Idea #94

Ron guest stars on "The Muppet Show." The scene opens with Ron Burgundy in a leather jacket sitting on some bleachers. He is surrounded by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo the Rat.

Gonzo

Hey, I wanna hear about what Ron did at the beach.

All

Yeah!

Ron

It was nothin'.

Fozzie

(sarcastic)

Sure, nothin' Burgundy. Right.

Rizzo

C'mon, Ron.

Gonzo

C'mon. Tell us about the girl.

Cut to a scene at a lunch table with Miss Piggy surrounded by Camilla, Olivia Newton-John, and Janice.

Janice

What did you do this summer, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy

I spent most of it at the beach. I met a human.

Olivia Newton-John

You went all the way to the beach for some human?

Miss Piggy

This human was special.

Olivia Newton-John

There ain't no such thing. I should know.

Miss Piggy

He was really romantic and he had a great mustache.

Cut back to Ron and the guys on the bleachers.

All

C'mon, man. Tell us.

Ron

Oh, boys, the snout on this girl. But you don't want to hear about that.

Fozzie

Are you kidding me?

Ron

Alright, I'll tell you.

They break into a rousing rendition of "Summer Love" replacing every "girl" with "pig" and every "boy" with "human." We pick up with the last verse. Ron and Miss Piggy have their backs to each other but are unaware of each other's presence. It's more for stage effect.

Miss Piggy

(singing)

It turned colder, that's where it ends

Ron

(singing)

So, I told her, we'd still be friends

Miss Piggy

(singing)

Then we made, our true love vow

Ron

(singing)

She was a pig, the size of a cow

Both

(singing)

Summer breeze between two species but, oh, those summer nights

All

Tell me more, tell me more

Ron and Miss Piggy look sad as the girls and guys look on. The screen fades to black.

Idea #93

Champ and Brian set up a fake beauty pageant at the news station after hours to get more attractive girls to pay attention to them. Brick agrees to be a judge with them and Ron will be Master of Ceremonies. Participants in the beauty pageant are "one of each" according to Champ: Mabel (brunette), Jackie (red), Holly (blonde), and Lupe (not white). Ron comes out in a nice tuxedo holding a microphone that is not plugged into anything.

Ron

Welcome to the Miss Lower San Diego Pageant. In our...uh...fifteenth year of operation. Let's have the ladies come out and walk around.

Mabel, Jackie, Holly, and Lupe walk around in dresses and heels.

Ron

Thank you ladies.

(beat)

While they are getting dressed, let's meet the judges.

Ron walks over to the judges at their pushed together desks.

Ron

Champ Kind who is currently single.

Champ

I am.

Brian

The very handsome Brian Fantana.

Brian

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Brick

And Brick Tamland...the...uh...weatherman.

Brick

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Ron

Ok, enough chit chat, let's get on with the show. Our first event is the Evening Gown comp-

Champ

Bathing suit!

Ron

Excuse me.

Champ

Let's start with bathing suits.

Ron

Splendid idea. Ladies? Bathing suits.

Champ

Two piece!

Ron

Two piece bathing suits. Let's go go go.

The women go back inside to change with confused looks on their faces.

Brian

That was great, Champ. Who cares about dresses?

Champ

I know. It just hit me. I was thinking, "I want to see more skin." And it popped into my head: swimsuits.

Brian

Amazing.

Ron walks over to the dressing room (Ron's office). He cracks the door, then knocks.

Ron

Are you girls almost ready?

(staring)

Nice, Holly.

Ron closes the door.

Ron

They're ready.

(beat)

Come on out, ladies! First is Mabel. She is a woman. She likes to swim, apparently. Next, we have Jackie with boobies. Then, Holly who is even better topless and finally, Lupe who is foreign.

The girls walk out in their bikinis.

Ron

And the judges will tally scores while you get ready for the talent-

Champ

No talent. I want to see Holly in Jackie's bikini, Lupe in Holly's, Jackie, in Mabel's, and Mabel in Lupe's.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want to see Jackie in Lupe's, Holly in Mabel's, Mabel in Jackie's, and Lupe in Holly's.

Lupe

But I'm in Holly's.

Champ

And you look fantastic.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want Jackie in nothing, Holly in peanut butter and jelly, Mabel in my lap, and Lupe in Holly's. You really look great in it.

Mabel

Is this a real pageant?

Ron

Twenty years running.

Holly

You said fifteen before.

Ron

Did I? Well, this pageant, in particular, is fifteen years but we've been running pageants for twenty.

Mabel

I don't think there is a Miss Lower San Diego Pageant.

Brian

What? Do you think this is some not-so-elaborate ruse to get hot, sexy women to spend an evening with us?

Mabel

Yes.

Brian

Then you as observant as you are attractive. Let's cut the bull and party. How does that sound?

The girls look at each other and shrug.

Holly

We got nothing else to do.

Champ

Sounds like a yes to me. Dibs on Lupe.

Lupe

Can I change?

Champ

Sorry, no.

Idea #92

Ron arrives on the set of "Mork and Mindy." He does not know what to expect. Pam Dawber is the first person he runs into.

Pam Dawber

Ron Burgundy? I'm Pam Dawber. I play Mindy.

Ron

(grabs her hand and kisses it)

Enchanted.

Pam Dawber

I saw you on "The Love Boat." You're very good.

Ron

How nice of you to say. I'd like to hear more about how good I am. How about after the shoot-

Robin Williams comes running up.

Robin Williams

Hey, you must be Ron Burgundy. Although you seem more of a Ron Peach or a Ron Tan. It's going to be a lot of fun on the set today. We tend to get a little crazy. What am I saying, a lot of crazy.

(makes some crazy noises and hand gestures)

Boop. Bop. Wang.

Ron

(extends hand)

Nice to meet you.

Robin Williams

(shakes hand)

I'm Robin Williams but you can call me

(acts demure and talks in high-pitched voice)

Mrs. Funnybritches. I do so love that you're on the show.

(clears throat)

I hate when she comes out.

(smacks own face)

Bad Mrs. Funnybritches!

(high-pitched voice)

Oooo!

(regular voice)

Bad!

(smacks own face)

That should take care of her. So, you're a news man.

(puts finger to ear)

This just in: Mork and Mindy is very excited to have Ron Burgundy on the set. Coming up after the break: hula hoops: fun toy or dangerous geometry?

Ron stares on in shock as Robin Williams pretends to hula hoop while getting hurt.

Robin Williams

Help! Stop this thing! It's hurting me! I can't stop swiveling my hips! I must look like Elvis.

(Elvis voice)

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one goes out to Ron Burgundy.

(to Heartbreak Hotel)

When Ron Burgundy showed up

He stood open-mouthed and stared

At Robin Williams hula hooping

Around like Elvis, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened

Ron Burgundy's frightened and wants to go home.

Robin Williams goes into a knee slide with arms extended out. He's fake heavy-breathing like at the end of a Broadway number. Pam Dawber and all the crew erupt in applause. Robin Williams stands up and waves around appreciative.

Robin Williams

Thank you. You're too kind. Now, you're not kind enough. Ok, too kind again.

(walks up to Ron)

Well, Ron, how did you like your Welcome Wagon. Although it wasn't much of a wagon. It was more of a Welcome-

Ron

Village Idiot?

Robin Williams

(turns to him seriously)

What did you call me?

Ron

A Welcome Village Idiot. It's funny.

Pam Dawber waves her arms in the background trying to stop Ron. Robin Williams' eyes turn all white. His already hairy arms become more so. He lets out a scream that turns into a howl. Before Ron's eyes, Robin Williams begins to change. He rises three feet in height. His clothes rip from his body as he gains muscle mass. His hands turn into massive claws with razor-sharp nails. His mouth and nose extend out from his face into a snout. Werewolf Robin Williams snarls menacingly over Ron. Drool drips down and splashes the floor by Ron's shoes.

Werewolf Robin Williams

(deep voice)

That was a big mistake.

As Werewolf Robin Williams crouches down to launch himself at Ron, two men with stun guns zap Werewolf Robin Willaims. He convulses and falls to the ground. One of the men puts his stun gun away and pulls out a syringe. They inject it into Werewolf Robin Williams' arm. He slowly turns back into a sweaty, naked, less hairy, regular Robin Williams.

Cut to Ron Burgundy at the age of 70 on his porch. A young boy sits across from him. They are drinking lemonade. 

Ron

That was the most scared I've ever been.

Young Boy

Wow, Grandpa, no wonder why Robin Williams still gets work.

Ron

It's hard to say no to a werewolf. It's best to just smile, laugh, and wait for it to be over.

(beat)

Shall we go see how your grandma's doing with those brownies?

Young Boy

Oh boy!

Grandpa Ron and the young boy go inside the house.

Ron (O.S.)

Pam, how are those brownies coming?

Idea #91

Fresh off his critically-acclaimed turn on "The Love Boat" (see Idea #s 87, 88, and 89), Ron gets offers from many hit television shows. Ron sits in his office with Champ, Brian, and Brick.

Ron

So, I'm supposed to play Ponch's brother though I think I look more like the other guy and then I'm going to be on this show, "Mork and Mindy" with some comedian named Robin Williams.

Champ

Do you think-

Ron

I'm not done talking.

Champ

Sorry.

Ron

And then I'm doing "The Muppet Show" where I sing a song with Miss Piggy.

(beat)

Now, you may speak Champ.

Champ

Do you think you can get me a part on any of these shows?

Ron

I'd love to but, seriously, you are not an attractive man.

Champ

(accepting)

That's true.

Ron

They only put amazingly handsome gentlemen like myself. If anyone here could get a part, it would be Brian but that would be stretching it as he's only eighty percent amazingly handsome.

Brian

(upbeat)

Thanks, Ron.

Ron

Don't mention it.

Brick

My mom says I'm handsome.

Ron

Amazingly handsome?

Brick

(dejected)

No, just regular handsome.

Ron

Look, guys, if I get my own show, I promise to have each of you on it in small parts or cast really great looking people in the parts you were supposed to get but have your names in the credits instead of theirs.

Brian

That doesn't sound like a good deal.

Ron

It's a limited time offer.

Brian

How could it-

Champ

(leans in to Brian)

I think we should take it.

Brick

(leans in to Brian and Champ)

Me too.

Brian

Fine, we'll take it.

Ron

Great. Now, leave my office. I need to get some sleep.

Champ, Brian, and Brick stand up to exit.

Brian

The news starts in twenty minutes.

Ron

Then wake me in fifteen. How hard is this? That's it. Brick's part played by someone else is going to be bigger than yours.

Brian

But-

Ron

Champ's too.

Brian

Crap.

Ron

And when you wake me, I like three taps on the shoulder. I can't stand shaking. That is all.

Champ, Brian, and Brick leave Ron's office. Ron takes out two cucumber slices and puts them on his eyes and then leans back in his chair.

Idea #90

After having a great kissing scene with Ann-Margret on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #89), Ron finds himself making out with her in her dressing room.

Ann-Margret

(heavily breathing, in between kisses)

This is wrong. I have a husband.

Ron

I warned you about my lips.

Ann-Margret

I should have believed you. Carry me to the bed.

Ron lifts her up and lays her down on the bed. He rips open her blouse exposing her bra.

Ann-Margret

Nobody can know about this.

Ron

I will tell no one.

Cut to next day at the office. Ron is sitting in his office with Brian, Champ, and Brick.

Ron

I totally bagged Ann-Margret.

Champ

How was she?

Ron

A tigress. She said I was better than Elvis.

Brian

Does that complete the set?

Brick

What set?

Ron

Yes it does.

Ron stands up and walks over to a portrait of himself hanging on the wall. He swivels it out from the wall to reveal a safe. Meticulously, he enters the combination and the safe door opens. He pulls out a scroll. He lets the end fall and it unrolls across the office carpet.

Ron

You see Brick, growing up, Elvis was the biggest sex symbol there ever was. I knew that if I wanted to be the greatest sexual specimen in the universe, I was going to have to be better than Elvis. I compiled a list of every woman Elvis has ever been with: Cybill Shepherd, Peggy Lipton, Cher, and so on.

Champ

You slept with Cher?

Ron

I did and everyone else on this list except Ann-Margret.

(beat)

Until now.

Champ

What's that other pile of papers in the safe?

Ron

These are all written letters attesting to the fact that I am a better lover than Elvis. And now I can add Ann-Margret to the list.

Ron removes a letter from his pocket. He unfolds it and puts it on top of the pile in the safe.

Ron

Now I am the greatest lover of all time!

Ron raises his fist and stands triumphant for a moment. Then, he puts his fist down.

Ron

That took longer than I expected. Elvis was a real man whore.

Brick

What are you going to do next?

Ron

I don't know. I got this five hundred piece puzzle of a country chateau. Maybe I'll tackle that next.

Brian

I'm hungry. You wanna get lunch?

Ron

Yeah, I could really go for Italian.

Ron leaves everything where it was (scroll on floor, safe open) as he and the guys walk out of the office.

Idea #89

Ron is on the set of "The Love Boat." He and the director had some problems in an earlier scene (see Idea #88) but Ron has kept to the script lately knowing it would get him to this scene. The current scene is the kiss between Ron and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret

Now, Ron, I'm sure you'll be a gentleman despite your attraction to me.

Ron

Ann-Margret, I'm shocked! I just hope you can resist these lips. For decades, women have been getting lost in them.

Ann-Margret

So, if anything happens, it's my fault.

Ron

Entirely.

Jim Hubert

Ok, everyone. Scene forty-four. Let's get Ron ready.

Two guys with buckets come up to Ron. They soak him in water. The hair and makeup girl comes over and combs his hair nicely. 

Jim Hubert

Positions.

Ron is held to look like he's hanging from the boat by two men dressed like deck hands. Bernie Kopell is standing behind the two deck hands. Ann-Margret stands next to Gavin MacLeod.

Jim Hubert

Action!

The two deck hands drag Ron onto the boat. Bernie Kopell tends to him.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

What happened?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

I was walking along the deck and he yelled out, "I'll get it!" as he dove past me off the boat.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

Do you know him?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

We met on the ship and he's been...trying to get my attention. I hope he's ok.

Ron coughs out some water.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

He's going to be fine. A little water down the wrong pipe.

Ron groans. His right hand is closed tightly in a fist. He sits up.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Take it easy, Mr. Barnes.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

You dropped this.

Ron opens his fist to show a diamond earring. Ann-Margret looks at it and checks her ear in shock.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

My earring!

Ann-Margret squats down to take it from him but remains at Ron's level with a look of wonder on her face.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

I saw you walking on the deck and I saw this sparkle fall from your ear and bounce off the boat. I remember how you told me they were your grandmother's earrings and how much they meant to you. I knew you would be upset if you lost it. Before I could talk myself out of it, I jumped.

Ann-Margret leans in and kisses Ron. She lingers a bit and parts from him.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

You're wonderful.

They kiss again.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Well, I guess he's fine.

Everyone else walks away as the Ron and Ann-Margret kiss.

Jim Hubert

Cut. That was great everyone. Shall we do another take?

Ron

Yes! I mean for safety's sake if that's ok with Ann.

Ann-Margret

Another take would be nice.

Ann-Margret smiles at Ron.

Ron

(hastily)

Where are those buckets! Places people!

Idea #88

Ron arrives on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #87). He meets with Jim Hubert, the director of this episode.

Jim Hubert

Ron, nice to meet you.

Ron

A pleasure. I'm a big fan of the show.

Jim Hubert

I like to move quickly through scenes. Do you know your lines?

Ron

I like to improvise in the manner of Chevy Chase or Billiam Murray. I know what the scenes call for.

Jim Hubert

We don't improvise here. While you're in makeup, go over them some more. I want you to know them backwards and forwards.

Ron

Absolutely.

Cut to the bar set. Cameras are aimed at the desired locations. Ron is sitting at the bar. Ted Lange is behind the bar as Isaac. Ann-Margret is at the end of the bar and no one is located between them.

Jim Hubert

Places and...action!

Ron and Ann-Margret exchange glances. There may be interest.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac?

Ted Lange comes over.

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Mr. Barnes, what can I do for you? Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Yeah, two more. Let me ask you. Who is that fine piece of tail at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

(to Ron)

Ron, please stick to the script.

Ron

(lifts glass)

Quick question. Can we have some real scotch in here instead of this apple juice?

Jim Hubert

No. Let's get ready for take 2. If you need a line, Ron, ask for it.

Ron

Got it.

Jim Hubert

Quiet on the set and...action!

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Sure. Isaac, who is that sweet piece of sugar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

Flash forward. Take eight.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who is that at the end of the bar and tell me she's not a hooker?

Jim Hubert screams in anger.

Flash forward. Take fifteen.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that a General at the end of the bar because my little soldier's saluting?

Jim Hubert kicks over his director's chair.

Flash forward. Take thirty-two.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that Ann-Margret's sexy twin?

Ron winks at Ann-Margret. She smiles. Jim Hubert punches the cameraman. 

Flash forward. Take forty-one.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, I'm going to lick that girl's toes. What's her story?

Jim Hubert tries to attack Ron but assistants hold him back.

Flash forward. Take forty-five.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who's the little lady at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut! That was the right line.

Cameraman

(with black eye)

We ran out of film halfway through.

Jim Hubert

Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ron walks up to Ann-Margret.

Ron

I know I was just playing a character but I meant everything I said.

Ann-Margret

That's very sweet of you but I'm married.

Ron

Really?

Ann-Margret

Yes, for ten years now.

Ron

Wow. Is there any chance you'd like to break your vows for this?

Ron indicates himself.

Ann-Margret

If I was a woman of lesser morals, absolutely.

Ron

You're too kind.

Jim Hubert

Ok, we have film. Ron, can you do it the same way as take forty-five?

Ron

I can do it better.

Jim Hubert

I'm looking for the same.

Ron

Suit yourself.

Come back tomorrow for the kissing scene.