ron and Brian in the present.

Ron

It's not pretend. I'm bringing in an exorcist. Poor thing, hit by a cab and her soul has to roam the halls of this station.

Veronica walks by.

Veronica

Brian.

(glares)

Ron.

Ron

(calls after her)

Don't worry, Ghost Veronica. Someone's coming to guide your soul to Hell where it belongs.

(to Brian)

It gets really cold when she floats by, doesn't it?

Idea #62

The news team is broadcasting the news.

Ron

And now on to Champ Kind with sports.

Champ

Hey, sports fans. Whammy! No local sports teams in action tonight but the big news around the sports world is the National League MVP Award went out today and it was a tie. Keith Hernandez of the Cardinals and Willie Stargell of the Pirates shared the honor after having really good seasons both of them.

Ron

Champ?

Champ

Yes, Ron?

Ron

How can there be a tie?

Champ

Well, it's the voting.

Ron

But it's the most valuable. You would think there could only be one. Who did you vote for?

Champ

You have to pick the eight best and then rank them.

Ron

Who was on top of your list?

Champ

Keith Hernandez.

Ron

Fine, then Channel Four News will say Keith Hernandez is the MVP of baseball.

Champ

The National League.

Ron

Nope. Everything.

Champ

Everything?

Ron

Yup, baseball, football, golf, space flight, everything. I'll keep going.

Champ

Can we do that?

Ron

We're live on the news. We can do anything. Watch.

Cut to the control room.

Man #1

Should we cut this?

Director

Let's see where it goes.

Cut back to the news desk.

Ron

Keith Hernandez won the Academy Award for Best Cinematography. Keith Hernandez discovered Guam. Keith-

Ron presses his ear.

Ron

What's that, Brian?

Cut to Brian standing on the street.

Brian

Can I try?

Cut to Ron in the studio.

Ron

Sure.

Cut to Brian standing on the street.

Brian

Keith Hernandez invented the free-range chicken.

Cut to Ron in the studio.

Ron

I don't know what that is but, "Thanks, Keith."

Brick

Keith Hernandez fu-

There is a censor beep and then a cut to a card reading "Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By." Music plays.

Cut back to the studio.

Ron

Thanks, Brick. Very graphic and unnecessary. I suppose I speak for everyone here at Channel Four News by congratulating Keith Hernandez on winning the MVP award for baseball and all the other stuff. Congratulation, Keith.

Idea #61

Ron is trying to come up with ideas for things he can do quickly that will get him into the genius sperm bank (see Idea #57). He and Brian are in his office.

Brian

I keep coming back to saving the President's life.

Ron

That is a very good one but there are a couple of things wrong with it. Who are we going to get to attack the President?

Brian

Brick can shoot him. He's killed before.

Ron

Well, we don't want to kill the President.

Brian

Right.

Ron

And I don't want to take another bullet. They really hurt.

Brian

He can shoot way off target as you push the President out of the way.

Ron

Ok, let's say Brick does that and then goes to jail for some time. I just don't think the President is going to come to San Diego especially with the virus here.

Brian

You can save the President from the virus.

Ron

I could but I can't save myself from it so... 

Brian

Not that.

Ron

No.

(beat)

Come on. We're smart guys. Let's think about this.

Champ walks in looking happy with himself.

Ron

Where have you been?

Champ

Having sex.

Brian

It's been like five days since we've seen you.

Champ

I wanted to see how many women I could have sex with in five days. I'm up to thirty-four.

Ron

Getting all you can before the virus hits. That's smart.

Champ

What virus?

Idea #60

Ron has seen Veronica's new look (see Idea #51). It's the first day back at work and Ron has the guys in his office. 

Champ

Ron said it looked very nice.

Ron

No, I didn't.

Champ

My girlfriend Ron.

Brian

I'm sure it's not that b-

Veronica walks by outside the office wearing a professional woman's suit, sporting that crew cut hair style. Brian notices.

Brian

You have to dump that chick.

Brick

She looks like my cousin Jeff at Halloween.

(beat)

And every Thursday night at Feather's on Downy St.

Ron

I don't know what to do. I thought love could win out over anything but this?

Brian

She looks awful.

Champ

She still has all the right parts. Still got that full moon butt.

Ron

Yes, and that blouseful of happy sacks.

(beat)

I don't know.

Veronica walks into the doorway of Ron's office.

Veronica

Ron.

Ron

Veronica.

Veronica

I've decided to grow back my hair.

Ron pauses.

Ron

One moment.

(beat)

Men, huddle up.

The guys form a huddle while Veronica looks on annoyed.

Brian

That's great news.

Ron

It could be a trick.

Brian

What do you mean?

Ron

If I say, "Thank God, you really did look terrible and I wanted to leave you," she might get offended and do the girl thing where you can't say anything without getting her mad.

Champ

Just say what you feel. Who cares?

Brian

What are you going to do?

Ron

I think I got it.

They break the huddle.

Ron

Veronica, I think whatever you decide to do is super.

Veronica

(skeptical)

Really?

Ron

Y-yes.

Veronica

It is less work like this.

Ron

(on the verge of bursting)

Mmhmm.

Veronica

I'm so glad you had a change of heart. I'm keeping it, then.

Ron

Oh, God. Grow it back. I want my beautiful flower again. You look like a dandelion after it's been picked and blown.

Veronica

You don't love me.

Ron

I do love you, just with longer hair.

Veronica storms away.

Ron

That didn't go well.

Idea #59

Brian goes out for drinks with Ron so he could talk about his virginity. His last attempt to talk to Ron was interrupted by Champ's eavesdropping (see Idea#41). The two of them are sitting in a booth and Brian keeps looking around.

Ron

What's wrong with you?

Brian

I have to tell you something and I don't want anyone to hear it.

Ron

What'd you do now? Sleep with someone's wife.

Brian

No.

Ron

Ok, but as a television personality, you're entitled.

Brian

I didn't.

Ron

I'm just saying you could.

Brian

That's kinda what this is about.

(deep breath, looks around)

I haven't had sex.

Ron

Today? We can fix that. There's some prime real estate here just waiting for someone like you to move in.

Brian

No, Ron. Ever.

Ron

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're trying to say you've never had sex.

Brian

I haven't. I mean, I get close but then I get scared. I don't know what to do.

Ron

But you always-

Ron pauses. He goes into a flashback of all the sex talks the news gang has had.

Flash 1:

Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ are standing by the news desk.

Champ

And then she grabbed it and twisted.

Brian

I love when they do that.

Flash 2:

Ron, Brian, and Champ are in Ron's office.

Ron

This girl was a freak in bed so you can imagine what Papa Burgundy had to do.

Champ laughs.

Brian

(eager)

What did you do?

Flash 3:

Ron, Brian, Brick, and Champ are eating ice cream in the park. A pretty woman walks by.

Ron

What would you do with her in bed?

Champ

There would be lots of honey.

Ron

I hear that.

Brian

(dreamily)

Cherish every moment.

We flash back to a horrified Ron. He is about to drop his glass of scotch but realizes there's some left. He drinks it quickly and returns to the position he was in. He then drops the glass in slow motion which breaks on the ground.

Ron

The signs were always there.

Idea #58

Brian and Brick are out in the hurricane looking for food (see Idea #55). They find a grocery store. The power is out and therefore the automatic doors do not work. Brian pushes on the doors.

Brian

The doors are locked and the power's out. Should we keep looking or break-

Brick lifts a mailbox and throws it through the window as Brian says the word "break."

Brian

Oooookay.

(beat)

Was that a mailbox?

Brick

I think so.

They enter through the open window. Brian tries to lift the mailbox but it's too heavy. He then looks strangely at Brick.

Brick

There's a lot of food in here. Hey, we should bring some of this food back.

Brian

Yeah, that's why we're here.

(beat)

If you didn't-Why did you break the window?

Brick

(shrugging)

I don't know.

They each grab a cart and split up. Brian goes down a few aisles throwing random packaged food into the cart. When he turns the corner, Brick is standing by his empty cart eating an apple and reading a newspaper.

Brian

Brick, you have to put food in the cart. Stay focused. I want to get back as soon as possible. The storm looks like it's getting worse.

Brick

It is. According to this paper, the Padres lost five to four.

Brian

Just put food in the cart and let's go.

Brick hesitates.

Brian

You can keep the apple.

With two carts full of food and garbage bags wrapped over the top to keep everything dry, Brian and Brick push towards the exit. When they get to the front, a police officer is standing there waiting for them.

Officer

Just hold it right there! Don't move!

Idea #57

After getting nowhere with the national guard at the city border (see Idea #54), Ron and Brian have to do something with the virus threatening their manhood (see Idea #43). They head to a sperm bank but not just any sperm bank, Robert Klark Graham's Repository for Germinal Choice. Back at the news station, Ron calls the "Genius Sperm Bank."

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

Repository for Germinal Choice. How may I help you?

Ron

I'd like to donate my sperm. I'm Ron Burgundy.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

What major awards have you won?

Ron

I've won some regional Emmys.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

How many?

Ron

Six.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

Our conversion chart has ten regional Emmys equal to one real Emmy. You would need two real Emmys. Do you have anything else?

Ron

I'm a beloved television anchorman for Channel Four News.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

Is that in Kansas?

Ron

Kansas!?! No, it's San Diego! It's not far away. You must have seen me.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

I can't say that I have. Look, I don't think you qualify. We have a very distinguished clientele.

Ron

That's why I'm calling. I belong in there. Papa Burgundy's tiny swim team doesn't belong next to regular people, people that can only be referred to as "folks." It frightens me to even think about it. My guys deserve to rub tails with those great men in there.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

I'm sorry, sir.

Ron

I have great hair.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

I'm sure you do. Maybe if you accomplished some more things, you could call back and try again. Have a good day, sir.

Ron

But-

There is a click. Ron turns to Brian.

Ron

Brian, get your coat. We're going out. I have to make myself good enough for that sperm bank.

Brian

What are you going to do?

Ron

Great things that can be done fast. Let's move.

Idea #56

Ron and Veronica are sitting on the couch holding hands at their third session of couples therapy. Things have been better at home for them since the dream (see Idea #38).

Dr. Skinner

You guys seem happier.

Veronica

We are.

Dr. Skinner

Does that mean Ron gave up scotch?

Ron

Nope.

Dr. Skinner

But last time we talked about-

Ron

Veronica and I discussed it on the way home that day. I don't need to give up scotch. Right, Peach Pocket?

Veronica

It's true. I was being unreasonable.

Dr. Skinner

This is all very healthy. I'm impressed.

(sadly)

I guess you won't be needing to come in anymore.

Dr. Skinner gives the "one second" sign as the last statement made him choke up a little.

Veronica

Are you ok, Doctor?

Dr. Skinner

(composing)

I'm fine. I just-

Ron

It's ok. Let it out.

Dr. Skinner

(breaking down)

Why does everyone leave me? 

Ron and Veronica look at each other confused.

Dr. Skinner

First, it was my parents. Then, my wife.

(mimicking her)

"Oh, you're going to tell couples what to do? That's rich."

(normal voice)

Bitch.

Veronica

Doctor, I-

Dr. Skinner

You shut up! I had to sit here and listen to your stupid, little problems with this-this great man!

(mimicking Veronica)

"I don't want to have sex. I don't want him to drink."

(normal voice)

It's called being a man!

Ron

Now, Doc, I don't like your tone.

Dr. Skinner

Oh, the big anchorman doesn't like my tone. I've always hated your voice.

Veronica gasps. Ron stands up.

Veronica

Ron has a beautiful voice.

Ron

(stands up)

Come on, Sweet Tart, let's go before I punch this man in the head.

Ron and Veronica go to exit the room. Then, there is a slow clapping. They turn around to see Dr. Skinner with a pleasant disposition doing the applauding.

Dr. Skinner

Congratulations. You passed the test.

Veronica

Excuse me?

Dr. Skinner

I wanted to see if you would truly stick by each other. As I yelled out things, you didn't take offense as individuals. You took offense as a couple. This will be your last session.

Veronica

What about the crying?

Dr. Skinner

I did a little acting in college.

Ron

It shows.

Dr. Skinner

Thanks.

Veronica

Then, your wife-

Dr. Skinner

Never been married.

Ron

Wow! That's astonishing! Bravo, Doctor. Bravo. What about my voice?

Dr. Skinner

It's like a full body massage for the whole city. Now, you two be good. I don't want to see you around here anymore.

Ron and Veronica leave pleased.

Idea #55

It's Day 2 of the State of Emergency (see Idea #39). Ron is still in charge and Garth is still tethered to the support beam with Champ having just replaced his gag (see Idea #45). Ron addresses the staff.

Ron

Ok, people, we have made it through the night. Brian, what's our food situation?

Brian

That's a problem. We have about a day's supply left.

Ron

I thought you said there was enough food for 10 days.

Brian

I guess I wasn't good at math. And a lot of people took seconds at dinner. Champ took thirds.

Champ

I was really hungry. If it's any consolation, I threw it all up.

Ron

How is that a consolation and Brian, why did you give out more than one portion? Where was I during all of this?

Brian

You were having sex in your office with the two new interns.

Ron

I was not.

Brian

You left the shades open and when I came by, you flexed your arm and said, "Hey Brian, the two new interns! Three hours and counting!"

Ron

We actually went six.

Champ

Nice!

Ron

I know.

(checking himself, addressing the concerned people)

Anyway, we have a food problem. Brian and Brick will be in charge of getting more food. They will have to brave the weather and find something.

Brian

Why us?

Ron

Well you messed up and Brick can help you get through the elements with his weather knowledge. If you leave now, you should be back for dinner.

Brian and Brick head off screen. We cut to them dressed in yellow rain gear standing by the exit to the news station. Ron shakes their hands. They go out the door. Wind and water come rushing in. They trudge out into the storm. Ron and Champ strain to pull the door closed behind them.

Brian

(yelling)

Which way do we go?

Brick

(yelling)

It's really bad out. Do you think there's a storm coming?

Idea #54

Ron and Brian, along with a growing portion of the San Diego male population, remain in a stalemate with the National Guard at the city border (see Idea #47). There is yet to be a cure for the mysterious disease affecting San Diego men (see Idea #43). It's been a few hours since Ron's suit has been ruined and he is growing increasingly desperate to save his sexual potency.

Ron

I think our best chance is to bull rush them.

Brian

That was your idea before and it got you shot. They'll just shoot again.

Ron

Don't you think I know that? Some of us are going to have to do the honorable thing and be human shields.

Man #1

You said "us." Does that mean you're willing to be a human shield?

Ron

No that was for camaraderie.

Man #2

That doesn't seem fair.

Ron

Fair? How is it fair for me to get killed? Think about a world without Ron Burgundy. Think about a world without all of the children I will father. All of those handsome boys. You think that would be fair. How many lives do you touch a day?

Man #2

I don't know but-

Ron

I touch over a million. Can you beat that?

Man #2

No but-

Ron

All those in favor of this guy being a human shield, say I.

Man #2

Wait!

Everyone but Man #2 says I.

Ron

(to Man #2)

How many bullets do you think you can take before you fall down? They seem to have a lot so we're going to need a big effort from you.

Man #2

I'm not doing this.

Ron

Come on. We put it to a vote. Do you want to vote again? I think it would come out the same.

Man #2

I'm going home. I'd rather be impotent than dead.

Man #2 leaves.

Ron

Oh, that's a real great attitude.

Brian

Should we stop him?

Ron

No, let him go. There's plenty more guys here willing to be heroes.

(to the male crowd)

Do we have any human shield volunteers?

There is silence.

Ron

(to Brian)

I think you need to volunteer to get the ball rolling. If you say you'll do it, more will follow.

Brian

I don't want to die, Ron.

Ron

You don't have to. You can just chicken out at the end. By then, it will all be in motion.

Man #1

We can hear you.

Ron

Dammit! What kind of a world do we live in that random men won't lay down their lives to save a beloved anchorman from going sterile? I'm just glad my father's not around to see this.

Idea #53

In the middle of the oil crisis, California becomes one of the first states to implement gas rationing. If your license plate ends in an even number, you can only get gas on an even-numbered day and vice versa for odds. Ron takes his car to the gas station on the 12th of the month. The gas station attendant meets Ron at his car.

Ron

Fill her up.

Attendant

I'm sorry. I can't do that. Come back tomorrow.

Ron

I don't think you understand who I am.

Attendant

I know who you are but state law says I can't give you gas. Now, if you will move along, the lines are really-

Ron

I'll move when you fill up my car.

Attendant

Sir, today is the 12th and your license plate is "IM #1." I can only give you gas if it ends in an even number.

Ron

Well, I have an even number of fists that say you are going to give me some gas.

Ron puts up Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary.

Attendant

I'm not going to fight you, Mr. Burgundy.

Ron

Then, you are going to get really hurt.

Attendant

Fine. I don't get paid enough for this. Fill it?

Ron

Yeah, it should only be about a gallon. I barely use it but I like to keep the tank topped off.

The attendant rolls his eyes and puts the nozzle in the car.

Idea #52

Ron and the news team try out a new fad. They throw a toga party.

Ron

I don't know about you but I like this toga. I might wear one to work tomorrow. Is there a formal toga?

Brian

I think you use a silk sheet.

Ron

Maybe I can just put a tie on over it.

Champ

I like how free it is down there.

Ron

I know. This is a real swingers party if you know what I mean.

They all laugh. Brick laughs because the others are. Champ does a swivel-hipped boogie dance.

Brick

I'm wearing my bed.

Brian

(beat)

Hey, did you see that one chick? I think she used a pillow case instead of a sheet.

Champ

Whammy!

Ron

That's Laura. She's the new intern. She brought me some coffee today.

Champ

A new girl? I guess I'll have to show her the ropes.

Champ goes off in search of Laura. Ron watches Champ leave.

Brian

I've been working on a new pickup line for the toga.

Ron

Ok.

Brian

"Do you wanna help me return this sheet to my bed?"

Ron

(not impressed)

It's not bad.

Brick

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Flora, goddess of flowers, in that toga? Any chance I can deflower you?"

Ron and Brian look at Brick dumbfounded.

Idea #51

Veronica comes in the front door after her salon day with Lady Ron (see Idea #46). Ron hears the door open.

Ron (O.S.)

Honey, is that you?

Veronica

Yes.

Ron walks to the front door.

Ron

How was the-

(looks at her)

Sweet Twiggy's Lashes! What did you do to your head?!?

Veronica

I know it's extreme-

Ron

Extreme?!? You look like a man! A sexy-bodied man...

(beat)

wearing makeup.

Veronica

Are you finished?

Ron

How long is it going to take to grow back?

Veronica

I don't know if I want it to grow back. It feels so free and getting ready in the morning is going to be so much easier.

Ron

They aren't going to let you on the news.

Veronica

Because I have short hair? Be serious, Ron. That's discrimination.

Ron

You look like a turned-on light bulb. Viewers are going to be disgusted.

Veronica

Are you disgusted?

Ron moves up close to her. She opens her arms to hug him. Ron pats her crotch.

Veronica

What are you doing?

Ron

Just checking.

Veronica

(hurt)

You said you would love me if I got in a horrible accident and my face was all scarred. Remember that?

Ron

You have to say that. It's the only way to get a woman to do things to you that she doesn't want to do. Besides, even disfigured, at least you'd look like a disfigured woman. Now, you look like Ziggy Stardust if he went to the army.

Veronica

I hate you! I'm going out!

Veronica runs out of the house.

Ron

(out the door)

Go see if the hairdresser can glue your hair back on!

Idea #50

Found on Brick's desk with a paper-clipped note reading "Don't Read. Only Brick." was a file stating the following:

CONFIDENTIAL: National Security Agency (NSA)

July 10, 1976

United States Department of Defense Case # 27425

RE: Twelve casualties at a celebrity golf tournament held in San Diego, California

Special Agent Tamland (Code Name "The Deluge") was inadvertantly triggered by one of the celebrity golfers. Tamland is the second operative trained as part of Project Weatherman. Project Weatherman takes vapid meteorologists and, through hypnosis and intense combat training, creates a super agent controllable by a series of trigger words. The trigger words were picked from a list of uncommon English words and obscure international cities.

The incident took place on the 14th tee. Tamland had just completed his swing. The trigger word was "Chalcis" which is a city in ancient Syria. There is one mention of the city in Homer's "Iliad" which until that day was unknown to the Project. Bruce Hume, a local newspaper columnist and victim of the incident, likes to read aloud Greek poetry after a successful tee shot. On the 14th hole, Hume hit his ball into the fairway. After Tamland hit, Hume read the passage:

"And looked just like the shrill mountain owl
Gods call Chalcis..."

With the trigger spoken, The Deluge was unleashed. Everyone who could identify Tamland was killed instantly as a result of the training. Tamland has been debriefed and believes everyone was struck by lightning. The DOD Cleanup Team arrived on the scene shortly after the incident to corroborate that explanation.

Until further notice, Project Weatherman will be shut down and new agents will not be trained.

Idea #49

The first date between Veronica and Wes Mantooth takes place at a club, very similar to Tino's (the bar Ron took Veronica to on their first date). We look into the evening in flashes.

FLASH 1:

Wes

How do you like this club?

Veronica

It's very nice.

Wes

The San Diego Tribune gave it more stars than Tino's.

FLASH 2:

Wes

I've been taking private lessons on jazz flute. My teacher says I'm quite good, possibly the best in the city. But I don't want to toot my own flute.

He laughs and Veronica nervously chuckles.

FLASH 3:

Wes

I grew a mustache once but it was so thick and luxurious, I got scared that it would distract people from the news that I got rid of it. To me, the news is the most important thing.

FLASH 4:

Wes

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Veronica

Well-

Wes

I see myself in politics. Maybe mayor. Maybe governor. Who knows? All I know is that I'm looking for a good co-engineer to ride the Mantooth train to the top.

FLASH 5:

Wes

This was a nice time. I've got something I've been meaning to ask you.

(leans in)

If you had to rank this first date against all of your other first dates, where would you put it? I know you've dated some interesting people-

Veronica

That's it!

(standing up)

I've sat here listening to you go on and on, goading me into telling you that you're better than Ron Burgundy. You are not. Ron Burgundy has self-respect. Ron Burgundy somehow has more class.

(beat)

Oh, my God. I still love him.

Veronica runs out of the club to return to Ron.

Idea #48

Ron's fifth (and final) PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Ron is sitting opposite Champ dressed as Planet Earth (again, see Idea #40). They are in an interview setting. Brian is off screen and operating the camera.

Brian (O.C.)

Rolling.

Champ

I don't see why I have to wear this stupid costume. I personally like littering. Didn't we already do one with this costume?

Ron

We paid a lot of money for that costume out of the studio's pockets, well Garth's-Regardless, we're going to get our money's worth. Brian, whenever you're ready.

Brian (O.C.)

We're recording.

Ron
Right now? Ok. Suck it up, Champ. Last one. And...

(composes)

Action. Hi, I'm Ron Burgundy and I have a very special guest in the studio today. A warm welcome to Planet Earth. Hello.

Earth Champ

Thanks for having me.

Ron

I brought you on today to talk about littering.

Earth Champ

(fake anger)

Argh!

Ron

I take it you don't like littering.

Earth Champ

I hate it! Do you know how many hurricanes it takes to clean up a single bag of garbage?

Ron

I don't.

Earth Champ

Eight.

Ron

Eight hurricanes for one bag of garbage? Seems high.

Earth Champ

Which one of us is the planet?

Ron
You.

Earth Champ

You think you can do it with less hurricanes?

Ron
I think we're getting off topic. The point is that it's a scientific fact that you, the Earth, make a natural disaster everytime someone litters. Is that safe to say?

Earth Champ

Yes.

Ron

So, let's say I drop a few cans of beer on the grass at lunch...

Earth Champ

Tsunami in Japan.

Ron
Really?

Earth Champ

Yup.

Ron

Well, you heard the Earth. If you don't want to be responsible for large scale murder, don't litter. This has been Ron Burgundy. I'd like to thank my guest, the Earth. Stay classy.

(pause, leans in to Champ)

Should we do it again but not with Japan? I feel like noone's going to care if they get hit. It's still pretty close to W.W. II.

Brian (O.C.)

Still rolling.

Ron

Dammit, Brian! Why didn't you cut after Stay clas-

The camera cuts to a still of Ron and Earth Champ shaking hands. The narrator speaks over the still.

Narrator

You can be good friends with the Earth, too. Don't litter.

Apologies

Was on vacation since Thursday so there have been no new Anchorman 2 Ideas. A new daily streak will begin today. I don't want anyone to think that I'm tapped out at 47 ideas. This retarded train isn't stopping at any stations, it's chugging through.

Idea #47

With the mysterious illness affecting San Diego's male population still confusing doctors (see Idea #43), air and ground travel out of the city has been suspended. Ron arrives at the city border where Brian was reporting from. A large gathering of men surrounds Brian. The National Guard, brought in to enforce the quarantine, are equipped with gas masks. Ron approaches one of the guards.

Ron

Do you know who I am?

Guardsman

Yes I do.

Ron

Good, then as a celebrity, you can allow me to pass to safety.

Guardsman

I'm sorry. I can't do that. Now, please back away, Mr. Burgundy.

Ron walks back to the male mob and huddles them up.

Ron

Gentlemen, if we don't do something soon, we're going to be a lot more gentle than men. I'm going to make one last attempt to appeal to their sense of decency. If that doesn't work, we take them. There are more of us than there are of them.

Brian

But they have guns, Ron.

Ron

They aren't going to shoot us.

Brian

Did you see my earlier report? He fired at me.

Ron

It was a warning shot. Ok, here goes.

Ron turns to face the National Guard.

Ron

Guys, I want you to forget about your military orders. Forget that you are soldiers and remember that you are men. Men with penises. Penises that work. How would you feel if your pants buddy stopped working? What if it was an angry, desperate male mob keeping you in your National Guard town? That wouldn't be nice, now would it? You'd want the mob to let you out, right? Let us out.

Ron walks forward.

Guardsman

Mr. Burgundy, stop walking. You cannot leave the city.

Ron

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Ron turns to tell the mob to charge but a shot is fired. Ron spins and falls. He is clutching his arm and wailing. Brian runs over to him.

Ron

I've been shot! It hurts so bad! Brian, tell me the truth. How bad does it look?

Brian moves Ron's hand. There is a slash through the suit jacket and shirt underneath. A small amount of blood is on the suit. The wound is barely a scratch.

Brian

Ron, it looks fine.

Ron

This is not a time to lie to me! I can take it!

Brian

The bullet barely got you. It went through your suit jacket.

Ron

Oh, God! Not the suit! I loved this suit!

(to the National Guard)

Whoever shot me owes me a new suit! It was Italian!

Brian

Let's get you up.

Brian tries to stand Ron up.

Ron

(to National Guard)

You have to go to Italy and ask for Giancarlo!

Brian sits him up on the pavement.

Ron
(to National Guard)

Tell him you want the Burgundy Speciale!

Ron sits in the middle of the road rubbing his arm.

Idea #46

Veronica and Lady Ron (see Idea #35) go to a salon for a girls day. The steroids are causing a mustache to grow and some pimples to form on the back of Lady Ron's neck which can be seen now that her hair is in a more masculine style. Her voice might be deeper as well. She refuses each treatment as they are offered. Veronica can only look on in stunned silence. Finally, she can't take it anymore and confronts her.

Veronica

Mary?

Lady Ron

It's Ron or Ronnie.

(getting enraged)

It gets me so mad that people still call me Mary!

Veronica

I'm sorry, Ronnie.

Lady Ron

Don't do it again!

Veronica

I don't remember you being this angry. Are you ok?

Lady Ron

I know. I've been taking these vitamins that Champ got and one of the side effects is explosive anger or rage.

Veronica

Do you need to take them?

Lady Ron

Champ wants me to.

Veronica

You don't have to do everything that Champ wants. You don't have to grow a mustache or cut your hair. You were very pretty.

Lady Ron

What the hell! I thought you of all people would understand how nice it is to not have to worry about feminine upkeep. Do you know how easy it is to get up in the morning and not have to put on all that makeup? It takes me fifteen minutes to get ready now. With the shower.

Veronica

Really?

Lady Ron

I say let yourself be as your body wants to be. I haven't shaved my legs in weeks and I get to wear pants every day. You should try it.

Veronica

I don't know.

Lady Ron
I guess you aren't the independent woman you thought you were. You are still holding on to the ideals imposed by men.

Veronica thinks about. She goes from confused to angry as the thoughts rattle around in her brain.

Veronica
You're right!

(to the beautician)

Cut it all off.

(to Lady Ron)

Ron, let me have one of the vitamins.

Cut to ten minutes later. Veronica is looking in the mirror at the buzz cut she just got. She looks like Susan Powter (see below).

Lady Ron (O.S.)

How do you feel?

Veronica

(beat)

Wow, my head feels so free! I love it!

Idea #45

With the backup generators on and few injuries as a result of the panic (see Idea #39), Ron restores order. He stands on top of the news desk and a crowd gathers around. Garth is still tethered with Christmas lights to the support beam.

Ron

Everyone, it looks like Tom from accounting is going to be ok. He's going to need Rabies shots since we don't know where some of you have been.

(laughs)

I'm kidding.

(back to serious)

But seriously, he's going to need stitches on some of those bite marks so hopefully we can get in touch with a doctor soon. Cannibalism after six minutes? That has to be some kind of record. You know who you are. I can see your not proud faces from here. Ok, Ed Harken is not here today so that means, as Anchorman, I'm in charge.

Garth

Actually, Ron-

Ron

Shut up, Garth! We have to remain calm! We don't have time to fight over who's in charge! Champ.

Champ walks over to Garth and attempts to stuff a rag in his mouth. Garth resists. Champ slaps his face but he keeps his mouth taut. Champ pinches the nostrils. Garth eventually gives in and Champ stuffs the rag in his mouth. Champ turns around and gives Ron the thumbs up. Ron nods.

Ron

As you can see, my regime works fast and without hesitation. Who knows how long this hurricane will last?

Brian

Last I heard before the power outage, Channel Nine news said five days. And there's enough food in the cafeteria for about ten.

Ron

Wait. Wait. There's food in the cafeteria and we tried to eat Tom? And did you say Channel Nine news? We don't get our news from Mantooth's team. What does Brick say? Brick?

Brick appears from the back.

Brick

Hi Ron.

Ron

Brick, what are you doing in the back? You're a major character.

Brick shrugs.

Ron

Brick, when's the hurricane going to be done?

Brick

What's a hurricane?

Ron

The storm, Brick.

Brick

Oh. A while.

Ron

A while like five days?

Brick

How long's a day?

Ron

(regrouping)

Ok, I'm sure it will pass soon. Brian, you're in charge of rationing the cafeteria food. Champ, make sure Garth has a fresh rag in his mouth every twelve hours. Everyone else, don't eat each other. We're going to get through this people.

Idea #44

Ron's fourth PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Ron and Brian are in a janitor's closet. It is dark and dirty. Their clothes are ratty and there are dirt smudges on their faces. Ron looks down at the ground and picks up a candy bar with an obvious fake mouse (the kind used to distract kittens) attached to it.

Ron

Look what I found.

Ron smacks the mouse off of it.

Brian

Oh, I'm so hungry. Please share it with me.

Ron

We can't eat the whole thing. We have to save some. We don't know when we'll be this lucky again.

Brian

Why can't we go outside and find food? I'm sure there's food out there. I'm so hungry.

Ron

We can't. The air is poison. If you breathe it, you will die on the spot.

Brian

How did this happen?

Ron

Littering, old friend. Too many people littered.

Brian

Why are people so stupid?

Ron

I don't know. I just wish there was some way that we could go back in time and warn everyone that throwing aluminum cans on the ground or into the sea is wrong.

Brian

They wouldn't believe you.

Ron takes out a camera. He holds his breath, opens the door, reaches his arm outside, and aimlessly clicks the camera button. He closes the door and gasps for breath.

Ron

I would show them these pictures.

Brian

How would you get them developed?

Ron

That's not in the script. Stick-

Ron lunges to attack Brian. The shot cuts to just Ron in the janitor's closet. Brian is missing.

Ron

Oh, why did my friend have to die and that mouse drag him away to eat him? This world is cruel. Maybe if I yell as loud as I can, people in the past would hear me.

(takes a deep breath)

DON'T LITTER! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T LITTER!

(sobbing and yelling)

THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND ME, RON BURGUNDY!

Ron coughs and huddles up with his candy bar as he bites into it. The screen fades to black.

Idea #43

A mysterious illness has broken out in the male population of San Diego. While doctors are baffled, symptoms include a rash, fever, and night sweats. Initially affecting a handful of men, it has reached over one hundred. Ron, with Veronica in the studio, and Brian, in the field, report the latest information.

Ron

We now go back to Brian Fantana on the San Diego border.

Cut to Brian.

Brian

Thanks, Ron. Air travel in and out of San Diego has been suspended and, as you can see, the National Guard has been brought in to stop anyone from leaving the city. Watch. I'm going to try to leave.

Brian runs at the road block. A guardsman points his gun at Brian.

Guardsman

Sir, please stop running! I will shoot you!

Brian stops running.

Brian

They will shoot me in the face if I try to leave.

(to Guardsmen)

Good work, guys.

(to the camera)

Back to you, Ron.

Cut back to Ron and Veronica in the studio.

Ron

This seems bad, Veronica.

Veronica

It is, Ron. I just got news that scientists have found a new symptom: impotence.

Ron

We'll have to bring our resident medical expert in to explain this impotence to all of us that did not go to medical school.

Veronica

Ron, impotence means the inability to perform sexually.

Ron

What? Like you don't feel like it? I'm not following.

Veronica leans over and whispers in Ron's ear to avoid saying anything on air. Ron goes from professional to wide-eyed, crazy man in moments.

Ron

What!?! Not Little Ron!?!

Veronica

Ron, calm down!

Ron

(standing up)

I'm not calming down!

(talking into his mic)

Brian! I'm coming! We're getting out of here!

Ron runs off the set, ripping out his earpiece, pushing people out of the way.

Veronica

After the break, we'll be going back to Brian in the field. Stay tuned.