Friday, September 5, 2008
Ron is back with Channel Four News (see Ideas #96, #97, and #98). He has a new office (see Idea #99). He goes out on his ritual pre-news walk to clear his head.
Ron walks through the park. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a twenty dollar bill moving through the grass. He heads for it. As the bill comes to a stop, Ron reaches down to pick it up. As he grabs one side of the bill, a manicured hand grabs the other side. Ron and a beautiful woman lock eyes.
Aren't you Ron Burgundy?
Why yes I am.
I grew up fantasizing about you.
I stood up fantasizing about you. I'm still fantasizing.
Take me, Ron Burgundy! I want to be yours forever!
She jumps at Ron and kisses him.
Wow! I want you to be mine forever.
They keep kissing and fall into the grass.
Cut to the news station. Ron and Brian are getting their makeup done.
You are not going to believe what happened at the park today?
I found twenty dollars and the woman of my dreams.
What's her name?
You know it never came up.
But her dad is a billionaire. She loves my voice. She has two vaginas. She loves jazz flute. She-
Hold up. She has two vaginas?
Yup and one of them is still a virgin. She's saving that for our wedding night but if it's anything like the other one...oh baby.
Sounds like you had a good walk.
Best ten minutes of my life. Now, let's knock this show out of the park.
Cut to the end of the news telecast. Ron addresses the camera.
The toddler sang Brahms' "Lullaby" and the grizzly bear fell asleep right there in their living room. Amazing. Well that's going to do it. I'm so glad to be back and, as always, you stay classy, San Diego. I've missed you. Good night.
And we're out.
Great show guys. Ron, welcome back.
Congratulations, Ron. The ratings are in.
That was fast, Ed.
It really was. Anyway, number one! Let's all celebrate.
Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ celebrate and jump up and down.
Freeze on Champ. Written below him: "Champ Kind fell out of sports after a scandal involving him and Joe Theismann. He opened a tattoo parlor that only sold tattoos for ladies' lower backs. Business boomed. There are currently fifteen Champ's Tramp Stamps locations on the West Coast."
Freeze on Brick. Written below him: "Brick Tamland, tired of not understanding much of anything people were saying, signed up for human testing of an experimental surgery that increased the intelligence of a lab mouse. It worked and he became vastly smarter. Intelligence was a burden, though. He was aloof and stopped talking to Ron and Brian. Learning that the lab mouse regressed back to its original intelligence and died, Brick attempted to use his new mental capacity to stop it from happening to him. Sadly, Brick could not work fast enough and went back to his original self. The next day, he got the new issue of Highlights in the mail and forgot all about it. Brick loves finding the hidden pictures."
Freeze on Brian. Written below him: "Brian Fantana became a consultant for men that want to come up with cool names for their penis and testicles. He owns a ranch in Arizona."
Freeze on Ron. Written below him: "Ron Burgundy married Beautiful Woman (or 'B Dubs' as he calls her) five days after his return. Ron finished his career as an anchor for the number one-rated news station in San Diego in 1994. Ron and B Dubs currently live in Solana Beach with their three heterosexual (specified by Ron) sons."