Goodbye Anchorman 2 Blog

It was retardedly fun writing these. I want to thank everyone who read any entry on here. It means so much to me. I'm a little sad that it's over but it doesn't look like I'm going to write Anchorman 2 so it has to end. Hold on, the phone's ringing. Could it be? Nope, it's my mom. It's times like these I wish Adam McKay was my mom. Anyway, good bye Anchorman 2 blog. I can't wait to write the Anchorman 3 blog.

Take care,

Kevin Tor

Idea #100

Ron is back with Channel Four News (see Ideas #96, #97, and #98). He has a new office (see Idea #99). He goes out on his ritual pre-news walk to clear his head.

Ron walks through the park. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a twenty dollar bill moving through the grass. He heads for it. As the bill comes to a stop, Ron reaches down to pick it up. As he grabs one side of the bill, a manicured hand grabs the other side. Ron and a beautiful woman lock eyes. 

Beautiful Woman

Aren't you Ron Burgundy?

Ron

Why yes I am.

Beautiful Woman

I grew up fantasizing about you.

Ron

I stood up fantasizing about you. I'm still fantasizing.

Beautiful Woman

Take me, Ron Burgundy! I want to be yours forever!

She jumps at Ron and kisses him.

Ron

Wow! I want you to be mine forever.

They keep kissing and fall into the grass.

Cut to the news station. Ron and Brian are getting their makeup done.

Ron

You are not going to believe what happened at the park today?

Brian

What?

Ron

I found twenty dollars and the woman of my dreams.

Brian

What's her name?

Ron

You know it never came up.

(beat)

But her dad is a billionaire. She loves my voice. She has two vaginas. She loves jazz flute. She-

Brian

Hold up. She has two vaginas?

Ron

Yup and one of them is still a virgin. She's saving that for our wedding night but if it's anything like the other one...oh baby.

Brian

Sounds like you had a good walk.

Ron

Best ten minutes of my life. Now, let's knock this show out of the park.

Cut to the end of the news telecast. Ron addresses the camera.

Ron

The toddler sang Brahms' "Lullaby" and the grizzly bear fell asleep right there in their living room. Amazing. Well that's going to do it. I'm so glad to be back and, as always, you stay classy, San Diego. I've missed you. Good night.

PA (O.C.)

And we're out.

Garth Holliday

Great show guys. Ron, welcome back.

Ron

Thanks, Garth.

Ed Harken

Congratulations, Ron. The ratings are in.

Ron

That was fast, Ed.

Ed Harken

It really was. Anyway, number one! Let's all celebrate.

Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ celebrate and jump up and down.

Freeze on Champ. Written below him: "Champ Kind fell out of sports after a scandal involving him and Joe Theismann. He opened a tattoo parlor that only sold tattoos for ladies' lower backs. Business boomed. There are currently fifteen Champ's Tramp Stamps locations on the West Coast."

Freeze on Brick. Written below him: "Brick Tamland, tired of not understanding much of anything people were saying, signed up for human testing of an experimental surgery that increased the intelligence of a lab mouse. It worked and he became vastly smarter. Intelligence was a burden, though. He was aloof and stopped talking to Ron and Brian. Learning that the lab mouse regressed back to its original intelligence and died, Brick attempted to use his new mental capacity to stop it from happening to him. Sadly, Brick could not work fast enough and went back to his original self. The next day, he got the new issue of Highlights in the mail and forgot all about it. Brick loves finding the hidden pictures."

Freeze on Brian. Written below him: "Brian Fantana became a consultant for men that want to come up with cool names for their penis and testicles. He owns a ranch in Arizona."

Freeze on Ron. Written below him: "Ron Burgundy married Beautiful Woman (or 'B Dubs' as he calls her) five days after his return. Ron finished his career as an anchor for the number one-rated news station in San Diego in 1994. Ron and B Dubs currently live in Solana Beach with their three heterosexual (specified by Ron) sons."

Idea #99

Ron skips day three of training because he felt he got all he needed from days one and two (see Ideas #97 and #98). He is ready to return to his old spot as anchorman of Channel Four News. His first day back begins at the station. Ron and Brian walk through the cubicles to Ron's office.

Brian

Not that we knew you were coming back but we didn't want anyone to have your office so we kinda retired it.

They arrive at Ron's office. Champ and Brick are waiting there. Champ is holding bolt cutters. There's a big padlock on the door.

Ron

Wow.

Brian

No one has used or gone in your office since you left in 1977.

Ron

So no one's been in there?

Brian

Nope.

Ron

Not even a cleaning person. It's probably covered in dust and cobwebs.

Champ

Not with this padlock. I put it on myself.

Ron

Champ, you know a padlock can't keep out dust and spiders or any insect for that matter.

Champ

Are you sure?

Ron

(stares with confusion at Champ)

Why don't we just open her up?

Champ uses the bolt cutters to break the padlock. The lock falls to the ground. Ron opens the door. Ron ducks as a bird flies past him and into the station. The window in his office is open.

Ron

That window's been open for six years. I-

(composes himself)

I need a new office. It's a fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh office.

Brian

New office. Sure. No problem. There's one over here.

Ron, Brian, and Champ walk away but Brick stays and stares into Ron's old office. There is a lion's purr.

Champ

Brick, you coming?

Brick

I'm going to play with the kitty.

Brick goes in the office and closes the door. There is a loud roar and a crash. After a moment, Brick laughs.

Brick (O.S.)

My turn, kitty.

There is another loud crash.

Cut to Ron, Brian, and Champ at an empty office.

Ron

This will do just fine.

(beat)

Wanna go grab a drink?

Champ

Sure.

Brian

You know it!

Ron

It's good to be back.

Ron, Brian, and Champ walk through the station to leave.

Cut to the closed door of Ron's old office.

Ron (O.C.)

Brick, you coming?

Brick opens the door. His suit is torn and there's blood all around his mouth. 

Brian

Yup.

Idea #98

Ron is in Day Two (see Idea #97) of training for his return to Channel Four News. The song "Eye of the Tiger" still plays.

Cut to Ron sitting at the breakfast table. His face is smeared with black newspaper print all over the right side. He takes a deep breath and lifts a spoon with shredded newspaper on it.

Ron

Are you sure about this? Isn't the ink poisonous?

Cut to Brian putting strawberries and bananas into a blender.

Brian

You have to eat, drink, and sleep the news. I can't think of a more literal way to do that.

Brian puts a newspaper in the blender and hits the button to blend it all.

Cut to Ron putting the spoon with the shredded newspaper into his mouth and chewing regrettably. 

Ron

(mouth full)

This is going to go badly.

Cut to Ron working a punching bag with Champ behind it. Cut to the front to show Wes Mantooth's face at the top of the bag. Ron lets out a flurry of punches and then screams as he goes for the knockout blow.

Cut to Ron doing Tai Chi.

Cut to Ron watching tapes of himself when he was in his prime at Channel Four News.

Cut to Ron vomiting in the bathroom.

Ron

Oh, God! It's black! I think I'm dying!

Cut to Brick wearing a Ronald Reagan mask. Ron is sitting next to Reagan Brick.

Ron

Mr. President, why do we need a Strategic Defense Initiative? What are you not telling the American people?

Brick

(bad Reagan impression)

It's precautionary. There's nothing to worry about.

Brian

Get in there.

Ron

Sir, that is a lie.

Brick

(bad Reagan impression)

No comment.

Brian

Force him to answer.

Ron gets up to attack Reagan Brick but Champ, dressed like Secret Service, pushes Ron back into his seat. Ron thinks. He gets up and leaves the house.

Ron

I'll be right back.

Cut to Reagan Brick looking sad.

Ron (O.C.)

You're going to talk or-

Cut to Ron with a gun at a monkey's head.

Ron

It's bedtime for Bonzo.

Brick

(bad Reagan impression)

Ok! I'll talk!

(regular voice)

Don't hurt the monkey!

Brian

Nice, Ron.

Brick takes the monkey and hugs it.

Ron

I think I'm ready.

Brian

But we have a whole third day of training.

Ron

No, I feel ready now.

Brian

Are you sure?

Ron

Yup.

Brian

I spent a lot of money on training supplies for tomorrow.

Ron

Do you have receipts?

Brian

Most of it was bought on the black market.

Ron

Oh.

(beat)

Sorry.

Brian

Yeah.

Idea #97

Ron readies himself to return to the position of anchorman at Channel Four News (see Idea #96). Brian, Champ, and Brick come over to Ron's house.

Ron

Alright, gentlemen, I need to get back into top anchoring form.

"Eye of the Tiger" starts playing. The words "DAY ONE" appear at the lower left as Ron's head appears over a level surface like he's doing a pull-up. He takes his right hand off the surface and points off camera.

Ron

Over there!

Ron returns to below the level surface. The camera pulls back to show a news desk and Ron pulls himself up from behind it again.

Brian (O.C.)

Where's the news?

Ron

I don't see it!

Brian (O.C.)

Where's the news? Find it, Ron! Find it!

Ron

I don't see it!

(beat then pointing)

There! There!

Cut to Brick peeking out from behind the news camera holding cue cards. Cut to Champ high-fiving Ron.

Cut to Ron running with a microphone next to Brick wearing a gray wig, a dress, and crown. Brian and Champ ride next to them in a truck. Joggers are jumping out of the way.

Ron

Your highness! Queen Elizabeth! Queen Elizabeth! Ron Burgundy, Channel Four News! A few questions!

Brick

(in bad old lady British accent)

No, thank you. Just getting in my morning run.

Brian

Try harder!

Ron

Please, your highness! Just a moment of your time! 

Brick

(in bad old lady British accent)

What is it?

Ron

How is your health?

Brian

Ask the tough questions!

Ron

What?!?

Brian

How is your health?!? That's a question a number two station asks! Do we want number two?!?

Ron

No!

(gathers breath)

Your highness, is it true that Prince Charles and Lady Di are having problems?

Brian

Good!

Ron doubles over and vomits.

Tune in tomorrow for Day Two.

Idea #96

Ron arrives at Ed Harken's office (see Idea #95). He is all cleaned up and looking sharp. Ed and Ron shake hands followed by Ed motioning Ron to sit, which he does.

Ron (see Idea #22)

I just want to say I'm sorry about that whole Diversity thing. I was cocky and I guess I didn't care if I burned some bridges.

Ed

Well, it's water under the bridge and we can use that water to put out the bridge fire.

Ron

That's good. I miss this place. This is where I became The Ron Burgundy.

Ed

I'm sure you've read about the station's ratings.

Ron

Nope.

Ed

Right. Well, we are now third in San Diego and we want you to bring us back to first.

Ron

I can do that. Who's first?

Ed

Wes Mantooth and Channel Nine.

Ron

I thought Mantooth left.

Ed

He did but he came back last year and rocketed Channel Nine to the top.

Ron

That is unacceptable. Ed, I will bring Channel Four back to number one. Wes Mantooth? More like Wes Girltooth. Or even Wes Tooth. Cause there's nothing manly about him.

Ed

I get it. When can you start?

Ron

Give me three days and I'll be back and ready to go.

Ed

Done.

Ron gets up and shakes Ed's hand. Ron heads out the door.

Ed

And Ron?

Ron turns back.

Ed

Everyone's counting on you.

Idea #95

Brian goes to Ron's house. The year is 1983. Brian is holding a pet cage. He rings the doorbell. Nothing happens. He rings it again and looks through a window.

Brian

(shouting)

C'mon, Ron! Open up! You can't stay in there forever!

Ron, with a full beard and looking horrible, opens the door. Brian pushes his way in.

Brian

You lost your job two months ago.

Ron

I'm not in the mood.

Brian

It's not your fault that World News couldn't compete with CNN.

Ron

Yes, it is. I told them we could do what CNN did but in two hours because I didn't want to spend that much time at the station. So, Veronica and I had to talk really fast to get it all in. We lost viewers quicker than "Joanie Loves Chachi." The human brain can't process information that fast.

Brian

I didn't know all of that.

Ron

Yeah.

Brian

Hmmm

(beat)

Well, I got you something that will cheer you up.

Brian goes into the animal cage and pulls out a little puppy. He is a terrier mix just like Baxter. Brian holds the dog in his arms.

Ron

(almost in tears)

That looks like...

Brian

Baxter, I know. I got him for you.

Brian brings the dog to Ron.

Brian

I figured since it's been over a year since you lost him. Now, you can't feed this one whole wheels of cheese.

Ron

I won't. That was really stupid. Once he did it the first time, I was so impressed that I just kept leaving wheels of cheese in the fridge every time I left the house. That dog was not well.

Brian

No, the house kinda still smells like it.

Ron

Actually, that's me. Thanks, Brian. You're a good friend.

Brian

One last thing. I talked to Ed Harken. He wants you back.

Ron

Really?

(beat)

I don't know if I'm ready.

Brian

I think you are. Come down to the station tomorrow.

Ron nods.

Brian

And take a shower first.

Brian walks to the door.

Ron

You got it.

Brian leaves.

Ron

(to dog in his arms)

Hey, I'm going to take a shower and then we are going to get into bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I got some PJs for you. They might be a little big though. They were worn by a really good friend of mine. I don't think he would mind you borrowing them, though.