Idea #38

Ron is passed out as a result of holding his breath in defiance at couples therapy (see Idea #32). He has the following dream:

Ron is walking around a carnival. He comes upon a dunk tank that is not filled with water but filled with scotch. Veronica, dressed like a sexy clown, sits on the suspended seat. The target is Dr. Skinner with his face painted to be a bullseye. A bucket of balls appear at Ron's feet along with a rocks glass.

Sexy Clown Veronica

Hey, Ron. Don't bother trying. You have a limp noodle arm to match the limp noodle in your pants.

Ron
How could you say that?

Sexy Clown Veronica

I'm just stating facts. As you would say,

(in her best Ron Burgundy voice)

"It's science."

Ron

That's a terrible impression.

Bullseye Skinner

She's just role playing Ron. This is healthy.

Ron

Stay out of this, Doctor!

Bullseye Skinner

Ron, how does it make you feel to have a limp noodle in your pants?

Ron
I DON'T HAVE A-

Ron screams, picks up a ball, and throws it at Bullseye Skinner but misses. Bullseye Skinner and Sexy Clown Veronica both laugh.

Sexy Clown Veronica

Told you, Doctor.

Sexy Clown Veronica makes a motion with her pinkie. Bullseye Skinner looks over and keeps laughing. Ron looks down to realize he's not wearing any pants. He covers himself up and throws another ball. It hits Bullseye Skinner but nothing happens.

Sexy Clown Veronica

Not hard enough. As usual.

Ron

You're a whore.

Sexy Clown Veronica

I'm only a whore because I have to go elsewhere to get it.

Ron throws another ball and hits Sexy Clown Veronica in the face. She falls into the scotch unconscious. Ron sees that she's not moving and runs over to the dunk tank to get her but the walls of the tank extend up to the sky. There's no way in. Ron grabs a stool and slams it against the side of the tank but it merely bounces off. Ron notices a tap at the base of the tank. He gets the rocks glass and starts filling it. He drinks the scotch as fast as he can.

Ron

I'm coming, Flower!

He can't drink it fast enough. A dog bowl appears at his feet.

Ron

What am I going to do with-

Baxter barks in the distance as Ron turns around to see his beloved canine friend running towards him. He fills the dog bowl from the tap. Baxter and Ron continue to drink the scotch feverishly. The scotch level comes down with the help of a now inebriated Baxter. Soon, Sexy Clown Veronica is lying at the bottom of the tank.

Ron

I love you, Veronica! Don't leave me!

Bullseye Skinner

Let her go, Ron.

Ron

No! Veronica, I love you!

Bullseye Skinner

Ron. Ron.

We dissolve back to Dr. Skinner's office.

Dr. Skinner

Ron, can you hear me?

Ron

(waking up)

I love you, Veronica! Don't leave me!

Veronica

Ron, I'm here.

Ron

What happened?

Veronica

It doesn't matter. I love you.

Ron

I drank all the scotch and saved your clown life.

Veronica

Ok, Ron. One thing though.

Ron

Anything.

Veronica

Can you put your pants back on?

Idea #37

Ron and Veronica banter on the news about the wedding of Charles and Diana.

Veronica

That wedding was just beautiful.

Ron

Yes, like a fairy tale. Call it a hunch, though. I don't think they're going to last.

Veronica

Ron, that's a terrible thing to say. We here at the World News wish them many happy years together.

And the "On Air" light goes off.

Ron

It's just a feeling. If you got a time machine and went far into the future, I bet you would find out that they didn't make it.

Veronica

What is your problem with marriage?

Ron tilts his head and looks off screen. The image dissolves to a young Ron (about 7) fishing with his dad, Papa Burgundy.

Ron

Papa, I can't wait to be older and married like you.

Papa Burgundy

Son, this is important. One day you'll find a girl-

Ron

Like Mommy?

Papa Burgundy

Hopefully not.

Ron

What's wrong with Mommy?

Papa Burgundy

This is a fishing trip. We don't have that kind of time. Getting back to marriage. It may seem like the thing to do. You'll be in love with a woman, so in love that you can picture the wedding with a mountain and a family band made up of your children.

Ron

That sounds nice.

Papa Burgundy

It does. But, Ron, listen to me very carefully. Marriage is for suckers. It starts out nice with the companionship and the having sex but then something happens.

Ron

What, papa?

Papa Burgundy

She starts thinking for herself. She wants an equal say in everything, sometimes more.

Ron

I don't understand.

Papa Burgundy

Son, don't ever get married. Drink a lot of scotch and get with a lot of women but don't ever get married. Now, goodbye Ron.

Papa Burgundy jumps over the side of the boat.

Ron
Papa, what if she's amazing?

Papa Burgundy comes back up from the water.

Papa Burgundy

No matter what.

Papa Burgundy sinks back down and never resurfaces.

Ron

(crying)

Papaaaaaaa!

The image dissolves back to present day.

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

(crying)

Stay away from me! I'm never getting married! Or going fishing!

Ron runs off the set.

Idea #36

Brian Fantana has a successful date with a young woman named Maddy. After some feeble attempts by Brian to get out of continuing the evening, they go back to her place. In the bedroom, Brian is clearly nervous but trying to act like his usual cool self.

Brian

So, what do you wanna do?

Maddy

You.

Brian

(nervous laughter)

And that's going to happen...all...night.

Maddy

(while kissing his neck)

Good. You can do whatever you want to me.

Brian

I'm going to...cover you in oil.

Maddy

(unbuttoning his shirt)

What kind of oil?

Brian

(getting into it)

Motor oil.

Maddy

Where are you gonna get that oil?

Brian

(in his sexiest voice)

At the gas station we passed driving over here.

Maddy

Do you like your girls slippery?

Brian

Slippery...mmmm....and flammable.

Maddy

(kissing his chest)

Are you going to set me on fire with passion?

Brian

Yes, I am. Get ready for a passion fire. Call the passion fire department.

Maddy

You're funny.

Brian

You're sexy.

Maddy

I like that. You know what else I like?

(unbuttons his pants)

What's down here.

Brian

(pulling away)

Whoa...well...he's flattered but...uhh...he...has to get up early in the morning.

Maddy

But he can get up now.

Brian

(laughs and puts shirt on)

Like an erection. You're clever. Listen, let's do this again soon.

Brian gets up and leaves a confused Maddy in her bedroom.

*Adam McKay has stated in the DVD commentary for the movie that Brian has never slept with a woman despite acting like a such a ladies man.

Idea #35

After Ron realizes that Champ is dating a "Lady Ron" and possibly ruining her life (see Idea #23), he decides it is time to have a talk with Champ.

Champ

Hey, Ron. How they hangin'?

Ron

Magnificently but that's not why I asked you here. This is a friendly environment, Champ.

Champ

I know that.

Ron

Ok, well, I wanted to talk to you about Mary.

Champ

She goes by Ron now. You know that.

Ron

Yes. Do you think its odd that she dresses like me now and you call her Ron?

Champ

I'm not following.

Ron turns around and picks up a box off his desk.

Ron

This was on my desk when I got here. It was delivered to my office by mistake. Steroids, Champ? I hope these are for you.

Champ

They're for Ron. I like my women a little hairier.

Ron

Are you in love with me and therefore, ipso facto, trying to turn Mary into me?

Champ

Her name is Ron!

Champ grabs the box and runs out in near tears. Brian walks into Ron's office shortly after.

Brian

How'd it go?

Ron

Not good. Maybe I'll have Veronica talk to Lady Ron next time.

Brian

Make it soon before Lady Ron has a thicker moustache and bigger guns than Man Ron.

Idea #34

Ron's second PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Scene 1 - Brick, poorly dressed like an old lady, is walking through the park. He drops a candy wrapper on the ground as he waddles along. Instantly, Ron Burgundy comes running up to him and punches him in the face, knocking him down. Ron gives thumbs up to the camera.

Scene 2 - A baby stroller is idle on the sidewalk. Out of the stroller comes a rattle which lands on the ground. Instantly, Ron Burgundy bull rushes the stroller sending it tumbling down the sidewalk. A fake baby flies out of the stroller and gets run over by a bus. Ron looks surprised, then crosses his arms and nods.

Scene 3 - A man of indeterminate ethnicity is walking on the beach. He throws a can of soda down to the sand and keeps walking. Instantly, Ron Burgundy jumps in front of him holding a gun. He places the end of the gun on the man's forehead and pulls the trigger. The man takes a bit too long to react and falls down. Ron walks towards the camera.

Ron

Littering is wrong. It doesn't matter if you're an old lady, a baby, or whatever that last guy was. If you litter, you deserve to die. I'm Ron Burgundy saying, 'Don't trash the Earth or I'll trash you.' Stay classy.

Ron smiles as it fades to black.

Idea #33

With rain from the hurricane (see Idea #7) starting to fall and the "Will it float?" test for the ark (see Idea #24) somehow ending in an explosion, Brick tries one last thing. Ron and Brian go to the park to get him. They find him with about thirty umbrellas duct-taped together.

Ron

Hey, Brick, we go on the air soon.

Brian

Yeah, buddy, we need you to do the weather.

Brick

I can't. I'm very busy.

Brick tapes another umbrella to the "super umbrella."

Ron

How many umbrellas is that?

Brick

I think one thousand.

Ron

That's not right.

Brick

I lost count at five.

Brian

The people at the station are pissed that you took their umbrellas. I don't know what they're going to do when they find out what you did with them.

Brick

I'm making a big enough umbrella to block the rain for the whole city.

Brian

This is ridiculous. Why don't you just Saran Wrap the whole city?

Brick

I tried but it didn't go well.

Brick points over by a tree where the trunk is covered in Saran Wrap and a partially wrapped cat is struggling in the grass.

Ron

Brian, can you-

Brian

I'll get the cat.

Brian goes off to unwrap the cat.

Ron

Now, Brick, the best way for you to help San Diego is to report the news. That's going to be better than any horse sacrifice or ark or jum...brella.

Brick

(laughing)

Jumbrella.

Ron

That just came to me.

Brick

It's funny.

Ron

I know. Sometimes my brain is amazing.

Idea #32

Ron and Veronica go to their second session of couples therapy with Dr. Skinner (see Idea #27).

Dr. Skinner

Today, I'd like to focus on sacrifice. Every relationship requires some form of compromise. Ron, what would you like to see Veronica give up?

Ron

(playing an angle)

Nothing. I love everything Veronica does.

Dr. Skinner

Very supportive, Ron.

Ron

Thank you.

Dr. Skinner

Ok, Veronica, your turn. What would you like to see Ron stop doing?

Veronica

I'd like to see him stop drinking scotch.

Ron

What?!?

Dr. Skinner

Ron, let Veronica finish.

Veronica

You drink too much.

Ron

This is absurd. I did the nice thing and said you were perfect and-

Dr. Skinner

Are you saying you lied about not wanting to change things about Veronica?

Ron

I figured that if I said she shouldn't change anything, she would-

Dr. Skinner

Ron, this is about honesty.

Ron

I see that. Brutal honesty. I'm not giving up scotch.

Dr. Skinner

Relationships are about compromise.

Ron

I don't know what that word means. Is that even a real word?

(beat)

I have some things she could give up.

Veronica

Doctor, these aren't going to be real things.

Ron

Yes, they are.

Dr. Skinner

Ron, are these things you are about to say things you really want Veronica to change or just a reaction to Veronica wanting you to stop drinking?

Ron

I really want her to change these things.

Dr. Skinner

Ok, Ron.

Ron

I want her to stop being a huge bitch.

Veronica

I told you, Doctor.

Dr. Skinner

Ron, this is not constructive.

Ron

My back's against a wall here, Doc. I'm swinging my arms in self-defense. Give up scotch? Why don't I just stop breathing? You would love it if I stopped breathing, you harpy.

Ron crosses his arms and holds his breath.

Dr. Skinner

Ron, stop that. Breathe, Ron.

Ron violently shakes his head like a child. Ron eventually passes out.

Idea #31

Ron asks Baxter what he should do with Veronica.

Ron

Baxter, we go way back.

Baxter
Woof.

Ron

That's right. 1970. You came free with a suit I bought at Jenkins' Suits & Kennel. They went out of business fast.

Baxter

Woof. Woof. Woof.

Ron laughs.

Ron

You did last longer than the suit. Ah, orgies. You should never dress too nicely for them. Anyway, Baxter, I need your advice on this Veronica situation.

Baxter

Woof. Woof.

Ron

That's not very ni-

Baxter

Woof. Woof. Woof.

Ron

I do wear the pants

Baxter

Woof.

Ron

I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap. Where did you learn that word? Women do not like to be called that. Probably even dog women.

Baxter

Woof. Woof.

Ron

You've been watching "Super Fly" again, haven't you?

Baxter

Woof. Woof. Woof.

Ron
Veronica is not The Man. Ok, there's no talking to you when you're like this.

Ron grabs his coat and heads for the door.

Ron

I needed you tonight, Baxter. I hope you know you hurt me.

Ron leaves.

Idea #30

After Ron gets his fifth ticket for littering in a public park, his heart tells him (along with the hefty fines and court order) that he should do something to stop it. Ron creates a series of Public Service Announcements against littering. This is one of the PSAs he pitched to Keep America Beautiful:

A car drives by and throws a can out the window. The can rolls to the feet of a Native American. The camera pans up to show a tear trickling down the Indian's face. A hand holding a tissue reaches into the frame. The camera pulls back to show Ron offering the tissue and patting the Indian on the shoulder.

Ron

I know, Indian. Littering is the worst thing a person can do.

The Indian wipes his tear.

Ron

Now, let's go run those bastards off the road.

Ron and the Indian jump into a car and peel off.

Idea #29

Excerpt from the Hall of Fame Induction Speech of Merlin Olsen (1982):

"...and that was my mother.

But the person who was probably the biggest influence on my life is my good friend, Ron Burgundy. I met Ron in 1969 at a charity event for kids with something wrong with them. We were sitting at a table together and we got to talking. I told him how I was thinking of quitting football and going into acting full time. I had just done a movie with John Wayne and Rock Hudson and it felt good. His face went serious and he looked me right in the eye and said, 'Merl, can I call you Merl?' I nodded. 'Merl, that movie was a piece of crap. The only reason it made any money was because it immediately followed True Grit. You need to be on the football field. What are they gonna do with a Fearsome Threesome? It sounds stupid. Don't be an idiot, Merl. Get your head on straight.' He didn't talk to me the rest of the night. He just drank his scotch. Obviously, I stayed in football and I had some of the best years of my career. I sent Ron-How many 'I'm Sorry' baskets did I send you?"

Ron shouts out from the crowd, "I think five."

"He held out but eventually he accepted and we're great friends to this day. If I could have his head sculpted to fit on the shoulder of my Hall of Fame bust like some Siamese twin and placed in that building behind me, I would. Ron Burgundy, I owe so much of this to you."

Ron shouts out from the crowd, "I'll just take that fine, gold jacket."

"It's yours.

And now a list of people that deserve no credit for me being here..."

Idea #28

Champ Kind, after getting a bit more than his usual number of cocktails in him, sneaks into Sea World after hours. As he is known to do, he heads over to the whale tank and takes his pants off. At the time, a new member of the Sea World staff was in the whale tank taking measurements and samples. Upon seeing Champ's naked lower half, the staff member got distracted and accidentally swam into a female whale's private area. While trapped inside up to his waist, the staff member swears to have seen an exact replica of Jack Murphy Stadium. No arrests were made.

Idea #27

Ron and Veronica go to couples therapy with Dr. Skinner.*

Dr. Skinner

Ron, why are you here?

Ron

Because she made me.

Dr. Skinner

Well, you came. That's a good first step. Tell me, Ron, what do you want to get out of this?

Ron

I want to go back to Pleasure Town.

Dr. Skinner

I'm sorry?

Ron

It's a magical place with unicorns and a sex rainbow. I want to go back there.

Veronica

It's always the sex rainbow. Give it up, Ron.

Ron

Shut up, you She-Desert.

Veronica

Doctor!?!

Dr. Skinner

Ron, why do you call her a She-Desert?

Ron

I have a thirst for her loins, Doctor. Can you blame me? But, no matter how I navigate or approach her body, she won't let me quench my thirst.

Dr. Skinner

That's very poetic, Ron.

Ron

Thank you. Plus, sometimes her legs feel like a cactus.

Veronica

This is ridiculous.

Ron

You're ridiculous!

Dr. Skinner

Veronica, this is a safe place. Ron should be allowed to express himself so we can see what he feels is the problem. From what I hear, it sounds like he misses the intimacy.

Ron

I do. Intimacy is sex, right?

Dr. Skinner

It can be. Maybe for next time, you can try some new things in the bedroom to spice things up.

Ron

Like butt intimacy?

Veronica

I'm driving home. You can walk.

Veronica gets up and storms out. Ron gets up and follows after her.

Ron

It was just a question. You're the one that wanted to come here.

*I envision the therapist as played by Andrew Daly who was amazing as the Tropics announcer in Semi-Pro.

Idea #26

Other Things Done By Chris Harken:

-- Traded his dad's car for a six pack of beer

-- Put a rabid squirrel in a post office mailbox

-- Set the school mascot on fire during halftime by firing a flaming arrow from 100 yards

-- Casually presented his book report while strapped with dynamite

-- UTP'd the principal's house (U = Used)

-- Murdered a hobo

-- Stole a tank and invaded Mexico

-- Led a large group of people to a settlement in Guyana which he named Harkentown

-- Went to Africa and returned to California with a monkey he saw some guy banging

-- Told Ron Burgundy that he had "bad hair"

Idea #25

Ron reacts to footage of a two-year-old's appearance on "The Mike Douglas Show"

Ron

That was young Tiger-Am I getting that right?-Tiger Woods. Two years old. Amazing. Too bad he won't remember what will probably be his only time on television.

Veronica

I like that name, Tiger.

Ron

Tiger Burgundy. It could work. Puts a lot of pressure on him in the bedroom though.

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

You're right. What am I saying? Burgundy men don't have problems where it counts.

(beat)

Well, from all of us at World News, congratulations to Tiger Woods and you stay classy, Planet Earth.

Idea #24

With the hurricane approaching (see Idea #7) and the failure of the intended horse sacrifice (see Idea #19), Brick starts a new plan to save San Diego. When he doesn't show up for work, Ron goes to Brick's house and finds him building something out of wood.

Ron

Hey, Brick, you didn't show up for work today.

Brick

I know. I'm building this ark.

Ron

If I'm not mistaken, an ark is a boat, right?

Brick

Yup, I'm almost done.

Ron

Really? Almost done? You've nailed three two-by-fours into a triangle.

Brick

I want to save San Diego.

Ron

Brick. Sweet Brick. That's noble. It really is but I don't think all of San Diego is going to fit on your ark.

Brick

It would be tight.

Ron

Do you know how many people live in San Diego?

Brick

Thirty.

Ron

There's more than thirty people working at Channel 4 News.

Brick

I thought the news station was San Diego.

Ron

Then, where do you live, Brick?

Brick

I don't know. I call it Not San Diego.

Ron

Why don't I help you finish this ark so you can come to work tomorrow?

Brick

Ok, Ron, here are the blueprints I drew.

Brick hands Ron a typical rolled-up blueprint. Ron unrolls it to reveal an amazing drawing of a ship. It is intricate and full of detail as if drawn by a naval architect.

Ron

Brick, you drew these?

Brick is sanding one of the corners of the wooden triangle.

Brick

Yeah, I just can't get the front to match.

Idea #23

Brian Fantana approaches Ron about Champ's Lady Ron (see Idea #5).

Brian

I wanted to talk to you about Champ's lady friend.

Ron

Oh, she's exquisite. A real handsome woman.

Brian

That's the thing, Ron. Haven't you noticed something odd about her?

Ron

Not really. We had them over for dinner the other night and Baxter really took a shine to her.

Brian

Really? That's sweet. Ron, she looks just like you!

Ron

That's ridiculous. I have a mustache.

Brian

Sometimes she does too. He puts one on her when they do the deed.

Ron

That can't be true.

Just then, Champ walks up with Lady Ron who is in a suit and tie sporting a new haircut just like Ron's.

Champ

Hey guys.

Both

Hi Champ.

Champ

You like Rhonda's makeover? We just had it done. I think she looks amazing.

Brian

Rhonda? I thought her name was Mary.

Champ

Her middle name's Rhonda. Ever since I found out, I just call her that. Or Ronnie. Or Ron. Ain't that right, sweetie?

Lady Ron nods.

Ron

Well, Champ. Rhonda. Brian and I have to go talk about...the-

Brian

-the non-sports or women thing.

Champ

You know I'm not interested in that. See you guys later.

Idea #22

Ron reports a recent news item.

Ron

Divers, off the coast of Virginia, have discovered the wreckage of an old, wooden ship that is believed to have brought ammunition and relief to the Union forces during the Civil War. The ship's name was the U.S.S. Diversity. This anchor would like to acknowledge the divers for their incredible discovery and add one final thing:

SUCK IT, ED HARKEN!

Idea #21

Realizing that the slandering of Wes Mantooth is not working to get Veronica back (See Idea #20), Ron tries to bring about jealousy. He shows up at work with a voluptuous, bimboish, young lady. In front of Veronica, he tells the woman to stand just off camera so he can be inspired by her beauty. She giggles and walks away, only to stand in front of the camera. Ron waves at her to move. After some time, she is next to the camera and out of the way. Ron collects himself.

Ron

That could be you.

Veronica

That could never be me.

Ron

You can always get bigger boobs. I'd support that. I'd support you in anything.

Veronica

I didn't mean-She's vapid, Ron.

Ron looks over at the girl confused.

Veronica

Do you not know what vapid means?

Ron

Of course I do. It's...German...for...fast.

Veronica

(Baffled sarcasm)

That's right, Ron. I wanted to tell you that she was German fast.

Ron

I don't see how that's relevant.

Veronica

You're right. I'm sorry. You seem perfect for each other. I don't know what came over me.

Ron smiles to himself thinking it worked.

Idea #20

Still in love with Veronica and angry that she's dating, of all people, Wes Mantooth (See Idea #12), Ron sets out to get her back by slipping news items into the broadcast.

This just in: Veronica looks lovely today.

When we return: Wes Mantooth robs a liquor store.

After the break: Is Veronica Corningstone returning to her old position? Coanchor of my Heart? Stay tuned.

Scientists have found that all men named Wes have really small penises.

Wes Mantooth has the same credit rating as The Human Torch.

Wes Mantooth doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom.

Wes Mantooth is spotted eating a reuben with russian dressing on it. Looks like someone's picking sides in the Cold War.

Wes Mantooth kicks a baby zebra at the zoo. Was this caught on tape? No, but trust me, he kicked that baby zebra right in his baby zebra nards.

Wes Mantooth took a dump on Lincoln's grave.

Wes Mantooth has the clap in two different places on his body. Doctors are baffled.

Wes Mantooth is voted Worst Man of All Time by Time Magazine.

Idea #19

Brick Tamland takes up worshipping Poseidon when he can't make sense of how a trident appeared out of nowhere during the news team rumble. Feeling his duty as a weatherman is to not only report but to stop the impending hurricane (see Idea #7), he sets out to quell Poseidon's wrath. Ron finds Brick in the parking lot outside the news studio holding a miniature pony, filling a kiddie pool with a hose, and singing a paean.

Ron

What are you doing, Brick?

Brick

I'm going to drown this horse so the storm goes away.

Ron

I don't think that's a good idea.

Brick

Do you know another way to make Poseidon happy?

Ron

Off the top of my head, you can build him a temple or have a Panhellenic festival. By the way, that kiddie pool is overflowing.

Brick

You're right. This was stupid.

Ron

Brick. Look at me. First, you really have to turn off that hose. Second, I don't know another weatherman that would resort to animal sacrifice to make it nice out. You, my friend, are great.

Brick

Thanks, Ron.

Ron

Sure thing. Now, let's go return that pony.

Idea #18

Veronica announces that gold has hit 880 dollars per ounce.

Ron

Uh oh. Looks like someone's going to have to wait longer to get that engagement ring.

Veronica

You weren't going to buy me a ring.

Ron

I was too and it was going to be made out of so much gold your hand couldn't support it. You'd need a wagon for your hand but now...

Veronica

A wagon huh? Was there going to be a diamond on this giant ring?

Ron

How much are diamonds?

Veronica

More than gold.

Ron

No, just gold.

Idea #17

Ron Burgundy is invited to Japan to shoot a commercial for a Japanese scotch that "hits the spot." Reluctantly, Ron agrees to everything the director wants despite being repeatedly turned down for asking if he could say, "I like my scotch like I like my women: Asian." The video would also include Baxter and be modeled after the following video complete with the getting-knocked-on-your-ass reaction shot to the first sip.

Idea #16

Champ Kind, after being fired from his job as sportscaster for sexually harassing every female member of the Channel Four News staff, gets a second life as host of the new game show "Press Your Luck." Unfortunately, Champ had to leave the show because he took the contestants' shouting of "No Whammy, No Whammy, Stop!" as a personal attack, thus resulting in him physically attacking them back.

Idea #15

Brick Tamland, determined to have a really good pants party, goes to a Big and Tall shop to get pants large enough to accomodate 3 or 4 people at the same time. Brick invited everyone he knew but no one showed up to see the amazing luau enviroment he adorned the size 80 slacks with. Drunk on Aztec punch, Brick tripped over his grass skirt while moving from the right leg to the left, knocking over a tiki torch. The fire department arrived quickly to put out the pants and Brick was treated for smoke inhalation. The pants were condemned by the city for not meeting building codes.

Idea #14

Veronica announces that "Cats" will be opening on Broadway and she will let the world know how it is as she has tickets to the premiere.

Ron

Singing cats? That's not gonna last.

Veronica

Well, you're coming with me.

Ron

No, I already have a dog at home. I'll watch him "perform."

Ron does the mock anchor person laugh and the show ends. Later that night, Veronica drags Ron to the show. They exit the theater and Ron is crying but trying to hide it.

Veronica

Are you crying?

Ron

No, there was a lot of dander in there. I must be allergic.

Veronica

I think you were touched by the story.

Ron (breaking down)

How could I not be? Grizabella was all alone in the moonlight. Nobody liked her and then they chose her at the end. Why can't people be like cats?

Ron grabs the microphone from a nearby reporter and shouts at the camera.

Ron

Everyone should see this! I wanna see it a hundred more times!

Idea #13

With his car out of fuel and stranded on the side of the road, Brian Fantana remembers something Ron said and pours the remainder of his Sex Panther cologne in the gas tank. The car proceeds to go 40 miles on only 5 ounces. Realizing the potential, Brian opens Fuel Panther. Unfortunately, the world's panther population is eliminated after two fillups. Feeling bad about causing major extinction, Brian frames the five dollar bill he got for the fillups and writes across Lincoln's face, "We'll Never Forget You, Every Panther."

Idea #12

Ron and Veronica's on air fighting leads them to separate. One day, while walking through the park, Ron sees Veronica hand-in-hand with Wes Mantooth.

Wes

Well, if it isn't Ron Burgundy.

Ron

Mantooth. Anchor-whore.

Wes

How do you like my new girlfriend?

Ron

I don't. That's why I dumped her. I always knew you were a fan of second, Wes. I just didn't know you liked it sloppy.

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

Quiet, Peach Blossom. Men are talking.

Idea #11

Covering a story about the first personal computer:

Veronica

The computer will cost 1795 dollars and be called the Osborne 1.

Ron

After the legendary Nebraska football coach, Tom Osborne, what an honor.

Veronica

That can't be right.

Ron

Oh, yeah. Who would you name a computer after?

Veronica

Probably the guy who invented it.

Ron

They should have named it after you: The Stupid Bitch 2000

Idea #10

Veronica reports that Iraq has named Saddam Hussein President of Iraq to which Ron responds, "Call it journalistic instinct but I have a good feeling about that guy."

Idea #9

After announcing the success of the first test tube baby, Ron turns to Veronica.

Ron

Veronica, do you think it's just as hard to put a baby in a tube as it is to put one of those ships in a bottle?

Veronica

Well, Ron, they don't actual-Yes, yes I do.

Ron

Amazing. But, when you and I make a baby, I want a real one, not one that goes on our mantle.

Veronica

Right. In other news...