Idea #54

Ron and Brian, along with a growing portion of the San Diego male population, remain in a stalemate with the National Guard at the city border (see Idea #47). There is yet to be a cure for the mysterious disease affecting San Diego men (see Idea #43). It's been a few hours since Ron's suit has been ruined and he is growing increasingly desperate to save his sexual potency.

Ron

I think our best chance is to bull rush them.

Brian

That was your idea before and it got you shot. They'll just shoot again.

Ron

Don't you think I know that? Some of us are going to have to do the honorable thing and be human shields.

Man #1

You said "us." Does that mean you're willing to be a human shield?

Ron

No that was for camaraderie.

Man #2

That doesn't seem fair.

Ron

Fair? How is it fair for me to get killed? Think about a world without Ron Burgundy. Think about a world without all of the children I will father. All of those handsome boys. You think that would be fair. How many lives do you touch a day?

Man #2

I don't know but-

Ron

I touch over a million. Can you beat that?

Man #2

No but-

Ron

All those in favor of this guy being a human shield, say I.

Man #2

Wait!

Everyone but Man #2 says I.

Ron

(to Man #2)

How many bullets do you think you can take before you fall down? They seem to have a lot so we're going to need a big effort from you.

Man #2

I'm not doing this.

Ron

Come on. We put it to a vote. Do you want to vote again? I think it would come out the same.

Man #2

I'm going home. I'd rather be impotent than dead.

Man #2 leaves.

Ron

Oh, that's a real great attitude.

Brian

Should we stop him?

Ron

No, let him go. There's plenty more guys here willing to be heroes.

(to the male crowd)

Do we have any human shield volunteers?

There is silence.

Ron

(to Brian)

I think you need to volunteer to get the ball rolling. If you say you'll do it, more will follow.

Brian

I don't want to die, Ron.

Ron

You don't have to. You can just chicken out at the end. By then, it will all be in motion.

Man #1

We can hear you.

Ron

Dammit! What kind of a world do we live in that random men won't lay down their lives to save a beloved anchorman from going sterile? I'm just glad my father's not around to see this.