Idea #45

With the backup generators on and few injuries as a result of the panic (see Idea #39), Ron restores order. He stands on top of the news desk and a crowd gathers around. Garth is still tethered with Christmas lights to the support beam.

Ron

Everyone, it looks like Tom from accounting is going to be ok. He's going to need Rabies shots since we don't know where some of you have been.

(laughs)

I'm kidding.

(back to serious)

But seriously, he's going to need stitches on some of those bite marks so hopefully we can get in touch with a doctor soon. Cannibalism after six minutes? That has to be some kind of record. You know who you are. I can see your not proud faces from here. Ok, Ed Harken is not here today so that means, as Anchorman, I'm in charge.

Garth

Actually, Ron-

Ron

Shut up, Garth! We have to remain calm! We don't have time to fight over who's in charge! Champ.

Champ walks over to Garth and attempts to stuff a rag in his mouth. Garth resists. Champ slaps his face but he keeps his mouth taut. Champ pinches the nostrils. Garth eventually gives in and Champ stuffs the rag in his mouth. Champ turns around and gives Ron the thumbs up. Ron nods.

Ron

As you can see, my regime works fast and without hesitation. Who knows how long this hurricane will last?

Brian

Last I heard before the power outage, Channel Nine news said five days. And there's enough food in the cafeteria for about ten.

Ron

Wait. Wait. There's food in the cafeteria and we tried to eat Tom? And did you say Channel Nine news? We don't get our news from Mantooth's team. What does Brick say? Brick?

Brick appears from the back.

Brick

Hi Ron.

Ron

Brick, what are you doing in the back? You're a major character.

Brick shrugs.

Ron

Brick, when's the hurricane going to be done?

Brick

What's a hurricane?

Ron

The storm, Brick.

Brick

Oh. A while.

Ron

A while like five days?

Brick

How long's a day?

Ron

(regrouping)

Ok, I'm sure it will pass soon. Brian, you're in charge of rationing the cafeteria food. Champ, make sure Garth has a fresh rag in his mouth every twelve hours. Everyone else, don't eat each other. We're going to get through this people.

Idea #44

Ron's fourth PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Ron and Brian are in a janitor's closet. It is dark and dirty. Their clothes are ratty and there are dirt smudges on their faces. Ron looks down at the ground and picks up a candy bar with an obvious fake mouse (the kind used to distract kittens) attached to it.

Ron

Look what I found.

Ron smacks the mouse off of it.

Brian

Oh, I'm so hungry. Please share it with me.

Ron

We can't eat the whole thing. We have to save some. We don't know when we'll be this lucky again.

Brian

Why can't we go outside and find food? I'm sure there's food out there. I'm so hungry.

Ron

We can't. The air is poison. If you breathe it, you will die on the spot.

Brian

How did this happen?

Ron

Littering, old friend. Too many people littered.

Brian

Why are people so stupid?

Ron

I don't know. I just wish there was some way that we could go back in time and warn everyone that throwing aluminum cans on the ground or into the sea is wrong.

Brian

They wouldn't believe you.

Ron takes out a camera. He holds his breath, opens the door, reaches his arm outside, and aimlessly clicks the camera button. He closes the door and gasps for breath.

Ron

I would show them these pictures.

Brian

How would you get them developed?

Ron

That's not in the script. Stick-

Ron lunges to attack Brian. The shot cuts to just Ron in the janitor's closet. Brian is missing.

Ron

Oh, why did my friend have to die and that mouse drag him away to eat him? This world is cruel. Maybe if I yell as loud as I can, people in the past would hear me.

(takes a deep breath)

DON'T LITTER! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T LITTER!

(sobbing and yelling)

THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND ME, RON BURGUNDY!

Ron coughs and huddles up with his candy bar as he bites into it. The screen fades to black.

Idea #43

A mysterious illness has broken out in the male population of San Diego. While doctors are baffled, symptoms include a rash, fever, and night sweats. Initially affecting a handful of men, it has reached over one hundred. Ron, with Veronica in the studio, and Brian, in the field, report the latest information.

Ron

We now go back to Brian Fantana on the San Diego border.

Cut to Brian.

Brian

Thanks, Ron. Air travel in and out of San Diego has been suspended and, as you can see, the National Guard has been brought in to stop anyone from leaving the city. Watch. I'm going to try to leave.

Brian runs at the road block. A guardsman points his gun at Brian.

Guardsman

Sir, please stop running! I will shoot you!

Brian stops running.

Brian

They will shoot me in the face if I try to leave.

(to Guardsmen)

Good work, guys.

(to the camera)

Back to you, Ron.

Cut back to Ron and Veronica in the studio.

Ron

This seems bad, Veronica.

Veronica

It is, Ron. I just got news that scientists have found a new symptom: impotence.

Ron

We'll have to bring our resident medical expert in to explain this impotence to all of us that did not go to medical school.

Veronica

Ron, impotence means the inability to perform sexually.

Ron

What? Like you don't feel like it? I'm not following.

Veronica leans over and whispers in Ron's ear to avoid saying anything on air. Ron goes from professional to wide-eyed, crazy man in moments.

Ron

What!?! Not Little Ron!?!

Veronica

Ron, calm down!

Ron

(standing up)

I'm not calming down!

(talking into his mic)

Brian! I'm coming! We're getting out of here!

Ron runs off the set, ripping out his earpiece, pushing people out of the way.

Veronica

After the break, we'll be going back to Brian in the field. Stay tuned.

Idea #42

The annual Fourth of July party for the station kicks off. This is not to be confused with yesterday's Third of July party or tomorrow's Fifth of July party. Ron, Brian, and Brick are standing around reminiscing about Independence Day shindigs of years past.

Brian

How about the time you put the sparkler down Garth's pants?

Ron

That was priceless.

Brian

And he looked like he had a sparkly tail.

Ron

He got third degree burns before anyone would help him.

Brian

He was pretty mad about that one actually.

Brick

(laughing)

Sparkly tail.

Brick walks away still laughing.

Ron

Or what about the time Champ brought that girl who was dressed like Uncle Sam and he was dressed as Lady Liberty?

Brian

Of course. How many chances to do get to see Lady Liberty give it to Uncle Sam on the front lawn?

They both pause (See Idea #35).

Brian

I guess we should have seen this whole Lady Ron thing coming sooner.

Ron

I guess so.

(beat)

Where did Brick go?

Brian
I don't know.

A scream starts in the distance. Ron and Brian look over as the scream gets louder and closer. They watch as Garth runs by with a sparkler sticking out of the back of his pants. Brick comes back.

Brick

(points in direction Garth ran)

Sparkly tail.

Brian

Nice. Hey, Brick, remember the party that you blew up the news van?

Brick

Nope.

Brian

Really? The fire department came and you were brought in for questioning?

Brick

(laughing)

Remember when I put that sparkler in Garth's butt?

Ron

Brick, that just happened. Like 2 seconds ago.

Brick just keeps laughing.

Idea #41

Brian decides it is time to admit to Ron that he is a virgin after the last disaster with a woman (see Idea #36). Brian goes into Ron's office. He looks nervous.

Brian

Ron, I need to talk to you.

Ron

Ok.

Brian closes all the blinds and puts a chair under the door handle.

Ron

Are you taking me hostage? Remember when the crazy guy from the mail room did it? He got none of his demands and a beating from police. And then I beat him while the police held him.

Brian

I can't have anyone walk in here while I tell you this.

Ron

(pointing to wall)

Then you might want to plug that hole in the wall from the office next door. Champ uses it to watch me.

Brian sees the hole.

Brian

I thought you talked to him.

Ron

I did but I'm like a drug. You can't quit Burgundy cold turkey. So, I let him have the spy hole.

Brian

Is there any way to plug it temporarily?

Ron

I don't know.

(at the wall)

Champ! Is there any way to plug that hole so Brian and I can talk?

Champ (O.S.)

Nope. This is my lunch break. You promised. Do you want some Cracker Jacks?

Ron

(delighted)

I'd love some.

Ron goes over to the wall hole and cups his hand under it. Cracker Jacks fall into his hand.

Ron

Brian, Cracker Jacks?

Brian

No thanks, Ron. I'm going to go. Maybe we can talk another time.

Ron

Next week might work. Champ's going on vacation. Where are you going, Champ?

Champ (O.S.)

(beat)

Um...Antarctica.

Ron

Isn't it cold? Why are you going there?

Champ (O.S.)

I like penguins?

Ron

Why don't you just go to the zoo? It's warmer.

Champ groans in frustration.

Champ (O.S.)

I'm not going on vacation, Ron. I lied. I wanted you to look natural when I watched through the hole. Sometimes it seems staged.

Ron

I didn't realize.

Champ (O.S.)

Yeah.

(beat)

More Cracker Jacks?

Ron

Do you have to ask?

Cracker Jacks come through the hole in the wall as Brian leaves the room disappointed.

Idea #40

Ron's third PSA pitch (see Idea #30 and Idea #34):

The setting is the park. Champ is wearing a giant, round bubble. It is crudely painted to look like the Earth. His arms and legs extend out from holes in the bubble.

Scene 1 - Earth Champ runs over to a jogger and throws a soda can at him.

Scene 2 - He throws a ketchup packet at a woman sitting on a bench and quickly runs away.

Scene 3 - He knocks over a man playing fetch with his dog. Earth Champ pins the man to the ground and stuffs a piece of paper in his mouth. Earth Champ leans over the man's face.

Earth Champ

How do you like it? Huh?

The man makes muffled noises through the paper. Earth Champ makes a hocking noise indicating a loogie is imminent. Ron steps into frame blocking Earth Champ and the man.

Ron

It's not so much fun when the situation's reversed, is it?

The spit sound is heard from behind Ron.

Ron

Hi, I'm Ron Burgundy telling you, "Don't litter. It pisses off the Earth." Stay classy.

Ron smiles at the camera while the woman from Scene 2 runs in and starts hitting Champ with her purse. Ron turns around to help as it fades to black.

Idea #39

The rain from the hurricane is coming down hard (see Idea #7). Flooding has begun and the winds are topping eighty miles per hour. A state of emergency has been declared by the Governor of California asking everyone to stay where they are. With the news being interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System, there's only one thing to do...party, Channel 4 News-style.

Ron is standing next to a partially decorated Christmas tree holding a beverage. Garth Holladay walks up to him nervously.

Ron

(shouting off camera)

I want all the Christmas lights hooked up! I want this place to look jolly!

Garth

Uh, Ron. The Governor is asking us to conserve power.

Ron

Garth, that's nonsense. I'm trying to boost morale. Don't you want good spirits?

(raising his glass)

In more ways than one.

Garth

But when the power goes out-

Ron

Garth, it won't. Now, shut up and have a drink.

Garth

Ron, with Ed not here, I'm in charge and I'm going to have t-to insist that you stop wasting electricity.

Ron puts his hand on Garth's shoulder.

Ron

Is that what you really want?

Garth

It is.

Ron

Ok.

(beat)

Champ!

Garth

What's he gon-

We fade to black and come back to see Garth wearing a Santa hat. The camera pans down to show him tied to a support beam using Christmas lights that are lit. Ron walks up to him holding a drink with a straw. There is lots of partying and laughing going on in the background. Music is playing over the news speakers.

Ron

Sorry about that but you were pooping on the party. Have a sip.

Ron puts the straw up to his lips. Garth takes a sip.

Garth

God, what is that? It burns.

Ron

I know. One of the camermen made this in the ladies bathroom sink. It's awful but I feel bad not drinking it. He tried so hard.

(beat)

Now, as you can see, everyone is happy and we are just going to ride out the storm here in one big celebration. There was no need to worry about losing pow-

There is a loud thunder clap. The building shakes and the lights go out. There is screaming.

Ron

EVERYBODY PANIC! OH GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!