I Wanna Write Anchorman 2

Goodbye Anchorman 2 Blog

2008-09-05T06:57:00.001-07:00

It was retardedly fun writing these. I want to thank everyone who read any entry on here. It means so much to me. I'm a little sad that it's over but it doesn't look like I'm going to write Anchorman 2 so it has to end. Hold on, the phone's ringing. Could it be? Nope, it's my mom. It's times like these I wish Adam McKay was my mom. Anyway, good bye Anchorman 2 blog. I can't wait to write the Anchorman 3 blog.

Take care,

Kevin Tor

Idea #100

2008-09-05T05:30:00.001-07:00

Ron is back with Channel Four News (see Ideas #96, #97, and #98). He has a new office (see Idea #99). He goes out on his ritual pre-news walk to clear his head.

Ron walks through the park. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots a twenty dollar bill moving through the grass. He heads for it. As the bill comes to a stop, Ron reaches down to pick it up. As he grabs one side of the bill, a manicured hand grabs the other side. Ron and a beautiful woman lock eyes.

Beautiful Woman

Aren't you Ron Burgundy?

Ron

Why yes I am.

Beautiful Woman

I grew up fantasizing about you.

Ron

I stood up fantasizing about you. I'm still fantasizing.

Beautiful Woman

Take me, Ron Burgundy! I want to be yours forever!

She jumps at Ron and kisses him.

Ron

Wow! I want you to be mine forever.

They keep kissing and fall into the grass.

Cut to the news station. Ron and Brian are getting their makeup done.

Ron

You are not going to believe what happened at the park today?

Brian

What?

Ron

I found twenty dollars and the woman of my dreams.

Brian

What's her name?

Ron

You know it never came up.

(beat)

But her dad is a billionaire. She loves my voice. She has two vaginas. She loves jazz flute. She-

Brian

Hold up. She has two vaginas?

Ron

Yup and one of them is still a virgin. She's saving that for our wedding night but if it's anything like the other one...oh baby.

Brian

Sounds like you had a good walk.

Ron

Best ten minutes of my life. Now, let's knock this show out of the park.

Cut to the end of the news telecast. Ron addresses the camera.

Ron

The toddler sang Brahms' "Lullaby" and the grizzly bear fell asleep right there in their living room. Amazing. Well that's going to do it. I'm so glad to be back and, as always, you stay classy, San Diego. I've missed you. Good night.

PA (O.C.)

And we're out.

Garth Holliday

Great show guys. Ron, welcome back.

Ron

Thanks, Garth.

Ed Harken

Congratulations, Ron. The ratings are in.

Ron

That was fast, Ed.

Ed Harken

It really was. Anyway, number one! Let's all celebrate.

Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ celebrate and jump up and down.

Freeze on Champ. Written below him: "Champ Kind fell out of sports after a scandal involving him and Joe Theismann. He opened a tattoo parlor that only sold tattoos for ladies' lower backs. Business boomed. There are currently fifteen Champ's Tramp Stamps locations on the West Coast."

Freeze on Brick. Written below him: "Brick Tamland, tired of not understanding much of anything people were saying, signed up for human testing of an experimental surgery that increased the intelligence of a lab mouse. It worked and he became vastly smarter. Intelligence was a burden, though. He was aloof and stopped talking to Ron and Brian. Learning that the lab mouse regressed back to its original intelligence and died, Brick attempted to use his new mental capacity to stop it from happening to him. Sadly, Brick could not work fast enough and went back to his original self. The next day, he got the new issue of Highlights in the mail and forgot all about it. Brick loves finding the hidden pictures."

Freeze on Brian. Written below him: "Brian Fantana became a consultant for men that want to come up with cool names for their penis and testicles. He owns a ranch in Arizona."

Freeze on Ron. Written below him: "Ron Burgundy married Beautiful Woman (or 'B Dubs' as he calls her) five days after his return. Ron finished his career as an anchor for the number one-rated news station in San Diego in 1994. Ron and B Dubs currently live in Solana Beach with their three heterosexual (specified by Ron) sons."

Idea #99

2008-09-04T05:31:00.000-07:00

Ron skips day three of training because he felt he got all he needed from days one and two (see Ideas #97 and #98). He is ready to return to his old spot as anchorman of Channel Four News. His first day back begins at the station. Ron and Brian walk through the cubicles to Ron's office.

Brian

Not that we knew you were coming back but we didn't want anyone to have your office so we kinda retired it.

They arrive at Ron's office. Champ and Brick are waiting there. Champ is holding bolt cutters. There's a big padlock on the door.

Ron

Wow.

Brian

No one has used or gone in your office since you left in 1977.

Ron

So no one's been in there?

Brian

Nope.

Ron

Not even a cleaning person. It's probably covered in dust and cobwebs.

Champ

Not with this padlock. I put it on myself.

Ron

Champ, you know a padlock can't keep out dust and spiders or any insect for that matter.

Champ

Are you sure?

Ron

(stares with confusion at Champ)

Why don't we just open her up?

Champ uses the bolt cutters to break the padlock. The lock falls to the ground. Ron opens the door. Ron ducks as a bird flies past him and into the station. The window in his office is open.

Ron

That window's been open for six years. I-

(composes himself)

I need a new office. It's a fresh start. Fresh start. Fresh office.

Brian

New office. Sure. No problem. There's one over here.

Ron, Brian, and Champ walk away but Brick stays and stares into Ron's old office. There is a lion's purr.

Champ

Brick, you coming?

Brick

I'm going to play with the kitty.

Brick goes in the office and closes the door. There is a loud roar and a crash. After a moment, Brick laughs.

Brick (O.S.)

My turn, kitty.

There is another loud crash.

Cut to Ron, Brian, and Champ at an empty office.

Ron

This will do just fine.

(beat)

Wanna go grab a drink?

Champ

Sure.

Brian

You know it!

Ron

It's good to be back.

Ron, Brian, and Champ walk through the station to leave.

Cut to the closed door of Ron's old office.

Ron (O.C.)

Brick, you coming?

Brick opens the door. His suit is torn and there's blood all around his mouth.

Brian

Yup.

Idea #98

2008-09-03T04:55:00.000-07:00

Ron is in Day Two (see Idea #97) of training for his return to Channel Four News. The song "Eye of the Tiger" still plays.

Cut to Ron sitting at the breakfast table. His face is smeared with black newspaper print all over the right side. He takes a deep breath and lifts a spoon with shredded newspaper on it.

Ron

Are you sure about this? Isn't the ink poisonous?

Cut to Brian putting strawberries and bananas into a blender.

Brian

You have to eat, drink, and sleep the news. I can't think of a more literal way to do that.

Brian puts a newspaper in the blender and hits the button to blend it all.

Cut to Ron putting the spoon with the shredded newspaper into his mouth and chewing regrettably.

Ron

(mouth full)

This is going to go badly.

Cut to Ron working a punching bag with Champ behind it. Cut to the front to show Wes Mantooth's face at the top of the bag. Ron lets out a flurry of punches and then screams as he goes for the knockout blow.

Cut to Ron doing Tai Chi.

Cut to Ron watching tapes of himself when he was in his prime at Channel Four News.

Cut to Ron vomiting in the bathroom.

Ron

Oh, God! It's black! I think I'm dying!

Cut to Brick wearing a Ronald Reagan mask. Ron is sitting next to Reagan Brick.

Ron

Mr. President, why do we need a Strategic Defense Initiative? What are you not telling the American people?

Brick

(bad Reagan impression)

It's precautionary. There's nothing to worry about.

Brian

Get in there.

Ron

Sir, that is a lie.

Brick

(bad Reagan impression)

No comment.

Brian

Force him to answer.

Ron gets up to attack Reagan Brick but Champ, dressed like Secret Service, pushes Ron back into his seat. Ron thinks. He gets up and leaves the house.

Ron

I'll be right back.

Cut to Reagan Brick looking sad.

Ron (O.C.)

You're going to talk or-

Cut to Ron with a gun at a monkey's head.

Ron

It's bedtime for Bonzo.

Brick

(bad Reagan impression)

Ok! I'll talk!

(regular voice)

Don't hurt the monkey!

Brian

Nice, Ron.

Brick takes the monkey and hugs it.

Ron

I think I'm ready.

Brian

But we have a whole third day of training.

Ron

No, I feel ready now.

Brian

Are you sure?

Ron

Yup.

Brian

I spent a lot of money on training supplies for tomorrow.

Ron

Do you have receipts?

Brian

Most of it was bought on the black market.

Ron

Oh.

(beat)

Sorry.

Brian

Yeah.

Idea #97

2008-09-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

Ron readies himself to return to the position of anchorman at Channel Four News (see Idea #96). Brian, Champ, and Brick come over to Ron's house.

Ron

Alright, gentlemen, I need to get back into top anchoring form.

"Eye of the Tiger" starts playing. The words "DAY ONE" appear at the lower left as Ron's head appears over a level surface like he's doing a pull-up. He takes his right hand off the surface and points off camera.

Ron

Over there!

Ron returns to below the level surface. The camera pulls back to show a news desk and Ron pulls himself up from behind it again.

Brian (O.C.)

Where's the news?

Ron

I don't see it!

Brian (O.C.)

Where's the news? Find it, Ron! Find it!

Ron

I don't see it!

(beat then pointing)

There! There!

Cut to Brick peeking out from behind the news camera holding cue cards. Cut to Champ high-fiving Ron.

Cut to Ron running with a microphone next to Brick wearing a gray wig, a dress, and crown. Brian and Champ ride next to them in a truck. Joggers are jumping out of the way.

Ron

Your highness! Queen Elizabeth! Queen Elizabeth! Ron Burgundy, Channel Four News! A few questions!

Brick

(in bad old lady British accent)

No, thank you. Just getting in my morning run.

Brian

Try harder!

Ron

Please, your highness! Just a moment of your time!

Brick

(in bad old lady British accent)

What is it?

Ron

How is your health?

Brian

Ask the tough questions!

Ron

What?!?

Brian

How is your health?!? That's a question a number two station asks! Do we want number two?!?

Ron

No!

(gathers breath)

Your highness, is it true that Prince Charles and Lady Di are having problems?

Brian

Good!

Ron doubles over and vomits.

Tune in tomorrow for Day Two.

Idea #96

2008-09-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Ron arrives at Ed Harken's office (see Idea #95). He is all cleaned up and looking sharp. Ed and Ron shake hands followed by Ed motioning Ron to sit, which he does.

Ron (see Idea #22)

I just want to say I'm sorry about that whole Diversity thing. I was cocky and I guess I didn't care if I burned some bridges.

Well, it's water under the bridge and we can use that water to put out the bridge fire.

Ron

That's good. I miss this place. This is where I became The Ron Burgundy.

I'm sure you've read about the station's ratings.

Ron

Nope.

Right. Well, we are now third in San Diego and we want you to bring us back to first.

Ron

I can do that. Who's first?

Wes Mantooth and Channel Nine.

Ron

I thought Mantooth left.

He did but he came back last year and rocketed Channel Nine to the top.

Ron

That is unacceptable. Ed, I will bring Channel Four back to number one. Wes Mantooth? More like Wes Girltooth. Or even Wes Tooth. Cause there's nothing manly about him.

I get it. When can you start?

Ron

Give me three days and I'll be back and ready to go.

Done.

Ron gets up and shakes Ed's hand. Ron heads out the door.

And Ron?

Ron turns back.

Everyone's counting on you.

Idea #95

2008-08-31T05:42:00.000-07:00

Brian goes to Ron's house. The year is 1983. Brian is holding a pet cage. He rings the doorbell. Nothing happens. He rings it again and looks through a window.

Brian

(shouting)

C'mon, Ron! Open up! You can't stay in there forever!

Ron, with a full beard and looking horrible, opens the door. Brian pushes his way in.

Brian

You lost your job two months ago.

Ron

I'm not in the mood.

Brian

It's not your fault that World News couldn't compete with CNN.

Ron

Yes, it is. I told them we could do what CNN did but in two hours because I didn't want to spend that much time at the station. So, Veronica and I had to talk really fast to get it all in. We lost viewers quicker than "Joanie Loves Chachi." The human brain can't process information that fast.

Brian

I didn't know all of that.

Ron

Yeah.

Brian

Hmmm

(beat)

Well, I got you something that will cheer you up.

Brian goes into the animal cage and pulls out a little puppy. He is a terrier mix just like Baxter. Brian holds the dog in his arms.

Ron

(almost in tears)

That looks like...

Brian

Baxter, I know. I got him for you.

Brian brings the dog to Ron.

Brian

I figured since it's been over a year since you lost him. Now, you can't feed this one whole wheels of cheese.

Ron

I won't. That was really stupid. Once he did it the first time, I was so impressed that I just kept leaving wheels of cheese in the fridge every time I left the house. That dog was not well.

Brian

No, the house kinda still smells like it.

Ron

Actually, that's me. Thanks, Brian. You're a good friend.

Brian

One last thing. I talked to Ed Harken. He wants you back.

Ron

Really?

(beat)

I don't know if I'm ready.

Brian

I think you are. Come down to the station tomorrow.

Ron nods.

Brian

And take a shower first.

Brian walks to the door.

Ron

You got it.

Brian leaves.

Ron

(to dog in his arms)

Hey, I'm going to take a shower and then we are going to get into bed. I have a big day tomorrow. I got some PJs for you. They might be a little big though. They were worn by a really good friend of mine. I don't think he would mind you borrowing them, though.

Idea #94

2008-08-30T04:59:00.000-07:00

Ron guest stars on "The Muppet Show." The scene opens with Ron Burgundy in a leather jacket sitting on some bleachers. He is surrounded by Fozzie, Gonzo, and Rizzo the Rat.

Gonzo

Hey, I wanna hear about what Ron did at the beach.

All

Yeah!

Ron

It was nothin'.

Fozzie

(sarcastic)

Sure, nothin' Burgundy. Right.

Rizzo

C'mon, Ron.

Gonzo

C'mon. Tell us about the girl.

Cut to a scene at a lunch table with Miss Piggy surrounded by Camilla, Olivia Newton-John, and Janice.

Janice

What did you do this summer, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy

I spent most of it at the beach. I met a human.

Olivia Newton-John

You went all the way to the beach for some human?

Miss Piggy

This human was special.

Olivia Newton-John

There ain't no such thing. I should know.

Miss Piggy

He was really romantic and he had a great mustache.

Cut back to Ron and the guys on the bleachers.

All

C'mon, man. Tell us.

Ron

Oh, boys, the snout on this girl. But you don't want to hear about that.

Fozzie

Are you kidding me?

Ron

Alright, I'll tell you.

They break into a rousing rendition of "Summer Love" replacing every "girl" with "pig" and every "boy" with "human." We pick up with the last verse. Ron and Miss Piggy have their backs to each other but are unaware of each other's presence. It's more for stage effect.

Miss Piggy

(singing)

It turned colder, that's where it ends

Ron

(singing)

So, I told her, we'd still be friends

Miss Piggy

(singing)

Then we made, our true love vow

Ron

(singing)

She was a pig, the size of a cow

Both

(singing)

Summer breeze between two species but, oh, those summer nights

All

Tell me more, tell me more

Ron and Miss Piggy look sad as the girls and guys look on. The screen fades to black.

Idea #93

2008-08-29T05:17:00.000-07:00

Champ and Brian set up a fake beauty pageant at the news station after hours to get more attractive girls to pay attention to them. Brick agrees to be a judge with them and Ron will be Master of Ceremonies. Participants in the beauty pageant are "one of each" according to Champ: Mabel (brunette), Jackie (red), Holly (blonde), and Lupe (not white). Ron comes out in a nice tuxedo holding a microphone that is not plugged into anything.

Ron

Welcome to the Miss Lower San Diego Pageant. In our...uh...fifteenth year of operation. Let's have the ladies come out and walk around.

Mabel, Jackie, Holly, and Lupe walk around in dresses and heels.

Ron

Thank you ladies.

(beat)

While they are getting dressed, let's meet the judges.

Ron walks over to the judges at their pushed together desks.

Ron

Champ Kind who is currently single.

Champ

I am.

Brian

The very handsome Brian Fantana.

Brian

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Brick

And Brick Tamland...the...uh...weatherman.

Brick

(embarrassed)

Oh, you.

Ron

Ok, enough chit chat, let's get on with the show. Our first event is the Evening Gown comp-

Champ

Bathing suit!

Ron

Excuse me.

Champ

Let's start with bathing suits.

Ron

Splendid idea. Ladies? Bathing suits.

Champ

Two piece!

Ron

Two piece bathing suits. Let's go go go.

The women go back inside to change with confused looks on their faces.

Brian

That was great, Champ. Who cares about dresses?

Champ

I know. It just hit me. I was thinking, "I want to see more skin." And it popped into my head: swimsuits.

Brian

Amazing.

Ron walks over to the dressing room (Ron's office). He cracks the door, then knocks.

Ron

Are you girls almost ready?

(staring)

Nice, Holly.

Ron closes the door.

Ron

They're ready.

(beat)

Come on out, ladies! First is Mabel. She is a woman. She likes to swim, apparently. Next, we have Jackie with boobies. Then, Holly who is even better topless and finally, Lupe who is foreign.

The girls walk out in their bikinis.

Ron

And the judges will tally scores while you get ready for the talent-

Champ

No talent. I want to see Holly in Jackie's bikini, Lupe in Holly's, Jackie, in Mabel's, and Mabel in Lupe's.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want to see Jackie in Lupe's, Holly in Mabel's, Mabel in Jackie's, and Lupe in Holly's.

Lupe

But I'm in Holly's.

Champ

And you look fantastic.

Cut to the girls dressed up in the appropriate bathing suits.

Champ

Now, I want Jackie in nothing, Holly in peanut butter and jelly, Mabel in my lap, and Lupe in Holly's. You really look great in it.

Mabel

Is this a real pageant?

Ron

Twenty years running.

Holly

You said fifteen before.

Ron

Did I? Well, this pageant, in particular, is fifteen years but we've been running pageants for twenty.

Mabel

I don't think there is a Miss Lower San Diego Pageant.

Brian

What? Do you think this is some not-so-elaborate ruse to get hot, sexy women to spend an evening with us?

Mabel

Yes.

Brian

Then you as observant as you are attractive. Let's cut the bull and party. How does that sound?

The girls look at each other and shrug.

Holly

We got nothing else to do.

Champ

Sounds like a yes to me. Dibs on Lupe.

Lupe

Can I change?

Champ

Sorry, no.

Idea #92

2008-08-28T04:29:00.000-07:00

Ron arrives on the set of "Mork and Mindy." He does not know what to expect. Pam Dawber is the first person he runs into.

Pam Dawber

Ron Burgundy? I'm Pam Dawber. I play Mindy.

Ron

(grabs her hand and kisses it)

Enchanted.

Pam Dawber

I saw you on "The Love Boat." You're very good.

Ron

How nice of you to say. I'd like to hear more about how good I am. How about after the shoot-

Robin Williams comes running up.

Robin Williams

Hey, you must be Ron Burgundy. Although you seem more of a Ron Peach or a Ron Tan. It's going to be a lot of fun on the set today. We tend to get a little crazy. What am I saying, a lot of crazy.

(makes some crazy noises and hand gestures)

Boop. Bop. Wang.

Ron

(extends hand)

Nice to meet you.

Robin Williams

(shakes hand)

I'm Robin Williams but you can call me

(acts demure and talks in high-pitched voice)

Mrs. Funnybritches. I do so love that you're on the show.

(clears throat)

I hate when she comes out.

(smacks own face)

Bad Mrs. Funnybritches!

(high-pitched voice)

Oooo!

(regular voice)

Bad!

(smacks own face)

That should take care of her. So, you're a news man.

(puts finger to ear)

This just in: Mork and Mindy is very excited to have Ron Burgundy on the set. Coming up after the break: hula hoops: fun toy or dangerous geometry?

Ron stares on in shock as Robin Williams pretends to hula hoop while getting hurt.

Robin Williams

Help! Stop this thing! It's hurting me! I can't stop swiveling my hips! I must look like Elvis.

(Elvis voice)

Thank you. Thank you very much. This next one goes out to Ron Burgundy.

(to Heartbreak Hotel)

When Ron Burgundy showed up

He stood open-mouthed and stared

At Robin Williams hula hooping

Around like Elvis, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened, baby

Ron Burgundy's frightened

Ron Burgundy's frightened and wants to go home.

Robin Williams goes into a knee slide with arms extended out. He's fake heavy-breathing like at the end of a Broadway number. Pam Dawber and all the crew erupt in applause. Robin Williams stands up and waves around appreciative.

Robin Williams

Thank you. You're too kind. Now, you're not kind enough. Ok, too kind again.

(walks up to Ron)

Well, Ron, how did you like your Welcome Wagon. Although it wasn't much of a wagon. It was more of a Welcome-

Ron

Village Idiot?

Robin Williams

(turns to him seriously)

What did you call me?

Ron

A Welcome Village Idiot. It's funny.

Pam Dawber waves her arms in the background trying to stop Ron. Robin Williams' eyes turn all white. His already hairy arms become more so. He lets out a scream that turns into a howl. Before Ron's eyes, Robin Williams begins to change. He rises three feet in height. His clothes rip from his body as he gains muscle mass. His hands turn into massive claws with razor-sharp nails. His mouth and nose extend out from his face into a snout. Werewolf Robin Williams snarls menacingly over Ron. Drool drips down and splashes the floor by Ron's shoes.

Werewolf Robin Williams

(deep voice)

That was a big mistake.

As Werewolf Robin Williams crouches down to launch himself at Ron, two men with stun guns zap Werewolf Robin Willaims. He convulses and falls to the ground. One of the men puts his stun gun away and pulls out a syringe. They inject it into Werewolf Robin Williams' arm. He slowly turns back into a sweaty, naked, less hairy, regular Robin Williams.

Cut to Ron Burgundy at the age of 70 on his porch. A young boy sits across from him. They are drinking lemonade.

Ron

That was the most scared I've ever been.

Young Boy

Wow, Grandpa, no wonder why Robin Williams still gets work.

Ron

It's hard to say no to a werewolf. It's best to just smile, laugh, and wait for it to be over.

(beat)

Shall we go see how your grandma's doing with those brownies?

Young Boy

Oh boy!

Grandpa Ron and the young boy go inside the house.

Ron (O.S.)

Pam, how are those brownies coming?

Idea #91

2008-08-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Fresh off his critically-acclaimed turn on "The Love Boat" (see Idea #s 87, 88, and 89), Ron gets offers from many hit television shows. Ron sits in his office with Champ, Brian, and Brick.

Ron

So, I'm supposed to play Ponch's brother though I think I look more like the other guy and then I'm going to be on this show, "Mork and Mindy" with some comedian named Robin Williams.

Champ

Do you think-

Ron

I'm not done talking.

Champ

Sorry.

Ron

And then I'm doing "The Muppet Show" where I sing a song with Miss Piggy.

(beat)

Now, you may speak Champ.

Champ

Do you think you can get me a part on any of these shows?

Ron

I'd love to but, seriously, you are not an attractive man.

Champ

(accepting)

That's true.

Ron

They only put amazingly handsome gentlemen like myself. If anyone here could get a part, it would be Brian but that would be stretching it as he's only eighty percent amazingly handsome.

Brian

(upbeat)

Thanks, Ron.

Ron

Don't mention it.

Brick

My mom says I'm handsome.

Ron

Amazingly handsome?

Brick

(dejected)

No, just regular handsome.

Ron

Look, guys, if I get my own show, I promise to have each of you on it in small parts or cast really great looking people in the parts you were supposed to get but have your names in the credits instead of theirs.

Brian

That doesn't sound like a good deal.

Ron

It's a limited time offer.

Brian

How could it-

Champ

(leans in to Brian)

I think we should take it.

Brick

(leans in to Brian and Champ)

Me too.

Brian

Fine, we'll take it.

Ron

Great. Now, leave my office. I need to get some sleep.

Champ, Brian, and Brick stand up to exit.

Brian

The news starts in twenty minutes.

Ron

Then wake me in fifteen. How hard is this? That's it. Brick's part played by someone else is going to be bigger than yours.

Brian

But-

Ron

Champ's too.

Brian

Crap.

Ron

And when you wake me, I like three taps on the shoulder. I can't stand shaking. That is all.

Champ, Brian, and Brick leave Ron's office. Ron takes out two cucumber slices and puts them on his eyes and then leans back in his chair.

Idea #90

2008-08-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

After having a great kissing scene with Ann-Margret on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #89), Ron finds himself making out with her in her dressing room.

Ann-Margret

(heavily breathing, in between kisses)

This is wrong. I have a husband.

Ron

I warned you about my lips.

Ann-Margret

I should have believed you. Carry me to the bed.

Ron lifts her up and lays her down on the bed. He rips open her blouse exposing her bra.

Ann-Margret

Nobody can know about this.

Ron

I will tell no one.

Cut to next day at the office. Ron is sitting in his office with Brian, Champ, and Brick.

Ron

I totally bagged Ann-Margret.

Champ

How was she?

Ron

A tigress. She said I was better than Elvis.

Brian

Does that complete the set?

Brick

What set?

Ron

Yes it does.

Ron stands up and walks over to a portrait of himself hanging on the wall. He swivels it out from the wall to reveal a safe. Meticulously, he enters the combination and the safe door opens. He pulls out a scroll. He lets the end fall and it unrolls across the office carpet.

Ron

You see Brick, growing up, Elvis was the biggest sex symbol there ever was. I knew that if I wanted to be the greatest sexual specimen in the universe, I was going to have to be better than Elvis. I compiled a list of every woman Elvis has ever been with: Cybill Shepherd, Peggy Lipton, Cher, and so on.

Champ

You slept with Cher?

Ron

I did and everyone else on this list except Ann-Margret.

(beat)

Until now.

Champ

What's that other pile of papers in the safe?

Ron

These are all written letters attesting to the fact that I am a better lover than Elvis. And now I can add Ann-Margret to the list.

Ron removes a letter from his pocket. He unfolds it and puts it on top of the pile in the safe.

Ron

Now I am the greatest lover of all time!

Ron raises his fist and stands triumphant for a moment. Then, he puts his fist down.

Ron

That took longer than I expected. Elvis was a real man whore.

Brick

What are you going to do next?

Ron

I don't know. I got this five hundred piece puzzle of a country chateau. Maybe I'll tackle that next.

Brian

I'm hungry. You wanna get lunch?

Ron

Yeah, I could really go for Italian.

Ron leaves everything where it was (scroll on floor, safe open) as he and the guys walk out of the office.

Idea #89

2008-08-25T06:22:00.001-07:00

Ron is on the set of "The Love Boat." He and the director had some problems in an earlier scene (see Idea #88) but Ron has kept to the script lately knowing it would get him to this scene. The current scene is the kiss between Ron and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret

Now, Ron, I'm sure you'll be a gentleman despite your attraction to me.

Ron

Ann-Margret, I'm shocked! I just hope you can resist these lips. For decades, women have been getting lost in them.

Ann-Margret

So, if anything happens, it's my fault.

Ron

Entirely.

Jim Hubert

Ok, everyone. Scene forty-four. Let's get Ron ready.

Two guys with buckets come up to Ron. They soak him in water. The hair and makeup girl comes over and combs his hair nicely.

Jim Hubert

Positions.

Ron is held to look like he's hanging from the boat by two men dressed like deck hands. Bernie Kopell is standing behind the two deck hands. Ann-Margret stands next to Gavin MacLeod.

Jim Hubert

Action!

The two deck hands drag Ron onto the boat. Bernie Kopell tends to him.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

What happened?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

I was walking along the deck and he yelled out, "I'll get it!" as he dove past me off the boat.

Gavin MacLeod

(as Captain Stubing)

Do you know him?

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

We met on the ship and he's been...trying to get my attention. I hope he's ok.

Ron coughs out some water.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

He's going to be fine. A little water down the wrong pipe.

Ron groans. His right hand is closed tightly in a fist. He sits up.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Take it easy, Mr. Barnes.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

You dropped this.

Ron opens his fist to show a diamond earring. Ann-Margret looks at it and checks her ear in shock.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

My earring!

Ann-Margret squats down to take it from him but remains at Ron's level with a look of wonder on her face.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

I saw you walking on the deck and I saw this sparkle fall from your ear and bounce off the boat. I remember how you told me they were your grandmother's earrings and how much they meant to you. I knew you would be upset if you lost it. Before I could talk myself out of it, I jumped.

Ann-Margret leans in and kisses Ron. She lingers a bit and parts from him.

Ann-Margret

(as Bianca Sheppard)

You're wonderful.

They kiss again.

Bernie Kopell

(as Doc)

Well, I guess he's fine.

Everyone else walks away as the Ron and Ann-Margret kiss.

Jim Hubert

Cut. That was great everyone. Shall we do another take?

Ron

Yes! I mean for safety's sake if that's ok with Ann.

Ann-Margret

Another take would be nice.

Ann-Margret smiles at Ron.

Ron

(hastily)

Where are those buckets! Places people!

Idea #88

2008-08-24T17:06:00.000-07:00

Ron arrives on the set of "The Love Boat" (see Idea #87). He meets with Jim Hubert, the director of this episode.

Jim Hubert

Ron, nice to meet you.

Ron

A pleasure. I'm a big fan of the show.

Jim Hubert

I like to move quickly through scenes. Do you know your lines?

Ron

I like to improvise in the manner of Chevy Chase or Billiam Murray. I know what the scenes call for.

Jim Hubert

We don't improvise here. While you're in makeup, go over them some more. I want you to know them backwards and forwards.

Ron

Absolutely.

Cut to the bar set. Cameras are aimed at the desired locations. Ron is sitting at the bar. Ted Lange is behind the bar as Isaac. Ann-Margret is at the end of the bar and no one is located between them.

Jim Hubert

Places and...action!

Ron and Ann-Margret exchange glances. There may be interest.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac?

Ted Lange comes over.

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Mr. Barnes, what can I do for you? Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Yeah, two more. Let me ask you. Who is that fine piece of tail at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

(to Ron)

Ron, please stick to the script.

Ron

(lifts glass)

Quick question. Can we have some real scotch in here instead of this apple juice?

Jim Hubert

No. Let's get ready for take 2. If you need a line, Ron, ask for it.

Ron

Got it.

Jim Hubert

Quiet on the set and...action!

Ted Lange

(as Isaac)

Another scotch?

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Sure. Isaac, who is that sweet piece of sugar?

Jim Hubert

Cut!

Flash forward. Take eight.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who is that at the end of the bar and tell me she's not a hooker?

Jim Hubert screams in anger.

Flash forward. Take fifteen.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that a General at the end of the bar because my little soldier's saluting?

Jim Hubert kicks over his director's chair.

Flash forward. Take thirty-two.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, is that Ann-Margret's sexy twin?

Ron winks at Ann-Margret. She smiles. Jim Hubert punches the cameraman.

Flash forward. Take forty-one.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, I'm going to lick that girl's toes. What's her story?

Jim Hubert tries to attack Ron but assistants hold him back.

Flash forward. Take forty-five.

Ron

(as Laszlo Barnes)

Isaac, who's the little lady at the end of the bar?

Jim Hubert

Cut! That was the right line.

Cameraman

(with black eye)

We ran out of film halfway through.

Jim Hubert

Shit! Shit. Shit. Shit.

Ron walks up to Ann-Margret.

Ron

I know I was just playing a character but I meant everything I said.

Ann-Margret

That's very sweet of you but I'm married.

Ron

Really?

Ann-Margret

Yes, for ten years now.

Ron

Wow. Is there any chance you'd like to break your vows for this?

Ron indicates himself.

Ann-Margret

If I was a woman of lesser morals, absolutely.

Ron

You're too kind.

Jim Hubert

Ok, we have film. Ron, can you do it the same way as take forty-five?

Ron

I can do it better.

Jim Hubert

I'm looking for the same.

Ron

Suit yourself.

Come back tomorrow for the kissing scene.

Idea #87

2008-08-23T05:58:00.000-07:00

Ron walks into the news station wearing a ship captain's hat. Brian and Brick walk up to him.

Brian

What's with the hat, Ron?

Ron

It's Captain Burgundy.

Brian

Is this because of the Love Boat?

Ron

Best show on television.

Brick

Best show on television.

Ron

Do you watch it, Brick?

Brick

No.

Ron

They have the best people on that show. The guest stars alone. I would kill to be on it.

Brian

My cousin Ed is a producer on it. Maybe he can get you a part.

Ron

Call him right now!

Brian

It's kinda early!

Ron

Call him or I'll tell everyone about that thing you don't want everyone to know!

Brian

What thing? Are you just making it up?

Ron

Can you take that chance?

Brian

I guess not.

Cut to later in Ron's office. Ron extends an old ship telescope and looks through it. The angle is a distorted closeup of things in his office. The shot continues to the doorway and we see a fun house version of Brian's face.

Brian

Ron?

Cut to regular view of office. Ron collapses the telescope and puts it away.

Ron

Hey, Brian.

Brian

You have a part.

Ron

Super! What is it?

Brian

You get to board the ship and shake the captain's hand.

Ron

An extra? I want a love story! I want to fall in love on the Love Boat!

Brian

Those go to real stars.

Ron

I'm a real star! Call him back!

Brian

It goes to real actors. I don't think he can get-

Ron

Real actors? Charo was on it. I can act Charo into a paper bag or whatever the saying is. Make it happen!

Brian

But Ron-

Ron

Big secret. Whole office.

Brian

Fine.

Cut to later. Brian walks into Ron's office.

Ron

Gopher!

Brian

Huh?

Ron

He's a character on the show that gets things done. It's a complement. You'd be laughing right now if you watched the show.

Brian

Whatever. You're getting a love story.

Ron

Really? That's fantastic! Bravo, Brian!

(pumps fist)

Hooray!

Brian

I'll get you the information on when you have to report to the set.

Ron

Do you know who my love interest is going to be?

Brian

Ann-Margret.

Ron

Viva Las Vegas' Rusty Martin? Bye Bye Birdie's Kim McAfee? The Flintstone's Ann-Margrock? Wow! Maybe after the Love Boat, we can have a Love Car Ride to my Love Home and get in my Love Bed and do the Love Sex.

Brian

Maybe.

(beat)

Was there even a secret?

Ron

What?

(beat)

No, there wasn't.

Brian

I knew it!

Tune in tomorrow for the beginning of Ron Burgundy's episode of the Love Boat.

Idea #86

2008-08-22T04:57:00.000-07:00

Ron walks into the men's room at the news station. Brian is shaving at the sink. Ron heads to the sink and puts some water on his face. They are both hung over.

Brian

That was a crazy party last night.

Ron

I had a dream I was making out with a muppet and I woke up to find I was licking the back of some girl's head.

Brian

I actually fell asleep on a girl's boob. Not as comfortable as you would think. Left a mark too.

Brian turns to Ron and points at his forehead. Brian has an impression shaped like a nipple.

Ron

Yikes.

Brian

Yeah.

Brian shaves the last spot on his face and then throws the razor in the garbage. Ron sees this and looks shocked.

Ron

What are you doing?

Brian

What?

Ron

Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian

It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron

Disposable razors?

Brian

Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're really cheap and also, there's some other shit.

Director (O.C.)

Cut! What was that?

The Director walks up to Ron and Brian.

Director

I need you guys to stick to the script. I don't know why the Bic company wants you two to do this but they do.

Ron

It's because we're real men. Good looking men.

Director

Just stick to the-

Ron

Men that built the Hoover Dam and make diamonds with their bare hands.

Director

Is he done?

Ron

Men that eat live animals and screw nameless women. Now I'm done.

Director

Ok-

Ron

Wait! Men that - Nope, I was done.

Director

Fantastic. Once again from "Why'd you throw out your razor?" Positions.

Ron and Brian go back the sinks.

Director (O.C.)

Action.

Ron

Why'd you throw out your razor?

Brian

It's one of those new disposable ones.

Ron

Disposable razors?

Brian

Yeah, shave and throw it out. They're cheap and I don't have to carry around that heavy, bulky old razor.

Ron

I, Ron Burgundy, would also like to use one.

Brian

They're available at most drug stores and retail establishments.

Ron

Hey, I live by a retail establishment.

Brian

They should have one.

Both

Disposable razors by Bic. Go shave yourself!

Idea #85

2008-08-21T04:15:00.000-07:00

Veronica reports that Barney Clark receives the first artificial heart transplant.

Ron

Didn't you beat him to it? I thought your heart was artificial or is that missing?

Veronica

Really? We've been divorced for two years. You're still going to do this on live TV like all the other fights?

Ron

That hurt doesn't go away.

Veronica

You cheated on me!

Ron

But she was eighteen which is so young, it shouldn't count and it was in the first three months of marriage which is universally known as the "open period."

Veronica

So, I could have been with another man in the first three months and you would have been ok with it?

Ron

(hesitates)

Sure.

Veronica

That's a relief. I've been feeling guilty.

Ron

(confused)

Why would you be feeling-

(realizing)

You didn't!

Veronica

I did!

Ron

Sweet Moses Malone! You two-timing whore!

Veronica

Wow, I feel much better now. I've been holding that in too long.

Ron

Who was it?

Veronica

I doesn't matter.

Ron

Then I know him.

Veronica

You do. He was a gentle lover and he made me feel special.

Ron

Who was it?

Veronica

Garth.

Ron

Garth? Like Weird Beard Garth?

(laughs)

That doesn't count.

Veronica

You know, you should ask him for some advice. You could learn a lot from him.

Ron

Are you saying he's better in bed than me?

Veronica

Yes. Coming up, what other fruit can keep the doctor away? You'll need to know with the upcoming apple shortage. Right after this.

Idea #84

2008-08-20T04:57:00.000-07:00

Veronica reports that Margaret Thatcher will become the first woman Prime Minister of England.

Ron

You must be happy.

Veronica

Why would I be happy? I don't live in England.

Ron

Just another thing women get to do. The glass ceiling's there for a reason, you know.

Veronica

You are unbelievable.

Ron

I'm unbelievable?!? What's next, women voting?

Veronica

Women do vote, Ron.

Ron

When did this happen?

Veronica

About sixty years ago.

Ron

That's ridiculous. No wonder Kennedy won. A bunch of women voting with their nether regions.

Veronica

Ron, we're on the air.

Ron

So what? A man can't voice his opinion about a woman leading the country? At least we don't have that problem here. A woman will never be President of the United States. Vice President, maybe. But never President. I promise you that.

Veronica

How do you promise that?

Ron

I know people.

Veronica

Champ? Your going to have Champ assassinate any potential female Presidents?

Ron

(bottling up)

No. Who's Champ? This discussion is over.

(lifts up copy, clears throat)

Tonight on television, Boss Hogg will once again try to take down the Duke boys. I think he's going to do it. He was real close last week.

(to Veronica)

Did you see it Veronica?

Veronica glares at him.

Ron

That Daisy Duke. She could be President. President of the Ron-ited States.

Ron chuckles and Veronica shakes her head.

Idea #83

2008-08-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

Ron and Veronica are reporting the news from the news desk.

Veronica

With the passing of Pope Paul VI, the Vatican has begun the process of electing a new pope. Coming up later, we will have an expert in the studio to explain the process and other things that happen in the papal conclave.

Ron

I'd like to take a stab at it.

Veronica

There's nothing to take a stab at, Ron. The expert knows and will tell us.

Ron

We don't need an expert. I'm going to knock this one out of the park.

Veronica

You're going to look like an idiot.

Ron

I think you're wrong.

Veronica

Well, you're the expert.

Ron

Thank you.

Veronica

(frustrated)

On being wrong. You're the expert on being wrong! It wasn't a complement!

Ron

We'll see.

Veronica

Fine, tell us.

Ron

The pope understudies-

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Same thing. They all get in a room. There's sixteen of them.

Veronica

Not true.

Ron

These sixteen guys enter a round robin, double elimination tournament of which the winner becomes the pope.

Veronica

(growing amused)

What do they do in this tournament?

Ron

It's a decathlon. A pope-al decathlon.

Veronica

Papal. And what are the ten events?

Ron

Right, ten. There's chess, caber toss-

Veronica

Some of these guys are very old. Hard to throw a caber.

Ron

They don't have to throw it far. They're not Olympians. They're subpopes.

Veronica

Cardinals.

Ron

Let's see. Judo, The Game of Life, chess. How many is that?

Veronica

Five but you said "chess" twice. So four.

Ron

Chili cookoff, hangman, 100-meter hurdles, speed painting.

Veronica

What's speed painting?

Ron

Well, they each paint a room and the one that paints his room the fastest wins.

Veronica

How do they know all the rooms are the same size?

Ron

Well, it's the same room.

Veronica

So they just paint the same room over and over?

Ron

Yes.

Veronica

That makes more sense. What are the last two?

Ron

Tug of war and an essay on why he wants to be pope. I feel like you're mocking me.

Veronica

I am. That list is ridiculous.

Cut to later in the show. Veronica and Ron are sitting in chairs across from Gerard, a papal expert.

Gerard

It is said that Pope Pius X made the best chili in the history of the tournament. Chili's inclusion in the tournament dates back to the early 1900s when it replaced leech tolerance, which was an event to see which cardinal, or subpope, could place the most leeches on his body. They continually update the events to keep up with the times. The Vatican likes to be trendy.

Ron watches on with a smile of satisfaction as Veronica stares in shock.

Idea #82

2008-08-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

Ron and Veronica are at the news desk anchoring.

Veronica

When we come back, the U.S. and Iran sign a ten billion dollar arms deal.

Ron

Wow! Ten million?

Veronica

No, Ron. Billion.

Ron

That's a lot of money. How much money do you think we could get for my arms?

Veronica

We're on the news.

Ron

I work out for real now. Not like the time you came to my office and I-

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

I'm just looking for a number.

(flexes left arm in his suit)

What do you think, San Diego? How much would you sign these babies for?

Veronica

This is so unprofessional.

Ron

If you act now, I'll throw in the second arm at no additional cost.

(flexes right arm)

That's an unbelievable value.

Veronica

Are we at commercial yet?

The cameraman shakes his head.

Ron

Come on, San Diego.

A phone rings by Brian. He looks confused and picks it up.

Brian

Hello?

(beat)

Forty dollars?

Veronica

San Diego, I implore you to rise above this charade.

"What's New, Pussycat?" pumps over the studio speakers. Ron dances around to Tom Jones.

Ron

Forty dollars? I'm insulted, though appreciative. Did I mention all proceeds go to orphans?

Veronica

What orphans?

Ron

(indignant but dancing and flexing)

You don't think there are still orphans in this world. Drinking gruel when they don't want to.

Veronica

That's Oliver Twist and you eat gruel.

Ron

I don't eat gruel and neither should orphans.

Brian picks up another ringing phone.

Brian

Hello?

(beat)

A hundred dollars!

Ron

(singing)

Whoooa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-oh!

Veronica

(to producer booth)

Go to commercial right now!

Ron

Stop hating orphans, Corningstone!

Veronica groans in anger and walks off the set as Ron dances around and Brian answers the phone once more.

Brian

How much for Ron's arms?

(beat)

I can't hear you.

(beat)

A thousand dollars!?!

Ron

Let me talk to them.

(takes phone)

A thousand dollars!?! Thank you so much. May I ask who this is?

(beat)

Wait! I know this voice!

(looks around)

Where's Champ?

Champ comes running in out of breath.

Ron

Was that you on the phone?

Champ

No. I mean, what phone? What? I don't even have a thousand dollars.

Ron

That's it. Shut it down. Go to commercial.

The music stops and Ron sits back down professionally at the news desk and stares disapprovingly at Champ.

Idea #81

2008-08-17T06:15:00.000-07:00

Richard Dawson, technically dead for a little more than a minute (see Idea #80), remains in the center of the stage with machines keeping him alive. Ron and the Producer are in a heated argument.

Ron

We are finishing this show!

Producer

Richard was dead for two minutes!

Ron

"WAS" dead. He's fine now.

Producer

This discussion is over. The ambulance is coming to take Richard to the hospital.

Ron

How are we going to get that prize money? We beat Mantooth and you know it. Just because Dawson can't bleed on the outside like a normal person doesn't mean-

Producer

You can just have the money for your charity.

Ron

Oh.

(confused)

Really?

Producer

Yes.

Ron

Well, that's good.

(to news team)

Guys, we won!

(to producer)

Can we get a picture to remember this by?

Producer

Fine.

Cut to a snap shot of Ron, Champ, Brick, and the Nurse standing beside Richard Dawson's comatose body showing exuberance about winning Family Feud.

Cut to much later. Brian opens the door of the sound proof booth.

Brian

Guys? Hello? Anyone? Can I come out now?

Idea #80

2008-08-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Richard Dawson, in a coma as a result of an unfortunate fast money answer coincidence (see Idea #79), rests in the middle of the Family Feud set with hospital monitors beeping around him. A nurse checks his vitals. Ron is nearby talking to the Producer.

Producer

We are going against his doctor's recommendation. Actually we're going against common sense.

Ron

He said he was going to finish this show and we can help him do that. It could be his dying wish. What if he doesn't wake up? You want that on your head?

Producer

Well, no, but what you are suggesting is ridiculous.

Ron

Ridiculous or brilliant?

Producer

You heard what I said.

Ron

Just point the cameras.

(turns to Champ)

Champ? Like we talked about.

Champ walks to the center of the stage by Richard Dawson's bed. Ron walks over to the nurse.

Ron

These machines are making too much noise. Can you stop the beeping?

Nurse

The only way to stop the beeping is to shut off the machines.

Ron

Ok.

Nurse

The machines are keeping him alive right now.

Ron

Can we shut them off for a little bit?

Nurse

But he won't be breathing.

Ron

Ok, but I can hold my breath for five minutes.

Nurse

No you can't.

Ron

Well, it's close to that. Anyway, we can get through this real fast. Double time.

Nurse

He could end up with brain damage.

Ron

We'll be quick.

Nurse

No!

Ron

Sorry to have to do this.

(beat)

Brick, unplug him.

Cut to Brick pulling the plug. The machines stop functioning. Ron jumps into the bed with Richard Dawson. Champ gets under the bed.

Ron

Roll cameras!

The camera shows Ron and Richard Dawson next to each other.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Welcome back to The Feud!

Ron reaches over and presses on Richard Dawson's chin to open and close the mouth in time with Champ's talking.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

Let's see how you did, Ron.

Ron

I'm excited, Dawson.

Champ (O.C.)

(impersonating Richard Dawson badly)

First question: Name a char-

Producer

(over house speakers)

I'm shutting this down.

Ron

What?!?

Producer

(over house speakers)

This isn't right.

Ron

The man may be dying! This is all he ever wanted!

Brick (O.S.)

Ron? Uh, Ron?

Ron

Not now, Brick!

Brick

Should I plug him back in?

Nurse

Yes!

Ron

Oh, yeah. Plug him in.

Brick plugs him in and the machines start functioning again. The nurse checks to make sure Richard Dawson is still alive. He is. The nurse breathes out relieved.

Ron

Ok, let's do this again. From the top!

Producer

(over house speakers)

No!

Ron

Fine. Let's take five. Let the man breathe for a bit. Probably too soon to unplug him again.

See you tomorrow for the dramatic conclusion to Family Feud week at I Wanna Write Anchorman 2.

Idea #79

2008-08-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Richard Dawson, in a hospital bed due to injuries suffered during regular play (see Idea #78), gets set to push himself through fast money with the winning team, Channel Four News.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back! Channel Four, are you ready to play fast money for five thousand dollars?

Channel Four

Yes!

Richard Dawson

Ok, I need two of you.

Ron and Brick come forward.

Richard Dawson

Not Brick. Use Brian.

Ron

You can't tell us who to-

Richard Dawson

This is my show!

(coughs)

Brian or I bring back Channel Nine and give them the win.

Ron

Brian it is.

Brick turns around and goes back. Brian passes him on the way to center stage.

Richard Dawson

Who's going first?

Ron

I am.

Richard Dawson

Ok, Ron come to my left. Brian go backstage.

Richard Dawson, from his bed, points in some direction off stage. Ron takes a position next to Dawson. Brian leaves.

Richard Dawson

I'm gonna ask-

Producer

(over house speakers)

Richard?

Richard Dawson

What now?

Producer

(over house speakers)

We can't get a shot of your face and Ron's with you in the bed.

Ron

I can get in the bed with him.

Richard Dawson

No way.

Producer

(over house speakers)

It's either that or sit up.

Richard Dawson

Fine.

Ron gets into the bed next to Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Can we continue?

Producer

(over house speaker)

It looks good. Go.

Richard Dawson

I'm gonna ask you five questions in fifteen seconds. Try to give me the most popular answer. If you can't think of something, say "Pass." Now, if you and Brian can rack up two hundred points, you will win five thousand dollars for your charity. Fifteen seconds on the clock.

(groans)

Time will-

Ron

I can have Champ rub your side. Champ?

Richard Dawson

No, let's just finish. Time will start after I read the first question. I'd say "Good Luck" but I hate you all.

(beat)

Name a character from the Wizard of Oz.

Ron

Dorothy.

Richard Dawson

Name the planet's greatest enemy.

Ron

Man.

Richard Dawson

Name something you lose as a child that makes you sad.

Ron

Tooth.

Richard Dawson

Name a method of finishing a lollipop.

Ron

Licks.

Richard Dawson

Name something essential to gym class.

Ron

Balls.

Richard Dawson

Let's see how you did. Do you feel good?

Ron

I feel great, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Jimmy, wheel me around to face the board.

Jimmy turns the bed with Ron and Dawson in it 180 degrees. After a beat, Ron starts laughing.

Ron

(laughing)

Hey Champ, look at the board.

Champ looks and starts laughing and Brick joins in because. Reading the answers down, the board reads "Dorothy Man Tooth Licks Balls." A loud yell can be heard off stage. It gets louder as Wes Mantooth emerges on the set and dives at Ron, knocking over the bed with Richard Dawson in it. Another brawl breaks out with Richard Dawson lying on the ground lifeless. The show cuts to commercial.

Idea #78

2008-08-14T05:21:00.000-07:00

Richard Dawson passed out from internal injuries suffered during the brawl (see Idea #77).

Cut to a close-up of Richard Dawson's face. There is a white background and his face is still bandaged and bruised.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back to The Feud! Sorry for the technical difficulties. When we last left off, Channel Four won control of the board and it was Champ's turn.

(beat)

Jimmy, why don't you bring me closer? I can still point.

The camera pulls back to show Richard Dawson lying on a hospital bed in the studio with IV bags hanging next to him. Jimmy, a young intern, is holding the mic by Dawson's face.

Producer

(over house speakers)

Richard, maybe you should listen to your doctors and put that bed in a hospital.

Richard Dawson

We are finishing this fucking show! Get rid of the last two answers! Make this a top four board and triple the values!

Cuts to the board and answer plates five and six flip over to become blanks.

Richard Dawson

Wheel me over there, Jimmy! Let's go!

Jimmy rolls the bed over by Champ.

Richard Dawson

Roll cameras!

(beat)

Champ, name a fruit you can take your family to pick.

Champ

Strawberries.

Richard Dawson

Show me strawberries!

Richard Dawson points with his non-IV arm in the general direction of the board. The camera shows the board with three possible answers. After a pause, the number two answer plate flips to read "STRAWBERRIES 24."

Richard Dawson

Number two answer and that's enough to win the game!

Wes Mantooth

Oh, come on! How is that fair?!?

Richard Dawson

Mantooth, I will cut you! You lost! This is my show!

Ron

Suck it, Mantooth!

Richard Dawson

I'll cut you next, Burgundy!

Ron

Easy, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

(calmly)

Thanks for playing Channel Nine. Your charity would be getting something but that money is going to pay for my hospital bills. You can tell those disappointed children that they don't get water to fill their pool because you put Richard Dawson on a gurney.

(beat)

Burgundy, pick two people to play fast money.

(beat)

We'll be back after this.

Producer

(over house speakers)

Commercial.

Richard Dawson

Someone get me a fucking pain pill!

Idea #77

2008-08-13T12:20:00.000-07:00

The face off for Round Two is about to be under way (see Idea #76).

Richard Dawson

Welcome back to The Feud!

(beat)

Brian? Craig? Come on up.

Brian from Channel Four and Craig from Channel Nine come to the face off podium. Craig extends his hand to shake Brian's. Brian goes to shake his hand and Craig quickly pulls his hand away and smoothes his hair in a slick motion. Brian quickly punches Craig in the face. A brawl breaks out between both news teams. Richard Dawson gets caught in the middle.

Cut to Richard Dawson standing at the face off podium. His nose is bandaged and both of his eyes are bruised.

Richard Dawson

Welcome back to The Feud!

(groans and holds side)

We're going to try something different. We're going to do the face off portion from where the current contestants are standing. They are going to yell out an answer and whoever yells out the best answer first, wins the turn. Brian? Craig? Ready?

Brian has a bandage under his right eye and Craig is missing two teeth when he smiles.

Richard Dawson

We asked one hundred people the following question. Top six answers are on the board. Name a fruit-

Ron

Wes Mantooth.

Ron and his news team laugh.

Richard Dawson

Dammit, Ron! How many hours is it going to take to shoot this show?

Ron

Sorry, Richard Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Let's keep this moving. Name a fruit you can take your family to pick.

Brian

Apples!

Richard Dawson

I heard apples. Show me apples.

It shows the board with six possible answers. After a pause, the number one answer plate flips to show "APPLES 55." Ron and the gang high five each other.

Richard Dawson

Number one answer.

(winces)

I think I'm going to host from over here. Besides, I don't want to get too close to "Right Hook" Tamland over there. You have fists like your first name.

Brick

I drink a lot of milk.

Richard Dawson

Champ.

Blood starts to fall out of Richard Dawson's ear.

Richard Dawson

Champ, name a-

Richard Dawson's eyes roll back a little and he sways before steadying himself.

Ron

Are you ok, Dawson?

Richard Dawson

I'm fine. Champ-

Richard Dawson falls to the floor. The show cuts to commercial.

Idea #76

2008-08-12T05:40:00.000-07:00

Ron won the face off with Wes (see Idea #75) and is back at the news team feud station.

Richard Dawson

Ron, who are these people you're playing with for those people who don't know you?

Ron

You mean the ones living under a rock?

(chuckles)

This is Brian. He's our man on the street and our best dresser next to yours truly. Next, we have Champ Kind, our sports guy and resident crazy person. Every office has one. Right, Dawson?

Richard Dawson

Sure, Ron.

Ron

And, finally, Brick Tamland. Brick is our weatherman and he's special like you and me.

Richard Dawson

Great. Let's keep this going with Brian. Brian, name something that comes in pairs.

(in repeat voice)

Something that comes in pairs.

Brian

Shoes.

Channel Four News Team

Good answer! Great answer!

Brick

I have shoes.

Richard Dawson

Shoes do come in pairs. Show me "shoes."

It shows the board with four possible answers. After a pause, the number two answer plate flips to show "SHOES 28." Ron and the gang clap.

Richard Dawson

Champ. Something that comes in pairs.

Champ

Handcuffs.

Richard Dawson

Handcuffs?

Champ

There's one for each wrist.

Richard Dawson

Ok. Show me "handcuffs."

It shows the board with three possible answers. After a short pause a buzzer sounds and a red "X" appears for the viewing audience.

Richard Dawson

That's ok. You're allowed two wrong answers.

(beat)

Brick.

Brick

I'm ready to play this game.

Richard Dawson

Good, Brick. Name something that comes in pairs.

Brick

Slacks.

Channel Four News Team

Good answer!

Richard Dawson

A pair of slacks!

It shows the board with three possible answers. After a pause, the number three answer plate flips to show "PANTS 12." Ron and the gang clap.

Richard Dawson

Ron, we are back to you. Two answers left on the board. You have one strike.

Ron

Yeah, because Champ gets arrested every week.

Champ

It's a problem I'm dealing with.

Richard Dawson

Ok, guys. Ron, name something that comes in pairs.

Ron

Twins. Blondes, brunettes, doesn't matter to me.

Richard Dawson

Ok. Double your pleasure, double your fun. Show me "twins."

It shows the board with two possible answers. After a pause, the number five answer plate flips to show "TWINS 5." Ron and the gang clap.

Ron

Super duper!

Richard Dawson

One answer left. Brian. Pairs. Something.

Brian

I'm blanking.

Richard Dawson

Three seconds.

Brian

Uhhhh.

After a short pause a buzzer sounds and a red "X" appears for the viewing audience.

Brian

Damn.

Richard Dawson

Channel Nine, be ready to steal.

(beat)

Ok, Champ. One answer left on the board. No strikes left.

Ron

Don't fuck this up.

Richard Dawson

Ron, language.

(to producers)

Can we bleep that?

Ron

Champ, you better get this. I'll have Harken fire you.

Richard Dawson

Ron!

(beat)

Champ, something that comes in pairs.

Ron

I'm going to kick you in a pair.

Champ

Ok.

Ron

I'm going to sneak into your house late at night dressed all in black and strangle you. On my hands, I'm going to wear-

Champ

Gloves!

Richard Dawson

Gloves? Show me "gloves."

It shows the board with one possible answer. After a pause, the number four answer plate flips to show "GLOVES 9." Ron and the gang jump up and down together.

Ron

(to Champ)

You get to live! Hooray!

Richard Dawson

When we come back, the point values are doubled. Stick around.

Idea #75

2008-08-11T05:22:00.001-07:00

Ron and the news team vie against Wes Mantooth and his news team on Family Feud (see Idea #74). Ron and Wes come up to "face off."

Richard Dawson

Before we begin, Ron, which charity is Channel Four News playing for?

Ron

We will be playing for UNICEF and all that they do around the world.

Richard Dawson

Very good. And you Wes?

Wes Mantooth

The San Diego YMCA.

Ron laughs. Wes looks at him. Ron coughs into his fist.

Ron

I'm sorry.

Wes Mantooth

Do you have a problem with our charity?

Ron

No. I was wondering, though, how many Nobel Peace Prizes the San Diego YMCA has won.

Richard Dawson

Gentlemen, let's save it for the game.

Ron

It's saved, Dawson.

Richard Dawson

Good. Now shake hands?

Both are involved in a death stare.

Richard Dawson

Ok, remember this is for fun and good causes.

Ron

(quietly)

Ours is better.

Wes Mantooth

You know what Burgundy?

Richard Dawson

Guys!

(composes)

Top five answers on the board. Name something that comes in pairs.

Ron and Wes both slap the buzzer. Wes got it in just before.

Richard Dawson

Wes.

Wes Mantooth

Boobs.

(laughs)

No, seriously, socks.

Richard Dawson

I'm sorry. We have to go with your first answer.

Wes Mantooth

I was clearly joking.

Ron

It's Feud Law. Deal with it.

Wes Mantooth

Stay out of this Burgundy!

Richard Dawson

I'm sorry. Show me "boobs."

It shows the board with five possible answers. After a short pause a buzzer sounds and a red "X" appears for the viewing audience. It cuts back to the front podium.

Richard Dawson

Ron, it's your turn.

Ron

Well, on behalf of San Diego newspeople, I want to apologize for my peer's unfortunate answer. I will go with "socks."

Richard Dawson

Show me "socks."

It shows the board with five possible answers. After a pause, the number one answer plate flips to show, "SOCKS 42."

Richard Dawson

The number one answer! Wes, go back to your side and be ready to steal.

Wes Mantooth

But he stole my answer!

Richard Dawson

We have to take your first answer.

(building excitement)

Let's meet the Channel Four News Team!

Ron walks back to his spot at the head of the news team feud station.

Seriously, Round One next time.

Idea #74

2008-08-10T18:01:00.000-07:00

Ron and the rest of the Channel Four News Team take on Wes Mantooth and the Channel Nine News Team on a celebrity edition of Family Feud.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

It's time for the Family Feud!

The camera cuts to the opening that reads "Channel Four." The window opens to show Ron standing proudly. Brick is facing the wrong direction. Brian is play-choking Champ.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

Introducing the first news team. Channel Four News. Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ. Ready for action!

Ron and the gang run out of the room. The camera cuts to the opening that reads "Channel Nine." The window opens to show Wes Mantooth standing significantly in front of the three other news members.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

And the second news team. Channel Nine News. Wes, Craig, Fran, and Bart. On your marks...let's start...THE FAMILY FEEEEUUUUUD!

Wes and the rest of the news team run out of the room.

Gene Wood (V.O.)

With the star of Family Feud, RICHARD DAWSON!

Richard Dawson enters the stage.

Richard Dawson

Thank you, Gene. Welcome to the Feud. Two of San Diego's finest news teams.

Ron

The best right here, Richard.

Richard Dawson

Ok, Ron. Thanks.

(beat)

As you know, the first team to two hundred dollars wins the game and gets a chance to play Fast Money for your charities. Let's start the feud. Ron, Wes. Come on up.

Round One next time.

Idea #73

2008-08-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

Ron stops by Champ's office to see what his plans are for lunch. Champ is sitting at his desk with his hat pulled down taking a nap. On the wall is a tear-away pad with the number 683 on it. Written above the pad is "Nadia and Champ." Ron knocks.

Ron

Hey, Champ. What are you doing for lunch?

Champ

I feel like ribs and beer.

Ron

Sounds good.

(points to wall)

What's that?

Champ

You like it?

Ron

I don't know. I don't know what it is, yet. How can I form an opinion?

Champ

It's my official countdown to when I can be with Nadia Coma-Comani-that gymnast.

Ron

The one from the Olympics?

Ron

Yup. That's how many days until she's sixteen.

Ron

Isn't the age of consent eighteen? You've gotten in trouble for that mixup before.

Champ

I got it covered this time. She only has to be sixteen in St. Kitts.

Ron

Where's that?

Champ

Beats the hell out of me but have you seen the way she bends? I'll find St. Kitts for that. Am I right?

Ron

Yes?

Champ

Forget her routine, her body's a perfect 10.

Ron

She's shaped like a toddler. Besides, you're going to forget who she is two weeks after the Olympics are over.

Champ

That's not true. She will be mine.

Cut to twelve days later. Ron stops by Champ's office for lunch plans. Champ is not there. On the wall, the name "Nadia" is crossed out and written above is "Kate Jackson." Ron smirks.

Idea #72

2008-08-08T05:13:00.000-07:00

Ron, Champ, Brick, and Brian go to see Star Wars as the hype is too much for them to ignore. After the movie, they walk out of the theater.

Ron

I don't get why everybody likes it.

Champ

It's some stupid, nerd movie. Let's go to a bar.

Brian

How do you even know what kind of movie it was? You slept through the whole thing.

Champ

I sleep through stupid, nerd movies. Case closed.

Ron

Here here.

Brian

I liked it. What did you think Brick?

Brick

It was good. I think Darth Vader is Luke's dad and Leia is Luke's sister.

Brian

And Chewbacca is Luke's uncle.

Brian laughs.

Brick

No, Chewbacca's not the same species.

Ron

Seriously, let's go to the bar.

Brian

There's going to be a sequel.

Ron

Well, unless they put that girl in some kind of a futuristic bikini, count me out.

Brian

Fine, Brick and I will go.

Champ

Meesa so excited for your gay date. Meesa can't wait for you and Brick to get married.

Brian

What the hell are you doing?

Ron

Yeah, Champ. That was offensive.

As the guys walk off screen, a man stands up from behind the garbage can. He is in the shadows. He walks forward into the light. It's George Lucas. He has a notepad and he writes in it.

George Lucas

(writing)

Luke's sister.

(beat, writing)

Futuristic bikini.

(beat, writing)

Offensive "meesa" character.

(to himself)

George, you are so smart. You are going to be rich.

(back to himself)

I know.

George Lucas pulls out a mirror and starts making out with his reflection in the parking lot of the movie theater.

Idea #71

2008-08-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

Brian shows up at Ron's office at the end of the work day. He has a sexy woman on each arm. Gina on the left. Marci on the right.

Brian

You got any plans for tonight? We're looking for a fourth.

Ron

This must be my lucky day.

The girls giggle.

Ron

So, where are we taking these fine ladies?

Brian

I don't know, girls. Where do you wanna go?

Marci

Can we go to the roller disco?

Brian

I don't know.

Marci

Please!

Gina

Please!

Brian goes by Ron.

Brian

(under breath)

What's a roller disco?

Ron

(under breath)

I don't know. I think they made it up. Maybe it's what they call their place.

Ron

(to girls)

Let's do it.

The girls cheer.

Cut to later. There is a closeup of Ron and Brian in their work suits leaning and talking. Gina and Marci are not in sight. There is disco music playing in the background.

Ron

This is not what I expected at all.

Brian

It makes sense. A roller disco would involve roller skates and disco music.

Ron

You're right. We should have seen this coming.

Brian

I feel overdressed.

Ron

Don't. These other guys look like freaky hobos. Tight, glittery pants don't even belong on a woman.

Brian

Shall we?

Ron

We didn't pay to stand around.

The camera pulls back to show Ron and Brian push off from the rink wall. They both fall hard. Gina and Marci skate to them and help them up.

Gina

Have you boys done this before?

Ron

Of course. I'm just not so good on these rented skates. If I had my own-

Gina

Do you want to go to your place and get the skates?

Ron

I'm worried if we go back to my place, we won't come back.

Gina

Why?

Ron

Because we'd have sex.

Gina

Oh.

(giggle)

That wouldn't be so bad.

Brian

Uh, Ron.

Ron

What is it?

Brian

(under breath to Ron)

I thought I was with Gina.

Ron

(to Brian)

She seems to want to be with me.

Marci

Can I come have sex too?

Ron

Sure.

(to Brian)

Can you get home ok?

Brian

Are you really doing this?

Ron

It looks like it. This is a bad friend move and I apologize already.

Brian

Can you at least drop me off?

Ron

Nope. They seem to be in a hurry.

(beat)

Well, take care.

Ron and the girls leave. Brian kicks the air in anger and falls down.

Idea #70

2008-08-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

After an influx of intra-office fighting, the higher-ups at the news station decide to try out Large Group Awareness Training. All employees of the Channel 4 News Station are required to attend this four day seminar taking place at a secluded Howard Johnson's.

Day One, 9:03 AM

In the conference room at the Howard Johnson's, the employees sit in folding chairs facing the front of the room. At the front of the room, holding a megaphone, is the guru, Harvey Grohl. Standing behind him is another man, Robert. Ron, Champ, and Brian walk in late and hungover. Brick is seated in the front with a pen and paper. The only remaining chairs are in the front next to him.

Harvey

Guys, please, there are perfectly good seats in the front.

Ron

How long is this gonna take? I got a date tonight.

Harvey

You are going to have to cancel that date. I have you for another 95 hours and change.

Champ

Can we at least turn the lights off in here?

Harvey

No. Let's begin, shall we?

(beat)

Your boss tells me that you guys have been fighting a lot in the office lately. Well, we're going to put an end to that with my patented strategy. My assistant Robert will help me demonstrate one of the things we are going to learn over the next four days. Robert?

Robert walks forward wearing a white t-shirt. Harvey takes out a marker.

Harvey

(pointing to Brian)

What is your name?

Brian

Brian.

Harvey

Brian, what makes you mad at the office?

Brian

When Harken makes me report from the field.

Ed Harken stands up.

That's your job! That's the only thing you do!

Brian

That's the only thing you let me do.

Harvey

Ed, this is Brian's turn. You'll get yours. Ok.

Harvey takes the marker and writes on Robert's t-shirt.

Harvey

(says words as he writes them)

Reporting...From...the...Field

(straightens up)

Ok, I call this one Three Kicks and a Hug. Now, I'm Brian. I don't like reporting from the field. In this case, Robert is "reporting from the field."

(beat)

NO!

Harvey kicks Robert in the shin. Robert grabs his shin.

Harvey

NO!

Harvey kicks Robert in the groin. Robert doubles over and grabs his groin while hopping on one leg.

Harvey

NO!

Harvey roundhouse kicks Robert in the head sending him flying to the ground. Harvey pounces on Robert and holds him like he's dying in his arms.

Harvey

(near tears)

I'm sorry "Reporting From the Field." What have I done?

(crying and shouting)

NOOOOOOO! I'LL NEVER SAY A BAD THING ABOUT YOU AGAIN!

Harvey rolls Robert, who is unconscious, off of him and stands up. He gathers himself.

Harvey

And that is one of my many techniques.

(to Brian)

How do you feel about reporting from the field now?

Brian

The same.

Harvey

Oooo, a tough nut to crack. I like a challenge.

(beat)

Well, let's take a break so I can find another assistant. Let's say thirty minutes. You guys can still catch the breakfast buffet. Anyone here know where the nearest bus stop is or homeless shelter?

No one answers and shuffles out of the room. Harvey drags Robert out through the emergency exit.

Idea #69

2008-08-05T04:37:00.000-07:00

Ron has a date with the new secretary Madeline. She is 22 and very attractive. They are at dinner in a fancy restaurant. In front of each of them is a plate of Beef Wellington. She is not eating.

Ron

Madeline. That's an odd name.

Madeline

I was named after the children's book about the little girl in France.

Ron

What's it called?

Madeline

Madeline.

Ron

I've never heard of it. What's it about?

Madeline

(annoyed)

A little girl in France.

Ron

(not really paying attention anymore)

Fascinating.

(beat)

Are you enjoying your meal? They have the best Beef Wellington.

Madeline

Yeah. I don't eat this. I tried to tell you while you were ordering for me but you put your finger over my mouth from across the table.

Ron

You can do to put a few pounds on that frame.

Madeline

(takes deep breath)

What I'm saying is I don't eat meat.

Ron

(in a lower voice)

You can eat it. I won't tell any of your cult members.

Madeline

I'm going to order a salad.

Ron

I'll have them wrap that up so you can take it home. You know, eat it in private.

Madeline

I'm just going to go. This was a mistake. You're too old for me.

Ron

Too old for you? I'm 28!

Madeline

So that means you've been doing the news since you were 12?

Ron

I matured at a very early age. I had this mustache when I was 10. It was a glandular thing.

Madeline

Good night, Mr. Burgundy.

Madeline walks away.

Ron

You're not going to wait for your doggie bag!

(beat)

See you at work tomorrow!

Idea #68

2008-08-04T04:51:00.000-07:00

Ron and the guys are hanging out in his office. There is a Rubik's Cube on his desk and it is all jumbled.

Ron

They were working together as one. It was like making love to a spider. A sexy spider with four boobies and hair that smelled like an orange grove.

Champ

I've never had a threesome. I've had a foursome and an eightsome but never a threesome.

Brian

What's an eightsome like?

Champ

A lot of jockeying for position. A lot of peeing. It's very territorial.

Brian

I can see that.

Brick

(pointing to the Rubik's Cube)

What's that on your desk? It's pretty.

Ron

(picking it up)

It's a Rubik's Cube. It's some game where you have to get each side to be one color.

Brian

I've heard of that. They say no one can solve it.

Brick

Can I try it?

Ron throws it to Brick. Brick twists one of the rows in fascination and leaves the room.

Cut to Ron's office a few hours later. Ron is by himself on the verge of falling asleep. Brick walks in with his hand behind his back.

Ron

Hey, Brick, you missed lunch.

Brick

Yeah.

Ron

Did you get anywhere with that Cube?

Cut to earlier in Brick's office. Brick moves another row and completes the yellow side. He looks happy.

Brick

Yeah.

Cut back to Ron's office. Brick steps forward, takes his hand from behind his back, and puts two square pieces from the Rubik's Cube on Ron's desk. One is chipped. Ron looks confused.

Ron

What happened?

Cut back to earlier in Brick's office. He just finished the yellow side. He's happy and turns the cube and starts fuming.

Brick

But I did the green side! Why don't the sides stay when you finish them!?!

Brick lets out a scream and throws the cube across the floor. He jumps with both feet on top of it. There is lots of profanity. He stomps on it.

Cut to outside Brick's door. A woman walks by and hears the banging and screaming through the door.

Cut back inside Brick's office. He is slamming a bat into the Cube on the ground.

Brick

Stupid rainbow square!

Brick, screaming, takes one last rage-filled swing with the bat. It cuts back to Ron's office before the swing is finished.

Brick

I dropped it.

Idea #67

2008-08-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

Ron Burgundy goes on a date with Farrah Fawcett. The two of them are seated at a restaurant for a nice dinner.

Ron

Wow. You are beautiful. I would say you look like an angel but you probably get that a lot.

Ron laughs. She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

I always thought I could be in movies. I mean, I have the face. People don't realize what they are getting for free when they tune into the news of which I am the anchor for.

She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

I enjoy your show. Have you ever seen Charlie?

She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

You don't talk very much, do you? I know you can. I've seen it on TV.

She stares blankly.

Flash to later.

Ron

I think your hair looks stupid. And I know good hair.

(beat)

Nothing? What's wrong with you? Frankly, I should have just gone on a date with your poster. I've had more fun with that thing than I've had with you tonight. That is to mean I've masturbated to it.

Cut to the next day. The guys are in Ron's office.

Brian

So, how was it? Was she like that poster?

Ron

Better.

Idea #66

2008-08-01T05:24:00.000-07:00

A crowd is gathered in the center of the news bullpen. Ron walks in and notices the crowd. They don't notice him. There is a cheer.

Ron

(to himself)

But, I'm over here.

Ron walks over to the crowd and pushes his way through. He sees Brian near the front.

Ron

Brian!

Brian

Ron, come up here. You have to see this.

Ron gets to the front and finds Brick sitting in front of the television playing Pong. He does not miss.

Brian

Brick hasn't missed once. He's been playing all night. He hasn't eaten, gone to the bathroom. I don't think he's blinked.

Ron

Brick, you ok?

Brick doesn't answer.

Brian

He's in some kind of zone. Watch.

Brian walks up and waves his hand in front of Brick's face. Nothing changes. He tickles Brick's nose. Nothing. Champ walks up.

Champ

I got it.

Champ punches Brick in the face. He leans over due to the force of the punch but leans right back and continues playing.

Ron

That's incredible.

(beat)

How's he going to do the weather?

Brian

I don't know.

Cut to the news telecast and Ron is sitting in the anchor chair.

Ron

We not turn it over to Brick Tamland with weather.

Cut to Brick staring blank-faced at the screen. The weather map is behind him and Brian is standing next to him.

Champ (O.C.)

(in a high-pitched, sounds nothing like Brick-voice)

The weather's nice out. Over here...

Brian lifts Brick's arms holding the controller to California.

Champ (O.C.)

(in same voice as before)

it's 74. Back to you, Ron.

Brian points Brick's arms towards Ron.

Cut to Ron staring blankly off camera in the direction of where Brick was. He gathers himself and smiles at the camera.

Ron

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

Idea #65

2008-07-31T04:12:00.000-07:00

Ron and the guys are talking in his office.

Ron

I got a waterbed yesterday.

Champ

I hear those are good for sex.

Ron

(proudly)

That's what I hear.

Brick

Won't you drown in your sleep?

Ron

No, Brick. The bed is filled with water. The bed isn't water.

Brian

How does Veronica feel about this?

Ron

I haven't told her yet.

Brian

She's going to be pissed. Doesn't she get sea sick?

Ron

No.

Champ

Yeah, remember that piece she had to do about the whale watching ships? She came home 10 pounds lighter. Hoo wee.

Ron

That's a ship and this is a bed.

Cut to Ron's bedroom. He is sitting on the bed with some bobbing motion. Veronica is off screen puking in the bathroom.

Ron

What if we get you some dramamine?

Veronica (O.S.)

You are taking that thing back.

Ron

But we didn't even get to christen it. That's the whole reason I bought it.

Veronica (O.S.)

(vomit noise)

Take it back!

Idea #64

2008-07-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

Brian and Brick filled two shopping carts full of food and were heading back to the news station when a police officer got in the way (see Idea #58). Brian and Brick put their hands up.

Police Officer

People don't take too kindly to looting and rioting in these parts.

Brian

Look, we're not looting. There's no one to pay and we really need the food.

Police Officer

Oh, you really need the food.

Brick nods.

Police Officer

Do you really need a gun?

Police Officer offers his gun to them.

Brian

No.

Police Officer unbuckles his belt.

Police Officer

How about a pair of pants? Do you really need a pair of pants?

Brian

Officer, my name is Brian Fantana and this is Brick Tamland. We are part of the Channel Four News Team. We are going to pay the store for the food when the storm is over.

Police Officer

So, you think because you're on the radio.

Brick

Television.

Police Officer

Excuse me. Television. I'm supposed to let you steal from this store.

Brian

No, but it's not like we're going to flee.

Police Officer

What are you doing right now?

Brick

Fleeing.

Brian

Shut up, Brick.

Brick

Sorry.

Police Officer

Well, boys, it's time to arrest you. Just think though, Steve McQueen was arrested and so was Jane Fonda. Now, they can add Brian Santana and Brick Whatever to the list.

Brian

What if we gave you the money for the food?

Police Officer

(muses over it)

What about the window you broke?

Brian

The window too.

Police Officer

I'd have to get an estimate. I know a good glass guy.

Brian pulls out his wallet. He tries to remain calm but he is frustrated.

Brian

I have a hundred dollars. That has to be enough.

Police Officer

I'll take the hundred dollars and let you go but you have to do something for me.

Brian

Thank you, sir. Anything you want.

Police Officer

I want you guys to hug each other...tenderly.

Brian

What?

Police Officer

Hug your friend and be gentle about it.

(beat)

Do you want to go to jail?

Brian hesitantly approaches Brick. Brick has his arms open and a smile on his face. Brian has a look of disgust. They hug and let go real fast.

Police Officer

That wasn't gentle. Again.

Brian and Brick hug and hold it.

Police Officer

Rub his back, Brian.

Brian rubs Brick's back.

Police Officer

Now, kiss.

Brian breaks the hug. Brick lingered a little long.

Brian

No way.

Police Officer

Then it's jail and no food for your friends.

Brian hesitates and looks at Brick. He closes his eyes momentarily and takes a breath.

Cut to Brian and Brick at the news station. Employees are emptying the carts. Ron comes up to them.

Ron

Guys, you did it! Looks like quite a feast. Did you run into any trouble?

Ron puts his arm around Brian but Brian recoils.

Brick

We-

Brian

(glares at Brick)

No trouble at all.

Cut to the interior of a van. The police officer is sitting in the back with another man.

Police Officer

You got all of that on tape.

Other Man

(lifts video camera)

Yup.

Police Officer

This is going to be one of the best episodes of Candid Camera ever.

Idea #63

2008-07-29T04:38:00.000-07:00

Ron walks into the office with headphones on his ears and a wire going from them to a rectangular, electronic device attached to his belt. He is bopping his head and pointing as he walks by people.

Brian

Hey, Ron.

Ron

(loudly)

What? I can't hear you!

Brian

(louder)

Ron, what is that thing?

Ron

(loudly)

It's a Walkman! It lets me listen to music as I walk!

Brian

(loudly)

Wow!

Ron

(loudly)

I know!

Brian

(loudly)

What are you listening to?

Ron

(loudly)

It's the instructions on how to use it and-

Brian makes a motion for Ron to take his headphones off. Ron does.

Ron

(normal)

and things I can do with it.

Brian

So, you can take music with you anywhere?

Ron

That's what it tells me.

Brian

Do you even own any cassettes?

Ron

No, I'm a vinyl man but I heard somewhere that these were the future.

Brian

Veronica said that yesterday on the news. She was sitting right next to you.

Ron

(acting oblivious)

Veronica still works here?

Brian

Oh, I forgot you were still mad about her going on a date with Mantooth and you're pretending she died.

Cut to the news desk a few days ago. Ron and Veronica are sitting side by side.

Ron

Good evening, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy and with me as always-

(angry)

Now, that's not funny, guys. Veronica is dead. She got mauled by a bear.

Veronica

How long is this going to last?

Ron

(lets out a scream)

It's a ghost! Everybody run!

Ron runs off the set.

Cut back to Ron and Brian in the present.

Ron

It's not pretend. I'm bringing in an exorcist. Poor thing, hit by a cab and her soul has to roam the halls of this station.

Veronica walks by.

Veronica

Brian.

(glares)

Ron.

Ron

(calls after her)

Don't worry, Ghost Veronica. Someone's coming to guide your soul to Hell where it belongs.

(to Brian)

It gets really cold when she floats by, doesn't it?

Idea #62

2008-07-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

The news team is broadcasting the news.

Ron

And now on to Champ Kind with sports.

Champ

Hey, sports fans. Whammy! No local sports teams in action tonight but the big news around the sports world is the National League MVP Award went out today and it was a tie. Keith Hernandez of the Cardinals and Willie Stargell of the Pirates shared the honor after having really good seasons both of them.

Ron

Champ?

Champ

Yes, Ron?

Ron

How can there be a tie?

Champ

Well, it's the voting.

Ron

But it's the most valuable. You would think there could only be one. Who did you vote for?

Champ

You have to pick the eight best and then rank them.

Ron

Who was on top of your list?

Champ

Keith Hernandez.

Ron

Fine, then Channel Four News will say Keith Hernandez is the MVP of baseball.

Champ

The National League.

Ron

Nope. Everything.

Champ

Everything?

Ron

Yup, baseball, football, golf, space flight, everything. I'll keep going.

Champ

Can we do that?

Ron

We're live on the news. We can do anything. Watch.

Cut to the control room.

Man #1

Should we cut this?

Director

Let's see where it goes.

Cut back to the news desk.

Ron

Keith Hernandez won the Academy Award for Best Cinematography. Keith Hernandez discovered Guam. Keith-

Ron presses his ear.

Ron

What's that, Brian?

Cut to Brian standing on the street.

Brian

Can I try?

Cut to Ron in the studio.

Ron

Sure.

Cut to Brian standing on the street.

Brian

Keith Hernandez invented the free-range chicken.

Cut to Ron in the studio.

Ron

I don't know what that is but, "Thanks, Keith."

Brick

Keith Hernandez fu-

There is a censor beep and then a cut to a card reading "Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By." Music plays.

Cut back to the studio.

Ron

Thanks, Brick. Very graphic and unnecessary. I suppose I speak for everyone here at Channel Four News by congratulating Keith Hernandez on winning the MVP award for baseball and all the other stuff. Congratulation, Keith.

Idea #61

2008-07-27T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ron is trying to come up with ideas for things he can do quickly that will get him into the genius sperm bank (see Idea #57). He and Brian are in his office.

Brian

I keep coming back to saving the President's life.

Ron

That is a very good one but there are a couple of things wrong with it. Who are we going to get to attack the President?

Brian

Brick can shoot him. He's killed before.

Ron

Well, we don't want to kill the President.

Brian

Right.

Ron

And I don't want to take another bullet. They really hurt.

Brian

He can shoot way off target as you push the President out of the way.

Ron

Ok, let's say Brick does that and then goes to jail for some time. I just don't think the President is going to come to San Diego especially with the virus here.

Brian

You can save the President from the virus.

Ron

I could but I can't save myself from it so...

Brian

Not that.

Ron

No.

(beat)

Come on. We're smart guys. Let's think about this.

Champ walks in looking happy with himself.

Ron

Where have you been?

Champ

Having sex.

Brian

It's been like five days since we've seen you.

Champ

I wanted to see how many women I could have sex with in five days. I'm up to thirty-four.

Ron

Getting all you can before the virus hits. That's smart.

Champ

What virus?

Idea #60

2008-07-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

Ron has seen Veronica's new look (see Idea #51). It's the first day back at work and Ron has the guys in his office.

Champ

Ron said it looked very nice.

Ron

No, I didn't.

Champ

My girlfriend Ron.

Brian

I'm sure it's not that b-

Veronica walks by outside the office wearing a professional woman's suit, sporting that crew cut hair style. Brian notices.

Brian

You have to dump that chick.

Brick

She looks like my cousin Jeff at Halloween.

(beat)

And every Thursday night at Feather's on Downy St.

Ron

I don't know what to do. I thought love could win out over anything but this?

Brian

She looks awful.

Champ

She still has all the right parts. Still got that full moon butt.

Ron

Yes, and that blouseful of happy sacks.

(beat)

I don't know.

Veronica walks into the doorway of Ron's office.

Veronica

Ron.

Ron

Veronica.

Veronica

I've decided to grow back my hair.

Ron pauses.

Ron

One moment.

(beat)

Men, huddle up.

The guys form a huddle while Veronica looks on annoyed.

Brian

That's great news.

Ron

It could be a trick.

Brian

What do you mean?

Ron

If I say, "Thank God, you really did look terrible and I wanted to leave you," she might get offended and do the girl thing where you can't say anything without getting her mad.

Champ

Just say what you feel. Who cares?

Brian

What are you going to do?

Ron

I think I got it.

They break the huddle.

Ron

Veronica, I think whatever you decide to do is super.

Veronica

(skeptical)

Really?

Ron

Y-yes.

Veronica

It is less work like this.

Ron

(on the verge of bursting)

Mmhmm.

Veronica

I'm so glad you had a change of heart. I'm keeping it, then.

Ron

Oh, God. Grow it back. I want my beautiful flower again. You look like a dandelion after it's been picked and blown.

Veronica

You don't love me.

Ron

I do love you, just with longer hair.

Veronica storms away.

Ron

That didn't go well.

Idea #59

2008-07-25T05:10:00.000-07:00

Brian goes out for drinks with Ron so he could talk about his virginity. His last attempt to talk to Ron was interrupted by Champ's eavesdropping (see Idea#41). The two of them are sitting in a booth and Brian keeps looking around.

Ron

What's wrong with you?

Brian

I have to tell you something and I don't want anyone to hear it.

Ron

What'd you do now? Sleep with someone's wife.

Brian

No.

Ron

Ok, but as a television personality, you're entitled.

Brian

I didn't.

Ron

I'm just saying you could.

Brian

That's kinda what this is about.

(deep breath, looks around)

I haven't had sex.

Ron

Today? We can fix that. There's some prime real estate here just waiting for someone like you to move in.

Brian

No, Ron. Ever.

Ron

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're trying to say you've never had sex.

Brian

I haven't. I mean, I get close but then I get scared. I don't know what to do.

Ron

But you always-

Ron pauses. He goes into a flashback of all the sex talks the news gang has had.

Flash 1:

Ron, Brick, Brian, and Champ are standing by the news desk.

Champ

And then she grabbed it and twisted.

Brian

I love when they do that.

Flash 2:

Ron, Brian, and Champ are in Ron's office.

Ron

This girl was a freak in bed so you can imagine what Papa Burgundy had to do.

Champ laughs.

Brian

(eager)

What did you do?

Flash 3:

Ron, Brian, Brick, and Champ are eating ice cream in the park. A pretty woman walks by.

Ron

What would you do with her in bed?

Champ

There would be lots of honey.

Ron

I hear that.

Brian

(dreamily)

Cherish every moment.

We flash back to a horrified Ron. He is about to drop his glass of scotch but realizes there's some left. He drinks it quickly and returns to the position he was in. He then drops the glass in slow motion which breaks on the ground.

Ron

The signs were always there.

Idea #58

2008-07-24T04:45:00.000-07:00

Brian and Brick are out in the hurricane looking for food (see Idea #55). They find a grocery store. The power is out and therefore the automatic doors do not work. Brian pushes on the doors.

Brian

The doors are locked and the power's out. Should we keep looking or break-

Brick lifts a mailbox and throws it through the window as Brian says the word "break."

Brian

Oooookay.

(beat)

Was that a mailbox?

Brick

I think so.

They enter through the open window. Brian tries to lift the mailbox but it's too heavy. He then looks strangely at Brick.

Brick

There's a lot of food in here. Hey, we should bring some of this food back.

Brian

Yeah, that's why we're here.

(beat)

If you didn't-Why did you break the window?

Brick

(shrugging)

I don't know.

They each grab a cart and split up. Brian goes down a few aisles throwing random packaged food into the cart. When he turns the corner, Brick is standing by his empty cart eating an apple and reading a newspaper.

Brian

Brick, you have to put food in the cart. Stay focused. I want to get back as soon as possible. The storm looks like it's getting worse.

Brick

It is. According to this paper, the Padres lost five to four.

Brian

Just put food in the cart and let's go.

Brick hesitates.

Brian

You can keep the apple.

With two carts full of food and garbage bags wrapped over the top to keep everything dry, Brian and Brick push towards the exit. When they get to the front, a police officer is standing there waiting for them.

Officer

Just hold it right there! Don't move!

Idea #57

2008-07-23T05:04:00.000-07:00

After getting nowhere with the national guard at the city border (see Idea #54), Ron and Brian have to do something with the virus threatening their manhood (see Idea #43). They head to a sperm bank but not just any sperm bank, Robert Klark Graham's Repository for Germinal Choice. Back at the news station, Ron calls the "Genius Sperm Bank."

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

Repository for Germinal Choice. How may I help you?

Ron

I'd like to donate my sperm. I'm Ron Burgundy.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

What major awards have you won?

Ron

I've won some regional Emmys.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

How many?

Ron

Six.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

Our conversion chart has ten regional Emmys equal to one real Emmy. You would need two real Emmys. Do you have anything else?

Ron

I'm a beloved television anchorman for Channel Four News.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

Is that in Kansas?

Ron

Kansas!?! No, it's San Diego! It's not far away. You must have seen me.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

I can't say that I have. Look, I don't think you qualify. We have a very distinguished clientele.

Ron

That's why I'm calling. I belong in there. Papa Burgundy's tiny swim team doesn't belong next to regular people, people that can only be referred to as "folks." It frightens me to even think about it. My guys deserve to rub tails with those great men in there.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

I'm sorry, sir.

Ron

I have great hair.

Repository Secretary

(on phone)

I'm sure you do. Maybe if you accomplished some more things, you could call back and try again. Have a good day, sir.

Ron

But-

There is a click. Ron turns to Brian.

Ron

Brian, get your coat. We're going out. I have to make myself good enough for that sperm bank.

Brian

What are you going to do?

Ron

Great things that can be done fast. Let's move.

Idea #56

2008-07-22T04:39:00.000-07:00

Ron and Veronica are sitting on the couch holding hands at their third session of couples therapy. Things have been better at home for them since the dream (see Idea #38).

Dr. Skinner

You guys seem happier.

Veronica

We are.

Dr. Skinner

Does that mean Ron gave up scotch?

Ron

Nope.

Dr. Skinner

But last time we talked about-

Ron

Veronica and I discussed it on the way home that day. I don't need to give up scotch. Right, Peach Pocket?

Veronica

It's true. I was being unreasonable.

Dr. Skinner

This is all very healthy. I'm impressed.

(sadly)

I guess you won't be needing to come in anymore.

Dr. Skinner gives the "one second" sign as the last statement made him choke up a little.

Veronica

Are you ok, Doctor?

Dr. Skinner

(composing)

I'm fine. I just-

Ron

It's ok. Let it out.

Dr. Skinner

(breaking down)

Why does everyone leave me?

Ron and Veronica look at each other confused.

Dr. Skinner

First, it was my parents. Then, my wife.

(mimicking her)

"Oh, you're going to tell couples what to do? That's rich."

(normal voice)

Bitch.

Veronica

Doctor, I-

Dr. Skinner

You shut up! I had to sit here and listen to your stupid, little problems with this-this great man!

(mimicking Veronica)

"I don't want to have sex. I don't want him to drink."

(normal voice)

It's called being a man!

Ron

Now, Doc, I don't like your tone.

Dr. Skinner

Oh, the big anchorman doesn't like my tone. I've always hated your voice.

Veronica gasps. Ron stands up.

Veronica

Ron has a beautiful voice.

Ron

(stands up)

Come on, Sweet Tart, let's go before I punch this man in the head.

Ron and Veronica go to exit the room. Then, there is a slow clapping. They turn around to see Dr. Skinner with a pleasant disposition doing the applauding.

Dr. Skinner

Congratulations. You passed the test.

Veronica

Excuse me?

Dr. Skinner

I wanted to see if you would truly stick by each other. As I yelled out things, you didn't take offense as individuals. You took offense as a couple. This will be your last session.

Veronica

What about the crying?

Dr. Skinner

I did a little acting in college.

Ron

It shows.

Dr. Skinner

Thanks.

Veronica

Then, your wife-

Dr. Skinner

Never been married.

Ron

Wow! That's astonishing! Bravo, Doctor. Bravo. What about my voice?

Dr. Skinner

It's like a full body massage for the whole city. Now, you two be good. I don't want to see you around here anymore.

Ron and Veronica leave pleased.

Idea #55

2008-07-21T05:01:00.000-07:00

It's Day 2 of the State of Emergency (see Idea #39). Ron is still in charge and Garth is still tethered to the support beam with Champ having just replaced his gag (see Idea #45). Ron addresses the staff.

Ron

Ok, people, we have made it through the night. Brian, what's our food situation?

Brian

That's a problem. We have about a day's supply left.

Ron

I thought you said there was enough food for 10 days.

Brian

I guess I wasn't good at math. And a lot of people took seconds at dinner. Champ took thirds.

Champ

I was really hungry. If it's any consolation, I threw it all up.

Ron

How is that a consolation and Brian, why did you give out more than one portion? Where was I during all of this?

Brian

You were having sex in your office with the two new interns.

Ron

I was not.

Brian

You left the shades open and when I came by, you flexed your arm and said, "Hey Brian, the two new interns! Three hours and counting!"

Ron

We actually went six.

Champ

Nice!

Ron

I know.

(checking himself, addressing the concerned people)

Anyway, we have a food problem. Brian and Brick will be in charge of getting more food. They will have to brave the weather and find something.

Brian

Why us?

Ron

Well you messed up and Brick can help you get through the elements with his weather knowledge. If you leave now, you should be back for dinner.

Brian and Brick head off screen. We cut to them dressed in yellow rain gear standing by the exit to the news station. Ron shakes their hands. They go out the door. Wind and water come rushing in. They trudge out into the storm. Ron and Champ strain to pull the door closed behind them.

Brian

(yelling)

Which way do we go?

Brick

(yelling)

It's really bad out. Do you think there's a storm coming?

Idea #54

2008-07-20T04:04:00.000-07:00

Ron and Brian, along with a growing portion of the San Diego male population, remain in a stalemate with the National Guard at the city border (see Idea #47). There is yet to be a cure for the mysterious disease affecting San Diego men (see Idea #43). It's been a few hours since Ron's suit has been ruined and he is growing increasingly desperate to save his sexual potency.

Ron

I think our best chance is to bull rush them.

Brian

That was your idea before and it got you shot. They'll just shoot again.

Ron

Don't you think I know that? Some of us are going to have to do the honorable thing and be human shields.

Man #1

You said "us." Does that mean you're willing to be a human shield?

Ron

No that was for camaraderie.

Man #2

That doesn't seem fair.

Ron

Fair? How is it fair for me to get killed? Think about a world without Ron Burgundy. Think about a world without all of the children I will father. All of those handsome boys. You think that would be fair. How many lives do you touch a day?

Man #2

I don't know but-

Ron

I touch over a million. Can you beat that?

Man #2

No but-

Ron

All those in favor of this guy being a human shield, say I.

Man #2

Wait!

Everyone but Man #2 says I.

Ron

(to Man #2)

How many bullets do you think you can take before you fall down? They seem to have a lot so we're going to need a big effort from you.

Man #2

I'm not doing this.

Ron

Come on. We put it to a vote. Do you want to vote again? I think it would come out the same.

Man #2

I'm going home. I'd rather be impotent than dead.

Man #2 leaves.

Ron

Oh, that's a real great attitude.

Brian

Should we stop him?

Ron

No, let him go. There's plenty more guys here willing to be heroes.

(to the male crowd)

Do we have any human shield volunteers?

There is silence.

Ron

(to Brian)

I think you need to volunteer to get the ball rolling. If you say you'll do it, more will follow.

Brian

I don't want to die, Ron.

Ron

You don't have to. You can just chicken out at the end. By then, it will all be in motion.

Man #1

We can hear you.

Ron

Dammit! What kind of a world do we live in that random men won't lay down their lives to save a beloved anchorman from going sterile? I'm just glad my father's not around to see this.

Idea #53

2008-07-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

In the middle of the oil crisis, California becomes one of the first states to implement gas rationing. If your license plate ends in an even number, you can only get gas on an even-numbered day and vice versa for odds. Ron takes his car to the gas station on the 12th of the month. The gas station attendant meets Ron at his car.

Ron

Fill her up.

Attendant

I'm sorry. I can't do that. Come back tomorrow.

Ron

I don't think you understand who I am.

Attendant

I know who you are but state law says I can't give you gas. Now, if you will move along, the lines are really-

Ron

I'll move when you fill up my car.

Attendant

Sir, today is the 12th and your license plate is "IM #1." I can only give you gas if it ends in an even number.

Ron

Well, I have an even number of fists that say you are going to give me some gas.

Ron puts up Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary.

Attendant

I'm not going to fight you, Mr. Burgundy.

Ron

Then, you are going to get really hurt.

Attendant

Fine. I don't get paid enough for this. Fill it?

Ron

Yeah, it should only be about a gallon. I barely use it but I like to keep the tank topped off.

The attendant rolls his eyes and puts the nozzle in the car.

Idea #52

2008-07-18T04:12:00.000-07:00

Ron and the news team try out a new fad. They throw a toga party.

Ron

I don't know about you but I like this toga. I might wear one to work tomorrow. Is there a formal toga?

Brian

I think you use a silk sheet.

Ron

Maybe I can just put a tie on over it.

Champ

I like how free it is down there.

Ron

I know. This is a real swingers party if you know what I mean.

They all laugh. Brick laughs because the others are. Champ does a swivel-hipped boogie dance.

Brick

I'm wearing my bed.

Brian

(beat)

Hey, did you see that one chick? I think she used a pillow case instead of a sheet.

Champ

Whammy!

Ron

That's Laura. She's the new intern. She brought me some coffee today.

Champ

A new girl? I guess I'll have to show her the ropes.

Champ goes off in search of Laura. Ron watches Champ leave.

Brian

I've been working on a new pickup line for the toga.

Ron

Ok.

Brian

"Do you wanna help me return this sheet to my bed?"

Ron

(not impressed)

It's not bad.

Brick

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Flora, goddess of flowers, in that toga? Any chance I can deflower you?"

Ron and Brian look at Brick dumbfounded.

Idea #51

2008-07-17T04:40:00.000-07:00

Veronica comes in the front door after her salon day with Lady Ron (see Idea #46). Ron hears the door open.

Ron (O.S.)

Honey, is that you?

Veronica

Yes.

Ron walks to the front door.

Ron

How was the-

(looks at her)

Sweet Twiggy's Lashes! What did you do to your head?!?

Veronica

I know it's extreme-

Ron

Extreme?!? You look like a man! A sexy-bodied man...

(beat)

wearing makeup.

Veronica

Are you finished?

Ron

How long is it going to take to grow back?

Veronica

I don't know if I want it to grow back. It feels so free and getting ready in the morning is going to be so much easier.

Ron

They aren't going to let you on the news.

Veronica

Because I have short hair? Be serious, Ron. That's discrimination.

Ron

You look like a turned-on light bulb. Viewers are going to be disgusted.

Veronica

Are you disgusted?

Ron moves up close to her. She opens her arms to hug him. Ron pats her crotch.

Veronica

What are you doing?

Ron

Just checking.

Veronica

(hurt)

You said you would love me if I got in a horrible accident and my face was all scarred. Remember that?

Ron

You have to say that. It's the only way to get a woman to do things to you that she doesn't want to do. Besides, even disfigured, at least you'd look like a disfigured woman. Now, you look like Ziggy Stardust if he went to the army.

Veronica

I hate you! I'm going out!

Veronica runs out of the house.

Ron

(out the door)

Go see if the hairdresser can glue your hair back on!

Idea #50

2008-07-16T04:45:00.000-07:00

Found on Brick's desk with a paper-clipped note reading "Don't Read. Only Brick." was a file stating the following:

CONFIDENTIAL: National Security Agency (NSA)

July 10, 1976

United States Department of Defense Case # 27425

RE: Twelve casualties at a celebrity golf tournament held in San Diego, California

Special Agent Tamland (Code Name "The Deluge") was inadvertantly triggered by one of the celebrity golfers. Tamland is the second operative trained as part of Project Weatherman. Project Weatherman takes vapid meteorologists and, through hypnosis and intense combat training, creates a super agent controllable by a series of trigger words. The trigger words were picked from a list of uncommon English words and obscure international cities.

The incident took place on the 14th tee. Tamland had just completed his swing. The trigger word was "Chalcis" which is a city in ancient Syria. There is one mention of the city in Homer's "Iliad" which until that day was unknown to the Project. Bruce Hume, a local newspaper columnist and victim of the incident, likes to read aloud Greek poetry after a successful tee shot. On the 14th hole, Hume hit his ball into the fairway. After Tamland hit, Hume read the passage:

"And looked just like the shrill mountain owl
Gods call Chalcis..."

With the trigger spoken, The Deluge was unleashed. Everyone who could identify Tamland was killed instantly as a result of the training. Tamland has been debriefed and believes everyone was struck by lightning. The DOD Cleanup Team arrived on the scene shortly after the incident to corroborate that explanation.

Until further notice, Project Weatherman will be shut down and new agents will not be trained.

Idea #49

2008-07-15T04:32:00.000-07:00

The first date between Veronica and Wes Mantooth takes place at a club, very similar to Tino's (the bar Ron took Veronica to on their first date). We look into the evening in flashes.

FLASH 1:

Wes

How do you like this club?

Veronica

It's very nice.

Wes

The San Diego Tribune gave it more stars than Tino's.

FLASH 2:

Wes

I've been taking private lessons on jazz flute. My teacher says I'm quite good, possibly the best in the city. But I don't want to toot my own flute.

He laughs and Veronica nervously chuckles.

FLASH 3:

Wes

I grew a mustache once but it was so thick and luxurious, I got scared that it would distract people from the news that I got rid of it. To me, the news is the most important thing.

FLASH 4:

Wes

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Veronica

Well-

Wes

I see myself in politics. Maybe mayor. Maybe governor. Who knows? All I know is that I'm looking for a good co-engineer to ride the Mantooth train to the top.

FLASH 5:

Wes

This was a nice time. I've got something I've been meaning to ask you.

(leans in)

If you had to rank this first date against all of your other first dates, where would you put it? I know you've dated some interesting people-

Veronica

That's it!

(standing up)

I've sat here listening to you go on and on, goading me into telling you that you're better than Ron Burgundy. You are not. Ron Burgundy has self-respect. Ron Burgundy somehow has more class.

(beat)

Oh, my God. I still love him.

Veronica runs out of the club to return to Ron.

Idea #48

2008-07-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

Ron's fifth (and final) PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Ron is sitting opposite Champ dressed as Planet Earth (again, see Idea #40). They are in an interview setting. Brian is off screen and operating the camera.

Brian (O.C.)

Rolling.

Champ

I don't see why I have to wear this stupid costume. I personally like littering. Didn't we already do one with this costume?

Ron

We paid a lot of money for that costume out of the studio's pockets, well Garth's-Regardless, we're going to get our money's worth. Brian, whenever you're ready.

Brian (O.C.)

We're recording.

Ron
Right now? Ok. Suck it up, Champ. Last one. And...

(composes)

Action. Hi, I'm Ron Burgundy and I have a very special guest in the studio today. A warm welcome to Planet Earth. Hello.

Earth Champ

Thanks for having me.

Ron

I brought you on today to talk about littering.

Earth Champ

(fake anger)

Argh!

Ron

I take it you don't like littering.

Earth Champ

I hate it! Do you know how many hurricanes it takes to clean up a single bag of garbage?

Ron

I don't.

Earth Champ

Eight.

Ron

Eight hurricanes for one bag of garbage? Seems high.

Earth Champ

Which one of us is the planet?

Ron
You.

Earth Champ

You think you can do it with less hurricanes?

Ron
I think we're getting off topic. The point is that it's a scientific fact that you, the Earth, make a natural disaster everytime someone litters. Is that safe to say?

Earth Champ

Yes.

Ron

So, let's say I drop a few cans of beer on the grass at lunch...

Earth Champ

Tsunami in Japan.

Ron
Really?

Earth Champ

Yup.

Ron

Well, you heard the Earth. If you don't want to be responsible for large scale murder, don't litter. This has been Ron Burgundy. I'd like to thank my guest, the Earth. Stay classy.

(pause, leans in to Champ)

Should we do it again but not with Japan? I feel like noone's going to care if they get hit. It's still pretty close to W.W. II.

Brian (O.C.)

Still rolling.

Ron

Dammit, Brian! Why didn't you cut after Stay clas-

The camera cuts to a still of Ron and Earth Champ shaking hands. The narrator speaks over the still.

Narrator

You can be good friends with the Earth, too. Don't litter.

Apologies

2008-07-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Was on vacation since Thursday so there have been no new Anchorman 2 Ideas. A new daily streak will begin today. I don't want anyone to think that I'm tapped out at 47 ideas. This retarded train isn't stopping at any stations, it's chugging through.

Idea #47

2008-07-09T04:29:00.000-07:00

With the mysterious illness affecting San Diego's male population still confusing doctors (see Idea #43), air and ground travel out of the city has been suspended. Ron arrives at the city border where Brian was reporting from. A large gathering of men surrounds Brian. The National Guard, brought in to enforce the quarantine, are equipped with gas masks. Ron approaches one of the guards.

Ron

Do you know who I am?

Guardsman

Yes I do.

Ron

Good, then as a celebrity, you can allow me to pass to safety.

Guardsman

I'm sorry. I can't do that. Now, please back away, Mr. Burgundy.

Ron walks back to the male mob and huddles them up.

Ron

Gentlemen, if we don't do something soon, we're going to be a lot more gentle than men. I'm going to make one last attempt to appeal to their sense of decency. If that doesn't work, we take them. There are more of us than there are of them.

Brian

But they have guns, Ron.

Ron

They aren't going to shoot us.

Brian

Did you see my earlier report? He fired at me.

Ron

It was a warning shot. Ok, here goes.

Ron turns to face the National Guard.

Ron

Guys, I want you to forget about your military orders. Forget that you are soldiers and remember that you are men. Men with penises. Penises that work. How would you feel if your pants buddy stopped working? What if it was an angry, desperate male mob keeping you in your National Guard town? That wouldn't be nice, now would it? You'd want the mob to let you out, right? Let us out.

Ron walks forward.

Guardsman

Mr. Burgundy, stop walking. You cannot leave the city.

Ron

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Ron turns to tell the mob to charge but a shot is fired. Ron spins and falls. He is clutching his arm and wailing. Brian runs over to him.

Ron

I've been shot! It hurts so bad! Brian, tell me the truth. How bad does it look?

Brian moves Ron's hand. There is a slash through the suit jacket and shirt underneath. A small amount of blood is on the suit. The wound is barely a scratch.

Brian

Ron, it looks fine.

Ron

This is not a time to lie to me! I can take it!

Brian

The bullet barely got you. It went through your suit jacket.

Ron

Oh, God! Not the suit! I loved this suit!

(to the National Guard)

Whoever shot me owes me a new suit! It was Italian!

Brian

Let's get you up.

Brian tries to stand Ron up.

Ron

(to National Guard)

You have to go to Italy and ask for Giancarlo!

Brian sits him up on the pavement.

Ron
(to National Guard)

Tell him you want the Burgundy Speciale!

Ron sits in the middle of the road rubbing his arm.

Idea #46

2008-07-08T04:48:00.000-07:00

Veronica and Lady Ron (see Idea #35) go to a salon for a girls day. The steroids are causing a mustache to grow and some pimples to form on the back of Lady Ron's neck which can be seen now that her hair is in a more masculine style. Her voice might be deeper as well. She refuses each treatment as they are offered. Veronica can only look on in stunned silence. Finally, she can't take it anymore and confronts her.

Veronica

Mary?

Lady Ron

It's Ron or Ronnie.

(getting enraged)

It gets me so mad that people still call me Mary!

Veronica

I'm sorry, Ronnie.

Lady Ron

Don't do it again!

Veronica

I don't remember you being this angry. Are you ok?

Lady Ron

I know. I've been taking these vitamins that Champ got and one of the side effects is explosive anger or rage.

Veronica

Do you need to take them?

Lady Ron

Champ wants me to.

Veronica

You don't have to do everything that Champ wants. You don't have to grow a mustache or cut your hair. You were very pretty.

Lady Ron

What the hell! I thought you of all people would understand how nice it is to not have to worry about feminine upkeep. Do you know how easy it is to get up in the morning and not have to put on all that makeup? It takes me fifteen minutes to get ready now. With the shower.

Veronica

Really?

Lady Ron

I say let yourself be as your body wants to be. I haven't shaved my legs in weeks and I get to wear pants every day. You should try it.

Veronica

I don't know.

Lady Ron
I guess you aren't the independent woman you thought you were. You are still holding on to the ideals imposed by men.

Veronica thinks about. She goes from confused to angry as the thoughts rattle around in her brain.

Veronica
You're right!

(to the beautician)

Cut it all off.

(to Lady Ron)

Ron, let me have one of the vitamins.

Cut to ten minutes later. Veronica is looking in the mirror at the buzz cut she just got. She looks like Susan Powter (see below).

Lady Ron (O.S.)

How do you feel?

Veronica

(beat)

Wow, my head feels so free! I love it!

Idea #45

2008-07-07T04:50:00.000-07:00

With the backup generators on and few injuries as a result of the panic (see Idea #39), Ron restores order. He stands on top of the news desk and a crowd gathers around. Garth is still tethered with Christmas lights to the support beam.

Ron

Everyone, it looks like Tom from accounting is going to be ok. He's going to need Rabies shots since we don't know where some of you have been.

(laughs)

I'm kidding.

(back to serious)

But seriously, he's going to need stitches on some of those bite marks so hopefully we can get in touch with a doctor soon. Cannibalism after six minutes? That has to be some kind of record. You know who you are. I can see your not proud faces from here. Ok, Ed Harken is not here today so that means, as Anchorman, I'm in charge.

Garth

Actually, Ron-

Ron

Shut up, Garth! We have to remain calm! We don't have time to fight over who's in charge! Champ.

Champ walks over to Garth and attempts to stuff a rag in his mouth. Garth resists. Champ slaps his face but he keeps his mouth taut. Champ pinches the nostrils. Garth eventually gives in and Champ stuffs the rag in his mouth. Champ turns around and gives Ron the thumbs up. Ron nods.

Ron

As you can see, my regime works fast and without hesitation. Who knows how long this hurricane will last?

Brian

Last I heard before the power outage, Channel Nine news said five days. And there's enough food in the cafeteria for about ten.

Ron

Wait. Wait. There's food in the cafeteria and we tried to eat Tom? And did you say Channel Nine news? We don't get our news from Mantooth's team. What does Brick say? Brick?

Brick appears from the back.

Brick

Hi Ron.

Ron

Brick, what are you doing in the back? You're a major character.

Brick shrugs.

Ron

Brick, when's the hurricane going to be done?

Brick

What's a hurricane?

Ron

The storm, Brick.

Brick

Oh. A while.

Ron

A while like five days?

Brick

How long's a day?

Ron

(regrouping)

Ok, I'm sure it will pass soon. Brian, you're in charge of rationing the cafeteria food. Champ, make sure Garth has a fresh rag in his mouth every twelve hours. Everyone else, don't eat each other. We're going to get through this people.

Idea #44

2008-07-06T05:23:00.000-07:00

Ron's fourth PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Ron and Brian are in a janitor's closet. It is dark and dirty. Their clothes are ratty and there are dirt smudges on their faces. Ron looks down at the ground and picks up a candy bar with an obvious fake mouse (the kind used to distract kittens) attached to it.

Ron

Look what I found.

Ron smacks the mouse off of it.

Brian

Oh, I'm so hungry. Please share it with me.

Ron

We can't eat the whole thing. We have to save some. We don't know when we'll be this lucky again.

Brian

Why can't we go outside and find food? I'm sure there's food out there. I'm so hungry.

Ron

We can't. The air is poison. If you breathe it, you will die on the spot.

Brian

How did this happen?

Ron

Littering, old friend. Too many people littered.

Brian

Why are people so stupid?

Ron

I don't know. I just wish there was some way that we could go back in time and warn everyone that throwing aluminum cans on the ground or into the sea is wrong.

Brian

They wouldn't believe you.

Ron takes out a camera. He holds his breath, opens the door, reaches his arm outside, and aimlessly clicks the camera button. He closes the door and gasps for breath.

Ron

I would show them these pictures.

Brian

How would you get them developed?

Ron

That's not in the script. Stick-

Ron lunges to attack Brian. The shot cuts to just Ron in the janitor's closet. Brian is missing.

Ron

Oh, why did my friend have to die and that mouse drag him away to eat him? This world is cruel. Maybe if I yell as loud as I can, people in the past would hear me.

(takes a deep breath)

DON'T LITTER! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T LITTER!

(sobbing and yelling)

THINK OF THE CHILDREN AND ME, RON BURGUNDY!

Ron coughs and huddles up with his candy bar as he bites into it. The screen fades to black.

Idea #43

2008-07-05T05:43:00.000-07:00

A mysterious illness has broken out in the male population of San Diego. While doctors are baffled, symptoms include a rash, fever, and night sweats. Initially affecting a handful of men, it has reached over one hundred. Ron, with Veronica in the studio, and Brian, in the field, report the latest information.

Ron

We now go back to Brian Fantana on the San Diego border.

Cut to Brian.

Brian

Thanks, Ron. Air travel in and out of San Diego has been suspended and, as you can see, the National Guard has been brought in to stop anyone from leaving the city. Watch. I'm going to try to leave.

Brian runs at the road block. A guardsman points his gun at Brian.

Guardsman

Sir, please stop running! I will shoot you!

Brian stops running.

Brian

They will shoot me in the face if I try to leave.

(to Guardsmen)

Good work, guys.

(to the camera)

Back to you, Ron.

Cut back to Ron and Veronica in the studio.

Ron

This seems bad, Veronica.

Veronica

It is, Ron. I just got news that scientists have found a new symptom: impotence.

Ron

We'll have to bring our resident medical expert in to explain this impotence to all of us that did not go to medical school.

Veronica

Ron, impotence means the inability to perform sexually.

Ron

What? Like you don't feel like it? I'm not following.

Veronica leans over and whispers in Ron's ear to avoid saying anything on air. Ron goes from professional to wide-eyed, crazy man in moments.

Ron

What!?! Not Little Ron!?!

Veronica

Ron, calm down!

Ron

(standing up)

I'm not calming down!

(talking into his mic)

Brian! I'm coming! We're getting out of here!

Ron runs off the set, ripping out his earpiece, pushing people out of the way.

Veronica

After the break, we'll be going back to Brian in the field. Stay tuned.

Idea #42

2008-07-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

The annual Fourth of July party for the station kicks off. This is not to be confused with yesterday's Third of July party or tomorrow's Fifth of July party. Ron, Brian, and Brick are standing around reminiscing about Independence Day shindigs of years past.

Brian

How about the time you put the sparkler down Garth's pants?

Ron

That was priceless.

Brian

And he looked like he had a sparkly tail.

Ron

He got third degree burns before anyone would help him.

Brian

He was pretty mad about that one actually.

Brick

(laughing)

Sparkly tail.

Brick walks away still laughing.

Ron

Or what about the time Champ brought that girl who was dressed like Uncle Sam and he was dressed as Lady Liberty?

Brian

Of course. How many chances to do get to see Lady Liberty give it to Uncle Sam on the front lawn?

They both pause (See Idea #35).

Brian

I guess we should have seen this whole Lady Ron thing coming sooner.

Ron

I guess so.

(beat)

Where did Brick go?

Brian
I don't know.

A scream starts in the distance. Ron and Brian look over as the scream gets louder and closer. They watch as Garth runs by with a sparkler sticking out of the back of his pants. Brick comes back.

Brick

(points in direction Garth ran)

Sparkly tail.

Brian

Nice. Hey, Brick, remember the party that you blew up the news van?

Brick

Nope.

Brian

Really? The fire department came and you were brought in for questioning?

Brick

(laughing)

Remember when I put that sparkler in Garth's butt?

Ron

Brick, that just happened. Like 2 seconds ago.

Brick just keeps laughing.

Idea #41

2008-07-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

Brian decides it is time to admit to Ron that he is a virgin after the last disaster with a woman (see Idea #36). Brian goes into Ron's office. He looks nervous.

Brian

Ron, I need to talk to you.

Ron

Ok.

Brian closes all the blinds and puts a chair under the door handle.

Ron

Are you taking me hostage? Remember when the crazy guy from the mail room did it? He got none of his demands and a beating from police. And then I beat him while the police held him.

Brian

I can't have anyone walk in here while I tell you this.

Ron

(pointing to wall)

Then you might want to plug that hole in the wall from the office next door. Champ uses it to watch me.

Brian sees the hole.

Brian

I thought you talked to him.

Ron

I did but I'm like a drug. You can't quit Burgundy cold turkey. So, I let him have the spy hole.

Brian

Is there any way to plug it temporarily?

Ron

I don't know.

(at the wall)

Champ! Is there any way to plug that hole so Brian and I can talk?

Champ (O.S.)

Nope. This is my lunch break. You promised. Do you want some Cracker Jacks?

Ron

(delighted)

I'd love some.

Ron goes over to the wall hole and cups his hand under it. Cracker Jacks fall into his hand.

Ron

Brian, Cracker Jacks?

Brian

No thanks, Ron. I'm going to go. Maybe we can talk another time.

Ron

Next week might work. Champ's going on vacation. Where are you going, Champ?

Champ (O.S.)

(beat)

Um...Antarctica.

Ron

Isn't it cold? Why are you going there?

Champ (O.S.)

I like penguins?

Ron

Why don't you just go to the zoo? It's warmer.

Champ groans in frustration.

Champ (O.S.)

I'm not going on vacation, Ron. I lied. I wanted you to look natural when I watched through the hole. Sometimes it seems staged.

Ron

I didn't realize.

Champ (O.S.)

Yeah.

(beat)

More Cracker Jacks?

Ron

Do you have to ask?

Cracker Jacks come through the hole in the wall as Brian leaves the room disappointed.

Idea #40

2008-07-02T04:40:00.000-07:00

Ron's third PSA pitch (see Idea #30 and Idea #34):

The setting is the park. Champ is wearing a giant, round bubble. It is crudely painted to look like the Earth. His arms and legs extend out from holes in the bubble.

Scene 1 - Earth Champ runs over to a jogger and throws a soda can at him.

Scene 2 - He throws a ketchup packet at a woman sitting on a bench and quickly runs away.

Scene 3 - He knocks over a man playing fetch with his dog. Earth Champ pins the man to the ground and stuffs a piece of paper in his mouth. Earth Champ leans over the man's face.

Earth Champ

How do you like it? Huh?

The man makes muffled noises through the paper. Earth Champ makes a hocking noise indicating a loogie is imminent. Ron steps into frame blocking Earth Champ and the man.

Ron

It's not so much fun when the situation's reversed, is it?

The spit sound is heard from behind Ron.

Ron

Hi, I'm Ron Burgundy telling you, "Don't litter. It pisses off the Earth." Stay classy.

Ron smiles at the camera while the woman from Scene 2 runs in and starts hitting Champ with her purse. Ron turns around to help as it fades to black.

Idea #39

2008-07-01T04:16:00.000-07:00

The rain from the hurricane is coming down hard (see Idea #7). Flooding has begun and the winds are topping eighty miles per hour. A state of emergency has been declared by the Governor of California asking everyone to stay where they are. With the news being interrupted by the Emergency Broadcast System, there's only one thing to do...party, Channel 4 News-style.

Ron is standing next to a partially decorated Christmas tree holding a beverage. Garth Holladay walks up to him nervously.

Ron

(shouting off camera)

I want all the Christmas lights hooked up! I want this place to look jolly!

Garth

Uh, Ron. The Governor is asking us to conserve power.

Ron

Garth, that's nonsense. I'm trying to boost morale. Don't you want good spirits?

(raising his glass)

In more ways than one.

Garth

But when the power goes out-

Ron

Garth, it won't. Now, shut up and have a drink.

Garth

Ron, with Ed not here, I'm in charge and I'm going to have t-to insist that you stop wasting electricity.

Ron puts his hand on Garth's shoulder.

Ron

Is that what you really want?

Garth

It is.

Ron

Ok.

(beat)

Champ!

Garth

What's he gon-

We fade to black and come back to see Garth wearing a Santa hat. The camera pans down to show him tied to a support beam using Christmas lights that are lit. Ron walks up to him holding a drink with a straw. There is lots of partying and laughing going on in the background. Music is playing over the news speakers.

Ron

Sorry about that but you were pooping on the party. Have a sip.

Ron puts the straw up to his lips. Garth takes a sip.

Garth

God, what is that? It burns.

Ron

I know. One of the camermen made this in the ladies bathroom sink. It's awful but I feel bad not drinking it. He tried so hard.

(beat)

Now, as you can see, everyone is happy and we are just going to ride out the storm here in one big celebration. There was no need to worry about losing pow-

There is a loud thunder clap. The building shakes and the lights go out. There is screaming.

Ron

EVERYBODY PANIC! OH GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Idea #38

2008-06-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

Ron is passed out as a result of holding his breath in defiance at couples therapy (see Idea #32). He has the following dream:

Ron is walking around a carnival. He comes upon a dunk tank that is not filled with water but filled with scotch. Veronica, dressed like a sexy clown, sits on the suspended seat. The target is Dr. Skinner with his face painted to be a bullseye. A bucket of balls appear at Ron's feet along with a rocks glass.

Sexy Clown Veronica

Hey, Ron. Don't bother trying. You have a limp noodle arm to match the limp noodle in your pants.

Ron
How could you say that?

Sexy Clown Veronica

I'm just stating facts. As you would say,

(in her best Ron Burgundy voice)

"It's science."

Ron

That's a terrible impression.

Bullseye Skinner

She's just role playing Ron. This is healthy.

Ron

Stay out of this, Doctor!

Bullseye Skinner

Ron, how does it make you feel to have a limp noodle in your pants?

Ron
I DON'T HAVE A-

Ron screams, picks up a ball, and throws it at Bullseye Skinner but misses. Bullseye Skinner and Sexy Clown Veronica both laugh.

Sexy Clown Veronica

Told you, Doctor.

Sexy Clown Veronica makes a motion with her pinkie. Bullseye Skinner looks over and keeps laughing. Ron looks down to realize he's not wearing any pants. He covers himself up and throws another ball. It hits Bullseye Skinner but nothing happens.

Sexy Clown Veronica

Not hard enough. As usual.

Ron

You're a whore.

Sexy Clown Veronica

I'm only a whore because I have to go elsewhere to get it.

Ron throws another ball and hits Sexy Clown Veronica in the face. She falls into the scotch unconscious. Ron sees that she's not moving and runs over to the dunk tank to get her but the walls of the tank extend up to the sky. There's no way in. Ron grabs a stool and slams it against the side of the tank but it merely bounces off. Ron notices a tap at the base of the tank. He gets the rocks glass and starts filling it. He drinks the scotch as fast as he can.

Ron

I'm coming, Flower!

He can't drink it fast enough. A dog bowl appears at his feet.

Ron

What am I going to do with-

Baxter barks in the distance as Ron turns around to see his beloved canine friend running towards him. He fills the dog bowl from the tap. Baxter and Ron continue to drink the scotch feverishly. The scotch level comes down with the help of a now inebriated Baxter. Soon, Sexy Clown Veronica is lying at the bottom of the tank.

Ron

I love you, Veronica! Don't leave me!

Bullseye Skinner

Let her go, Ron.

Ron

No! Veronica, I love you!

Bullseye Skinner

Ron. Ron.

We dissolve back to Dr. Skinner's office.

Dr. Skinner

Ron, can you hear me?

Ron

(waking up)

I love you, Veronica! Don't leave me!

Veronica

Ron, I'm here.

Ron

What happened?

Veronica

It doesn't matter. I love you.

Ron

I drank all the scotch and saved your clown life.

Veronica

Ok, Ron. One thing though.

Ron

Anything.

Veronica

Can you put your pants back on?

Idea #37

2008-06-29T05:44:00.000-07:00

Ron and Veronica banter on the news about the wedding of Charles and Diana.

Veronica

That wedding was just beautiful.

Ron

Yes, like a fairy tale. Call it a hunch, though. I don't think they're going to last.

Veronica

Ron, that's a terrible thing to say. We here at the World News wish them many happy years together.

And the "On Air" light goes off.

Ron

It's just a feeling. If you got a time machine and went far into the future, I bet you would find out that they didn't make it.

Veronica

What is your problem with marriage?

Ron tilts his head and looks off screen. The image dissolves to a young Ron (about 7) fishing with his dad, Papa Burgundy.

Ron

Papa, I can't wait to be older and married like you.

Papa Burgundy

Son, this is important. One day you'll find a girl-

Ron

Like Mommy?

Papa Burgundy

Hopefully not.

Ron

What's wrong with Mommy?

Papa Burgundy

This is a fishing trip. We don't have that kind of time. Getting back to marriage. It may seem like the thing to do. You'll be in love with a woman, so in love that you can picture the wedding with a mountain and a family band made up of your children.

Ron

That sounds nice.

Papa Burgundy

It does. But, Ron, listen to me very carefully. Marriage is for suckers. It starts out nice with the companionship and the having sex but then something happens.

Ron

What, papa?

Papa Burgundy

She starts thinking for herself. She wants an equal say in everything, sometimes more.

Ron

I don't understand.

Papa Burgundy

Son, don't ever get married. Drink a lot of scotch and get with a lot of women but don't ever get married. Now, goodbye Ron.

Papa Burgundy jumps over the side of the boat.

Ron
Papa, what if she's amazing?

Papa Burgundy comes back up from the water.

Papa Burgundy

No matter what.

Papa Burgundy sinks back down and never resurfaces.

Ron

(crying)

Papaaaaaaa!

The image dissolves back to present day.

Veronica

Ron!

Ron

(crying)

Stay away from me! I'm never getting married! Or going fishing!

Ron runs off the set.

Idea #36

2008-06-28T05:03:00.000-07:00

Brian Fantana has a successful date with a young woman named Maddy. After some feeble attempts by Brian to get out of continuing the evening, they go back to her place. In the bedroom, Brian is clearly nervous but trying to act like his usual cool self.

Brian

So, what do you wanna do?

Maddy

You.

Brian

(nervous laughter)

And that's going to happen...all...night.

Maddy

(while kissing his neck)

Good. You can do whatever you want to me.

Brian

I'm going to...cover you in oil.

Maddy

(unbuttoning his shirt)

What kind of oil?

Brian

(getting into it)

Motor oil.

Maddy

Where are you gonna get that oil?

Brian

(in his sexiest voice)

At the gas station we passed driving over here.

Maddy

Do you like your girls slippery?

Brian

Slippery...mmmm....and flammable.

Maddy

(kissing his chest)

Are you going to set me on fire with passion?

Brian

Yes, I am. Get ready for a passion fire. Call the passion fire department.

Maddy

You're funny.

Brian

You're sexy.

Maddy

I like that. You know what else I like?

(unbuttons his pants)

What's down here.

Brian

(pulling away)

Whoa...well...he's flattered but...uhh...he...has to get up early in the morning.

Maddy

But he can get up now.

Brian

(laughs and puts shirt on)

Like an erection. You're clever. Listen, let's do this again soon.

Brian gets up and leaves a confused Maddy in her bedroom.

*Adam McKay has stated in the DVD commentary for the movie that Brian has never slept with a woman despite acting like a such a ladies man.

Idea #35

2008-06-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

After Ron realizes that Champ is dating a "Lady Ron" and possibly ruining her life (see Idea #23), he decides it is time to have a talk with Champ.

Champ

Hey, Ron. How they hangin'?

Ron

Magnificently but that's not why I asked you here. This is a friendly environment, Champ.

Champ

I know that.

Ron

Ok, well, I wanted to talk to you about Mary.

Champ

She goes by Ron now. You know that.

Ron

Yes. Do you think its odd that she dresses like me now and you call her Ron?

Champ

I'm not following.

Ron turns around and picks up a box off his desk.

Ron

This was on my desk when I got here. It was delivered to my office by mistake. Steroids, Champ? I hope these are for you.

Champ

They're for Ron. I like my women a little hairier.

Ron

Are you in love with me and therefore, ipso facto, trying to turn Mary into me?

Champ

Her name is Ron!

Champ grabs the box and runs out in near tears. Brian walks into Ron's office shortly after.

Brian

How'd it go?

Ron

Not good. Maybe I'll have Veronica talk to Lady Ron next time.

Brian

Make it soon before Lady Ron has a thicker moustache and bigger guns than Man Ron.

Idea #34

2008-06-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

Ron's second PSA pitch (see Idea #30):

Scene 1 - Brick, poorly dressed like an old lady, is walking through the park. He drops a candy wrapper on the ground as he waddles along. Instantly, Ron Burgundy comes running up to him and punches him in the face, knocking him down. Ron gives thumbs up to the camera.

Scene 2 - A baby stroller is idle on the sidewalk. Out of the stroller comes a rattle which lands on the ground. Instantly, Ron Burgundy bull rushes the stroller sending it tumbling down the sidewalk. A fake baby flies out of the stroller and gets run over by a bus. Ron looks surprised, then crosses his arms and nods.

Scene 3 - A man of indeterminate ethnicity is walking on the beach. He throws a can of soda down to the sand and keeps walking. Instantly, Ron Burgundy jumps in front of him holding a gun. He places the end of the gun on the man's forehead and pulls the trigger. The man takes a bit too long to react and falls down. Ron walks towards the camera.

Ron

Littering is wrong. It doesn't matter if you're an old lady, a baby, or whatever that last guy was. If you litter, you deserve to die. I'm Ron Burgundy saying, 'Don't trash the Earth or I'll trash you.' Stay classy.

Ron smiles as it fades to black.

Idea #33

2008-06-25T04:09:00.000-07:00

With rain from the hurricane (see Idea #7) starting to fall and the "Will it float?" test for the ark (see Idea #24) somehow ending in an explosion, Brick tries one last thing. Ron and Brian go to the park to get him. They find him with about thirty umbrellas duct-taped together.

Ron

Hey, Brick, we go on the air soon.

Brian

Yeah, buddy, we need you to do the weather.

Brick

I can't. I'm very busy.

Brick tapes another umbrella to the "super umbrella."

Ron

How many umbrellas is that?

Brick

I think one thousand.

Ron

That's not right.

Brick

I lost count at five.

Brian

The people at the station are pissed that you took their umbrellas. I don't know what they're going to do when they find out what you did with them.

Brick

I'm making a big enough umbrella to block the rain for the whole city.

Brian

This is ridiculous. Why don't you just Saran Wrap the whole city?

Brick

I tried but it didn't go well.

Brick points over by a tree where the trunk is covered in Saran Wrap and a partially wrapped cat is struggling in the grass.

Ron

Brian, can you-

Brian

I'll get the cat.

Brian goes off to unwrap the cat.

Ron

Now, Brick, the best way for you to help San Diego is to report the news. That's going to be better than any horse sacrifice or ark or jum...brella.

Brick

(laughing)

Jumbrella.

Ron

That just came to me.

Brick

It's funny.

Ron

I know. Sometimes my brain is amazing.