Idea #51

Veronica comes in the front door after her salon day with Lady Ron (see Idea #46). Ron hears the door open.

Ron (O.S.)

Honey, is that you?

Veronica

Yes.

Ron walks to the front door.

Ron

How was the-

(looks at her)

Sweet Twiggy's Lashes! What did you do to your head?!?

Veronica

I know it's extreme-

Ron

Extreme?!? You look like a man! A sexy-bodied man...

(beat)

wearing makeup.

Veronica

Are you finished?

Ron

How long is it going to take to grow back?

Veronica

I don't know if I want it to grow back. It feels so free and getting ready in the morning is going to be so much easier.

Ron

They aren't going to let you on the news.

Veronica

Because I have short hair? Be serious, Ron. That's discrimination.

Ron

You look like a turned-on light bulb. Viewers are going to be disgusted.

Veronica

Are you disgusted?

Ron moves up close to her. She opens her arms to hug him. Ron pats her crotch.

Veronica

What are you doing?

Ron

Just checking.

Veronica

(hurt)

You said you would love me if I got in a horrible accident and my face was all scarred. Remember that?

Ron

You have to say that. It's the only way to get a woman to do things to you that she doesn't want to do. Besides, even disfigured, at least you'd look like a disfigured woman. Now, you look like Ziggy Stardust if he went to the army.

Veronica

I hate you! I'm going out!

Veronica runs out of the house.

Ron

(out the door)

Go see if the hairdresser can glue your hair back on!

Idea #50

Found on Brick's desk with a paper-clipped note reading "Don't Read. Only Brick." was a file stating the following:

CONFIDENTIAL: National Security Agency (NSA)

July 10, 1976

United States Department of Defense Case # 27425

RE: Twelve casualties at a celebrity golf tournament held in San Diego, California

Special Agent Tamland (Code Name "The Deluge") was inadvertantly triggered by one of the celebrity golfers. Tamland is the second operative trained as part of Project Weatherman. Project Weatherman takes vapid meteorologists and, through hypnosis and intense combat training, creates a super agent controllable by a series of trigger words. The trigger words were picked from a list of uncommon English words and obscure international cities.

The incident took place on the 14th tee. Tamland had just completed his swing. The trigger word was "Chalcis" which is a city in ancient Syria. There is one mention of the city in Homer's "Iliad" which until that day was unknown to the Project. Bruce Hume, a local newspaper columnist and victim of the incident, likes to read aloud Greek poetry after a successful tee shot. On the 14th hole, Hume hit his ball into the fairway. After Tamland hit, Hume read the passage:

"And looked just like the shrill mountain owl
Gods call Chalcis..."

With the trigger spoken, The Deluge was unleashed. Everyone who could identify Tamland was killed instantly as a result of the training. Tamland has been debriefed and believes everyone was struck by lightning. The DOD Cleanup Team arrived on the scene shortly after the incident to corroborate that explanation.

Until further notice, Project Weatherman will be shut down and new agents will not be trained.

Idea #49

The first date between Veronica and Wes Mantooth takes place at a club, very similar to Tino's (the bar Ron took Veronica to on their first date). We look into the evening in flashes.

FLASH 1:

Wes

How do you like this club?

Veronica

It's very nice.

Wes

The San Diego Tribune gave it more stars than Tino's.

FLASH 2:

Wes

I've been taking private lessons on jazz flute. My teacher says I'm quite good, possibly the best in the city. But I don't want to toot my own flute.

He laughs and Veronica nervously chuckles.

FLASH 3:

Wes

I grew a mustache once but it was so thick and luxurious, I got scared that it would distract people from the news that I got rid of it. To me, the news is the most important thing.

FLASH 4:

Wes

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Veronica

Well-

Wes

I see myself in politics. Maybe mayor. Maybe governor. Who knows? All I know is that I'm looking for a good co-engineer to ride the Mantooth train to the top.

FLASH 5:

Wes

This was a nice time. I've got something I've been meaning to ask you.

(leans in)

If you had to rank this first date against all of your other first dates, where would you put it? I know you've dated some interesting people-

Veronica

That's it!

(standing up)

I've sat here listening to you go on and on, goading me into telling you that you're better than Ron Burgundy. You are not. Ron Burgundy has self-respect. Ron Burgundy somehow has more class.

(beat)

Oh, my God. I still love him.

Veronica runs out of the club to return to Ron.

Idea #48

Ron's fifth (and final) PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Ron is sitting opposite Champ dressed as Planet Earth (again, see Idea #40). They are in an interview setting. Brian is off screen and operating the camera.

Brian (O.C.)

Rolling.

Champ

I don't see why I have to wear this stupid costume. I personally like littering. Didn't we already do one with this costume?

Ron

We paid a lot of money for that costume out of the studio's pockets, well Garth's-Regardless, we're going to get our money's worth. Brian, whenever you're ready.

Brian (O.C.)

We're recording.

Ron
Right now? Ok. Suck it up, Champ. Last one. And...

(composes)

Action. Hi, I'm Ron Burgundy and I have a very special guest in the studio today. A warm welcome to Planet Earth. Hello.

Earth Champ

Thanks for having me.

Ron

I brought you on today to talk about littering.

Earth Champ

(fake anger)

Argh!

Ron

I take it you don't like littering.

Earth Champ

I hate it! Do you know how many hurricanes it takes to clean up a single bag of garbage?

Ron

I don't.

Earth Champ

Eight.

Ron

Eight hurricanes for one bag of garbage? Seems high.

Earth Champ

Which one of us is the planet?

Ron
You.

Earth Champ

You think you can do it with less hurricanes?

Ron
I think we're getting off topic. The point is that it's a scientific fact that you, the Earth, make a natural disaster everytime someone litters. Is that safe to say?

Earth Champ

Yes.

Ron

So, let's say I drop a few cans of beer on the grass at lunch...

Earth Champ

Tsunami in Japan.

Ron
Really?

Earth Champ

Yup.

Ron

Well, you heard the Earth. If you don't want to be responsible for large scale murder, don't litter. This has been Ron Burgundy. I'd like to thank my guest, the Earth. Stay classy.

(pause, leans in to Champ)

Should we do it again but not with Japan? I feel like noone's going to care if they get hit. It's still pretty close to W.W. II.

Brian (O.C.)

Still rolling.

Ron

Dammit, Brian! Why didn't you cut after Stay clas-

The camera cuts to a still of Ron and Earth Champ shaking hands. The narrator speaks over the still.

Narrator

You can be good friends with the Earth, too. Don't litter.

Apologies

Was on vacation since Thursday so there have been no new Anchorman 2 Ideas. A new daily streak will begin today. I don't want anyone to think that I'm tapped out at 47 ideas. This retarded train isn't stopping at any stations, it's chugging through.

Idea #47

With the mysterious illness affecting San Diego's male population still confusing doctors (see Idea #43), air and ground travel out of the city has been suspended. Ron arrives at the city border where Brian was reporting from. A large gathering of men surrounds Brian. The National Guard, brought in to enforce the quarantine, are equipped with gas masks. Ron approaches one of the guards.

Ron

Do you know who I am?

Guardsman

Yes I do.

Ron

Good, then as a celebrity, you can allow me to pass to safety.

Guardsman

I'm sorry. I can't do that. Now, please back away, Mr. Burgundy.

Ron walks back to the male mob and huddles them up.

Ron

Gentlemen, if we don't do something soon, we're going to be a lot more gentle than men. I'm going to make one last attempt to appeal to their sense of decency. If that doesn't work, we take them. There are more of us than there are of them.

Brian

But they have guns, Ron.

Ron

They aren't going to shoot us.

Brian

Did you see my earlier report? He fired at me.

Ron

It was a warning shot. Ok, here goes.

Ron turns to face the National Guard.

Ron

Guys, I want you to forget about your military orders. Forget that you are soldiers and remember that you are men. Men with penises. Penises that work. How would you feel if your pants buddy stopped working? What if it was an angry, desperate male mob keeping you in your National Guard town? That wouldn't be nice, now would it? You'd want the mob to let you out, right? Let us out.

Ron walks forward.

Guardsman

Mr. Burgundy, stop walking. You cannot leave the city.

Ron

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Ron turns to tell the mob to charge but a shot is fired. Ron spins and falls. He is clutching his arm and wailing. Brian runs over to him.

Ron

I've been shot! It hurts so bad! Brian, tell me the truth. How bad does it look?

Brian moves Ron's hand. There is a slash through the suit jacket and shirt underneath. A small amount of blood is on the suit. The wound is barely a scratch.

Brian

Ron, it looks fine.

Ron

This is not a time to lie to me! I can take it!

Brian

The bullet barely got you. It went through your suit jacket.

Ron

Oh, God! Not the suit! I loved this suit!

(to the National Guard)

Whoever shot me owes me a new suit! It was Italian!

Brian

Let's get you up.

Brian tries to stand Ron up.

Ron

(to National Guard)

You have to go to Italy and ask for Giancarlo!

Brian sits him up on the pavement.

Ron
(to National Guard)

Tell him you want the Burgundy Speciale!

Ron sits in the middle of the road rubbing his arm.

Idea #46

Veronica and Lady Ron (see Idea #35) go to a salon for a girls day. The steroids are causing a mustache to grow and some pimples to form on the back of Lady Ron's neck which can be seen now that her hair is in a more masculine style. Her voice might be deeper as well. She refuses each treatment as they are offered. Veronica can only look on in stunned silence. Finally, she can't take it anymore and confronts her.

Veronica

Mary?

Lady Ron

It's Ron or Ronnie.

(getting enraged)

It gets me so mad that people still call me Mary!

Veronica

I'm sorry, Ronnie.

Lady Ron

Don't do it again!

Veronica

I don't remember you being this angry. Are you ok?

Lady Ron

I know. I've been taking these vitamins that Champ got and one of the side effects is explosive anger or rage.

Veronica

Do you need to take them?

Lady Ron

Champ wants me to.

Veronica

You don't have to do everything that Champ wants. You don't have to grow a mustache or cut your hair. You were very pretty.

Lady Ron

What the hell! I thought you of all people would understand how nice it is to not have to worry about feminine upkeep. Do you know how easy it is to get up in the morning and not have to put on all that makeup? It takes me fifteen minutes to get ready now. With the shower.

Veronica

Really?

Lady Ron

I say let yourself be as your body wants to be. I haven't shaved my legs in weeks and I get to wear pants every day. You should try it.

Veronica

I don't know.

Lady Ron
I guess you aren't the independent woman you thought you were. You are still holding on to the ideals imposed by men.

Veronica thinks about. She goes from confused to angry as the thoughts rattle around in her brain.

Veronica
You're right!

(to the beautician)

Cut it all off.

(to Lady Ron)

Ron, let me have one of the vitamins.

Cut to ten minutes later. Veronica is looking in the mirror at the buzz cut she just got. She looks like Susan Powter (see below).

Lady Ron (O.S.)

How do you feel?

Veronica

(beat)

Wow, my head feels so free! I love it!